In this round, Misaki battles a bully from her childhood and a new character surfaces to explore the medical wing of the creepy complex in search of the man responsible for the kidnappings.  The ghost encounter rate continues to increase as the setting gets spookier, so how long can I last!?  Enjoy!

Still selling for $99.95 AU at my local EB Games, PokePark is not only more expensive than the full fledged proper Pokemon RPG main games, it’s even selling for a “premium” over new Wii games that are actually popular and good, like Skyward Sword and Donkey Kong Country Returns. These games regularly see discounts and promotions, because people actually buy them. PokePark does not have that appeal, thus stays $99 alongside Xenoblade Chronicles. To add further horror, PokePark is a standalone game with no hardware packed in, as has maintained the same price for almost two years. The same copy of PokePark has been sitting on the shelf in EB Games since the day it came out, untouched. Nintendo even had the balls to release an official strategy guide alongside the game, selling for $30. You can get full, quality Wii games for that price. Just how much depth can PokePark possibly have?

I hate judging a game by it’s cover, but Nintendo has given me no choice. Let’s take an objective look at PokePark from the only place we can. It’s a hard game to figure out. Firstly, it’s developed by Creatures Inc. who’s last console game was the cancelled Earthbound 64 over a decade ago. This is probably why the game looks like it’s running on a Nintendo 64.  Graphics aren’t a big deal, and the game still looks nice and colourful, but so does every ten dollar budget licensed game on Wii. So if we shouldn’t buy it for the graphics, why should we? For a genuine Pokemon experience? What the hell is this game?

Despite their lack of experience with home console hardware, Creatures Inc. have played a part in the development of pretty much every mainline handheld Pokemon game, as well as the Pokemon Ranger spinoffs: all high quality games. They certainly know what makes a Pokemon game, and i’m sure PokePark captures some of that magic. According to reviews and impressions of people lucky enough to play it (millionaires and un-enthused paid journalists), it’s an adventure game with a simple story, various mini-games and some fun areas to explore and wacky events. This could also describe Zelda, or a trip to the toilet. Who knows? Is anyone going to spend enough money to answer the question?

Unbelievably, PokePark 2 is coming out next month on Wii, and it’ll be $30 AU cheaper at retail than the first. It looks bigger and better, and now slightly more accessible, so this might hold the answer. Ironically, this makes the original PokePark even more useless, but now i’m a bit more keen to see what the concept is about. Just how amazing could it be? With the steep mental challenge of buying this game, Nintendo has captured the thrill of meeting a rare legendary Pokemon.

Right through the head. The shot echoed through the wasteland, no doubt perking the ears of every creature for miles. It’s not the kind of sound you’d go running towards though, is it? Whatever, anyone in the area would just think it was raiders. How many more could there be? I had enough ammo to make the answer to that question “zero”. This school is mine.

Another few on the second story.. they haven’t even noticed me, still walking around with that dumb lifeless look all raiders have. Fucking clueless. POP, second one down. Oh look, they heard it this time. Run you fuckers! Shit, a few shots flew by me, I better be quick. I bolted towards the school and pressed against the wall of the building. Around the corner there was a huge hole blown in the wall, I could use this entrance to surprise them. Peering around the corner I spotted two more raiders, and they saw me straight away. The idiots predictably fired all their rounds as I ducked back behind the wall. This was my chance, I jumped out with my rifle cocked. The idiots were staring blankly and reloading as I shot the nearest one in the chest.  Just one more to go, he fired a few shots from a staircase as I ducked back behind the wall. I immediately looked back and lined up my sights in his direction.. he’s gone! The school was a giant mess of rubble and hiding spots, my eyes darted around. Where the fuck are you? I couldn’t stay in the same spot, I hustled out and found a place behind some burnt lockers. Still no sign. He probably went up the stairs, dumb raider logic. Get to the highest point and everything will be OK! Yeah right.

BOOM! An explosion went off just behind me, right where I entered the school. The moron thought I was still there. I ducked under a desk near the lockers and didn’t make a sound. Sure enough, a grotesquely dressed raider came out of hiding and approached the area where the bang went off. I wasn’t very well hidden but it didn’t matter, he walked right by and didn’t even look in my direction. Before he could congratulate himself on a job well done, I stood up, slowly lined up my aim, and shot him in the back of the head.

Time to look around, there’s bound to be something interesting here. The group patrolled the place as if they were protecting something. The raiders had nothing but weapons and cigarettes on them, bunch of scum. I took a few grenades from the last raider I killed, these might come in handy. I checked the battered lockers. All empty except a few bottlecaps. 8 bottlecaps in total, is this all they had? Maybe they were here for another reason, just for shelter? Some kind of idiot fort. There wasn’t much to see besides some mattresses. It seems like they were pretty comfortable here until I killed them all.

I headed back to a door that led underneath all the rubble. I was too busy killing people to notice this before.  It probably led to the main area of the school with classrooms and shit. I put the rifle away and took out my trusty handgun, there’s a good chance there’s more raiders in here if anything. Would they have heard the gun shots? They could be waiting for me, but so far they seem too fucking dumb to plan that far ahead. Whatever, I’m prepared.

Immediately after opening the door I heard a yell. It was a young lady screaming “I’ll tear yer heart out!“. Shit, I couldn’t see her! My gun’s ready, come on bitch. She jumped out and I was startled to see a metal tin over her head. The fuck? Whatever, a few bullets to the chest this time. No problem, she fired one shot up to the roof as I shot her down. I searched her but found nothing interesting except the helmet, not sure how she could even see with this thing. Probably why her aim was so shit.

Keen to explore the school, I took out my light and continued down a dark hall. Peering around the next corner I could see another raider down the end looking the other way, it was a man dressed like a fucking loony with brown straps all over his body. I turned off the light and crouched. Wonder how far I can get before i’m noticed? I kept my gun out, not naive enough to try and pull off any close combat maneuvers. As I got closer the man moved, I froze completely still. He began walking away from me and disappeared into a room to his left. I crept up to the room, trying not to make a sound. As I approached the room, I heard voices – there were two of them.

Two raiders talking about “newbies” in their group. How fucking desperate do you have to be to join these guys? Between the laughing and feral spitting sounds I heard something about “monsters” to the north scaring the shit out of them. They laughed at the prospect and didn’t seem to believe the newbies stories of “claws of death”. They had no idea what was out there, haha. Probably born in this shithole. I couldn’t afford to waste too much time listening, their laughter was my opportunity. I stood up and placed myself in the doorway, it was a small room and there were two of them. One of them noticed me and I shot him before he could raise his gun, the other one turned around to meet my second bullet. That was easy as piss. I looked around and grabbed a few medical supplies, jackpot. This room must have been the school nurses office or something, it was hard to tell with all the brown and rubble, the room looked like it was about to collapse. As I headed back to the doorway I found some more bottlecaps on one of the raiders, looks like someone wasn’t sharing.

I walked back through the hallway and noticed another door, locked. Fuck it, it wont budge and looks way beyond my lockpick skills. I went down a different corridor this time, halfway down there was a body hanging from the roof by two sharp metal forks. This was probably that raiders fate if they found out he was skimming bottlecaps. Maybe that was one of the “newbies”? I bet he wished those claw monsters would have killed him first. I continued on to find a stairway, and slowly climbed up.

Footsteps, immediately at the top of the stairs! I heard voices and some rustling, it sounded like a group. I stopped myself near the top of the stairs and listened. There was whispering, but I couldn’t make anything out, it sounded like they were scared. Hah! They would have heard my gunshots and have no idea what’s going on. I snuck closer and met the entrance of a locker room. I heard people taunting each other, each daring the other to be the one to go forward and investigate. I took the initiative and stepped inside with my gun ready. WHOA, hello. They were everywhere! Men and women, all armed, about 8 or 10 of them! SHIT! I fired a shot into the air and bolted back towards the stairs, this was too much! Bullets ricocheting everywhere, fuck! I desperately pulled one of the grenades from my bag and tossed it in the room.

BANG, fucking perfect. A corpse and some body parts flew by the doorway, must have got a few of them! A loud scream of agony pierced the hall, almost louder than the explosion itself. What’s wrong bitch, did I kill your family? Life was too short for guilt, and sympathy was about as useful as a bank account. I was fueled on adrenaline now and had to finish them off before they got their bearings. Running straight in I aimed to the right where the scream came from. There was a man and a woman crouched down, the man missing an arm. A few seconds later he was missing an eyeball as I shot both in the head with two fast bullets. She only managed half a scream this time.

I turned around expecting more, but that was everyone. Bodies everywhere, some already dead before I got here, I kicked them all to be sure. There were only a few rooms on this floor, all branching out from the main hall. Classrooms with boards, desks and chairs all over the place. The entire area smelled like shit. A table caught my attention, there was a huge molerat carcass lying upside down on it, all the good meat picked clean. I opened a fridge, it was full of sugary snacks. The stuff that was killing people before nuclear bombs, probably hasn’t even gone off. I’ll stick to these molerat eyeballs, thanks. Before I could get comfortable, I had to make sure I was the only one left in this place. There was nothing else on this floor but a staircase leading up one more level, I wiped some blood off my gun and made my way up.

What the fuck! A vicious dog greeted me at the top of the stairs, leaping out of the darkness and straight towards my gun. Shit, this thing was smarter than a raider! It launched with great speed and already had its teeth climbing up my gun towards my hand. I wrestled my arm to gain control and shot it in the mouth. Damn… I probably didn’t need to kill it, that was instinct. Poor thing was probably just hungry.

I cautiously looked ahead and continued on inside, no voices this time. Inside the doorway was a huge room. Lots of shit up here, good god! This must have been the library, burnt books and computers filled the shelves and desks. No sign of any more raiders. I looked around every inch of the room, unbelievably there was a computer still working. There was a file open, looked like a journal of some sort. I’m surprised these fuckers can type in the English language. My eyes scrolled down the screen and I got the jist of it – the raiders were planning on attacking that vault in the middle of nowhere and setting themselves up there. The idiots seemed pretty keen on burying themselves underground. Who’s smart idea was this anyway? Only a moron would keep a journal in this world, nobody will read it unless they just killed you.

I went back downstairs, there were no more rooms or stairways to explore. Looks like i’d completely cleared the place out now, what a fucking relief. I had a sharp pain in my arm and my eyes were getting dizzy, time for some rest. I remembered seeing mattresses in one of the classrooms, they’ll do. Yep, 8 beds here. How many people did I kill? More than 8 for sure. I knew there was still a risk of someone coming back, and if they did come back, this room is where they’d come. Probably not the best place for a nap. I dragged one of the mattresses to one of the stairways, there was a little room that looked like a closet I could spent the night in. I plonked the mattress down and kissed the piss-stained wall goodnight.

[alternate ending]

We’ve spoken about David Jaffe before on Pietriots. Specifically, the time he compared the PS Vita to a virgin vagina. After a while of following the guy around the internet like some deranged muck racking journalist, I was inspired to make the twitter account @FakeDavidJaffe to mock the guy. The truth is though, I just couldn’t compete with the real thing and was always two steps behind the man. I’d still be making fun of the fresh pussy comment and then the real David Jaffe would say people who don’t listen to rap music are racist. Or I’d find an old interview of him where he stops talking about his latest Twisted Metal game to directly address his internet critics and what they think of them. Then there’s his blog which is borderline unreadable due to his lack of traditional English grammar and total disregard for proof reading. In short, David Jaffe is a man without a filter.

Now, usually I actually admire that. I like a straight talker who’s not afraid to say what he thinks and will clearly state his views when asked. Some people call this arrogance but I like to think of it as being self assured and confident. It’s the kind of attitude a successful, talented person might have. How David Jaffe gained this aura though is a complete mystery. The guy is a hack. He is a talentless, self serving hack who’s never come up with a good idea. Here’s the David Jaffe resumé.

• Twisted Metal
• Twisted Metal 2
• Twisted Metal 3
• Twisted Metal 4
• Twisted Metal Black
• Twisted Metal Small Brawl
• Twisted Metal Head On
• Calling All Cars
• Twisted Metal Head On: Extra Twisted Edition
• Twisted Metal (2012 Reboot)

For those of you who don’t know, Twisted Metal is a game where you drive a car around and shoot at other cars, featuring characters who look like rejects from a hypothetical Slipknot comic strip. It was published by Sony for the original Playstation back in 1995 a month after a game called Destruction Derby was released, where you drove a car around and crashed into other cars, instead of shooting them. Obviously it was the guns and the fact that nothing else was available for the PSX at the time that saw Twisted Metal become a nine game, 17-year-old franchise and Destruction Derby a failed IP with as many publishers as entries in the series. But just to re-iterate. David Jaffe has spent 17 years making a video game about crashing cars…

There is another game he made though: Calling All Cars. Around about the time Eat, Sleep, Pray was all the rage in the film and literary worlds, Jaffe co-founded a new company, Eat Sleep Play, showing his creativity extended even further than car chase movies. Of course he wanted to make another game about cars shooting each other, but he didn’t hold the licence to Twisted Metal so he named it after an Australian punk rock outfit. Jaffe broke new ground creatively with Calling All Cars, the game featuring video gaming’s first homosexual antagonist. Despite the fact that the game was basically Twisted Metal without the name, the game received the kind of reduced critical and commercial reception that comes in the gaming world when you don’t have the backing of a multinational conglomerate.

So anyway, after negotiating with Sony, Jaffe scored the license to make a Twisted Metal branded game again! Hooray! And after almost five years of painstaking development and after receiving a day one patch a month after Jaffe criticised games that ship unfinished, Jaffe has celebrated by walking out on the company and shooting the eight guys who stood between him and the door. Presumably, they were the eight who were familiar with PlayStation 3 hardware because Eat Sleep Play announced they’ll be focusing on mobile games from now on.

What a fucking cunt.

He’s on Twitter right now, just trying to calm down any fears that his next game will be ‘casual’, in case anyone thought he was going to branch out from his road rage shtick. He’s even audaciously begun recruiting for his new, unnamed gaming company. Shit yeah! Who could knock back the opportunity to make the next mobile game about throwing angry cars and piles of twisted metal! There’s only a one in five chance of losing your job when it’s done!

…

Actually, don’t answer that.  The answer is, Batch 2 of my Fatal Frame IV Durpthrough!  The ghost encounters escalate as the plot sends me fighting an unexpected and familiar villain, puts me behind the eyes of yet another character, and teases a battle against a sadistic little girl!  Enjoy!

Windsurfing is the first game I’m going to talk about, because it really took me by surprise. Expecting a passable point A to point B race, I got a creative use of Wii controls I’ve never seen before. No buttons are used in this, and there are two things you control. The first is the sail’s angle, and the second is the direction of the boat. These are BOTH controlled, simultaneously, with the Wii Remote.

Here it is in action. I’m doing two things here, firstly I’m making sure the sail is facing in the (constantly changing) direction of the wind. When the arrow is green, it means the sail is angled properly towards the wind to gain the most speed. The Wii Remote is held with the buttons facing upwards, and the sail is controlled by keeping it steady, and sliding the back of the controller left and right. The sail doesn’t change the direction of the boat, it’s only used to pick up speed. Now, in addition to moving the angle of the sails, I’ve still got to turn the boat itself. This is done by tilting the back of the Wii Remote up and down. It’s confusing at first due to just how much control you have over the sailboat, but this makes it very satisfying when it clicks. It doesn’t take long either; the controls are smooth and reliable and anyone can do it once the concept is understood. It’s a genuine Wii game that’s only possible with MotionPlus’s ability to detect both the angular change of the sail, and the direction change of the boat at the same time – WITHOUT tarding-out. It’s a new concept that feels wonderful.

Unfortunately, the game’s content is really limited: 5 levels seems like a crime for such a great control method, and they are barely challenging at all. The races are a bit of a joke, the AI just falls apart after 30 seconds, and in slalom mode the gates are very easy to get between – it’s almost a straight line. This is a real shame, because once you get the hang of the controls, it feels like you’re a windsurfing god, ready to take on a vast ocean and weather storms like Link in The Wind Waker. Instead, your skills are limited to the kiddy pool. Nevertheless, it’s fun to play, and it’s always nice to get a feel for a new control method. I think it’s good enough to make a full game out of; throw in some big waves, challenging courses, and radical wind changes and this would be an amazing package. For now though, the only motivation to keep playing is multiplayer, or beating your own times.

Sword Fighting is remarkably similar to the game in Wii Sports Resort, except you fight in robot suits. The scenario has your Mii’s placed in a bubble and taken into a virtual world with lightsabers and futuristic sound effects. The concept remains the same: you’ve got to push your opponent outside the ring; but there’s also a health bar. So if you can’t win by brute force, you can still take a victory with enough hits. Successful hits and blocks will charge up your special meter, allowing you to do a power swing with A when fully charged. The controls are responsive and accurate and the sword will go exactly where you want without any glitching or teleporting; it’s nice to see that Nintendo isn’t the only developer who can pull this off. Apart from swinging, you can hold B to block. Blocking produces a visual barrier with a small opening that shows exactly where you can be hit, and you can rotate it with the Wii remote. Sword Fighting doesn’t go beyond simple one-on-one battles, but it’s still fun while it lasts thanks to the satisfying controls. The fast flowing nature of the battles wouldn’t be possible without MotionPlus, and it’s a great addition to Go Vacation.

Ace Pitcher is the final MotionPlus game in Go Vacation. It’s functional but not too exciting to play, and doesn’t use MotionPlus to its full potential. The goal is to throw a baseball at panels with numbers on them. Instead of a smooth interactive throw, you go through several stages of setting up your aim. First, select a number panel to be the central aiming point. Secondly you lift the controller up and press B. While holding B, you can tilt the controller to aim, and then swing to throw. Throw distance is dictated by how far down you swing the controller: if a panel is high up it needs a deep swing, and a short swing will hit the panels down below. The challenge lies in keeping the aim straight while you swing down – this is where MotionPlus comes in by being able to detect both movements at once.

It’s not a bad game, just not very involving and has no addictive qualities whatsoever. The simple usage of MotionPlus could have complimented it nicely if the game itself was more fleshed out. Idle panels with numbers on them gets boring pretty quickly, especially considering how easy it is. The accuracy of MotionPlus is used, but not needed by the games design. Some moving targets or different stages would have made a big difference.

Tennis uses MotionPlus, but it doesn’t add much, and the game is playable without it. All MotionPlus does is let you add spin on the ball, and it’s very basic. Rather than give you control over how much spin to apply, it’s always a set amount, and it only registers which type of spin it is, rather than the exact angle. The game is primarily about movement, using the analog stick, and swinging at the right time. It’s still pretty fun, but not relevant to today’s activities.

Alright, that’s it for today! MotionPlus certainly isn’t required to enjoy Go Vacation, with only 4 games that use it, but it’s a nice touch and brings some new ideas to the table. Supporting so many different controllers really highlights how much the developers care about providing the best experience they can, it’s all the little things that make Go Vacation such a great game. The three exclusive MotionPlus games are the only games without achievements (silver keys), which means you can still 100% clear the game if you don’t have the accessory. It’s an unusually nice thing of Namco to do, especially considering some of the ridiculous achievements required in some games today, like “beat the developers in an online game”. Unattainable crap like that is why people give up trying to complete their games; it destroys motivation. Go Vacation doesn’t force you to do anything you don’t want to, and you aren’t punished for not having every accessory in the world. The MotionPlus games are actually quite hard to find around the resorts, since the mission structure of the game never takes you there directly. It’s refreshing to see content presented this way. There are so few good MotionPlus games out there on Wii, that Windsurfing alone might make a vacation on Kawawii Island worth your while.

Even after 20 seconds of loading, my body was not ready for this. “Dune Buggy” is not for the temporarily-enthused casual gamer looking for a quick race: it’s an experience into another dimension of vehicle handling. The controls in this game will put even the most hardened Wii racing veteran to the test. The track truly feels ALIVE as it constantly changes how much input you need in order to turn. Sometimes a slight turn will not even budge your vehicle, while a few seconds later the same application will send you flying head-first into the side of the track. The side of the track even has you guessing, sometimes becoming a solid object before you even get there, sometimes letting you explore a bit further. The constantly evolving challenge makes this one of the most advanced simulation racers out there. Handling these conditions means rapidly adjusting your movement as the track violently throws your buggy around. You can’t anticipate it; it’s all about reaction times.

The physics are extremely impressive – you could say “next gen” – as they are unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. Contact with your opponents has massive implications, and the reaction varies from vehicles awkwardly sticking to each other, to multiple delayed flips in the air. If the game wasn’t already challenging enough, there are patches of dirt… on the dirt. These dark patches slow you to a crawl, and have a strange pulling sensation that seems to tilt your car in their direction. Another amazing physics innovation.

The robust track selection is one of the highlights. Rivaling even Ridge Racer Vita, it features “multiple courses” (quote from the back of the box) with varying obstacles like bananas and a slightly different opponent. Each gives the race a wild new twist, and each “track” feels fresh, like dogshit on wet grass. The bananas on the road allow you to do a 360 degree turn on the spot at full speed – every rally drivers’ dream. The different vehicles give you even more options, with a range of designs from purple to orange. Amazing.

I was already impressed with the complexity of the driving physics on land, but on water things are taken to a whole new level.

“Water Rocket” is a race across water, guiding high-powered lawnmowers through checkpoints. These things are wild and even more sensitive than the Dune Buggies, it’s unbelievable how fast they turn. They’re so fast that the game code can’t keep up, as sometimes the water rocket will teleport a few metres in one direction when you move. They are sturdy too: hitting rocks and walls is no problem, in fact it somehow speeds you up. THQ have used some tricks from the Gran Turismo series, as I was able to start bouncing off walls to gain time.

There’s 6 other games in Big Beach Sports 2, but the rest are so bad they aren’t even worth talking about. Believe it or not, there’s a surfing game using these water physics – it’s about as involving as fishing in a toilet. The whole game is depressing: bad graphics, dull music, sound effects made with a bucket, characters taken from a 3 year old’s nightmare, and barely any attempt at animation.

I’m greatly looking forward to returning this game to the original owners. I borrowed Big Beach Sports 2 from a collection of quality Wii games also consisting of We Sing, U Sing, and The Sims 3. I don’t know how people like this exist but they do. I’ll put it down next to Big Beach Sports 2′s physics as an unsolved mystery of the universe.

Anyway, let’s hope I can pull through the entire game without running into anything game-breaking.  So grab yourself a bowl of popcorn, turn off all the lights, and enjoy the scares (or me shrieking like a schoolgirl, whichever fits your fancy)!

The story in the first game was hilarious and ridiculous. The same goes for Conduit 2, but this time it’s presented much differently, and it’s funny for the right reasons. The game KNOWS how stupid it is, and enjoys poking fun at itself. Michael Ford is full of magical one-liners all of a sudden, and directly comments on the game’s flaws as you play. I guess fighting so many aliens in the first game and getting nowhere actually gave him some resilience and a personality. The story itself has everything: it’s a worldwide government conspiracy tied to an alien invasion and features zombies, sea monsters, robots, time travel, lost cities, mayan references, sasquatch, and somehow manages to link all this to real life government conspiracies of the past. I won’t spoil which ones because it’s just ridiculous and amazing when you find them in the game.

While Michael Ford coats the game with a thick layer of cheese and insincerity, the game world itself is actually quite interesting and involved. The levels are littered with “conspiracy items” to scan and hidden messages on the walls to find, and there’s some interesting stuff here. It varies from meaningless diary entries and emails to top secret information about important people. There’s some guy on the oil rig who is depressed with the current fishing situation, and blames the Conduit’s electricity for scaring away all the fish. Pointless, but a cool addition to the game world that makes it feel more alive and interesting. There’s also hidden energy crystals and ancient messages on the walls to find, providing some incentive to explore, not just to “clear” the game, but to find out more about what’s happening.

The controls are smooth and responsive, not just like any good game, but moreso than anything out there. The Wii Remote (when used properly) is the absolute pinnacle of FPS control, producing more accuracy than a joystick, and more natural movements than a mouse. It’s silly to even compare, because it still doesn’t feel close to any of those. It’s not realistic in its movement, unless you walk around with a pipe up your arse and your legs dont bend. Its strength lies in giving you a greater degree of freedom over what you see. Conduit 2′s controls eliminate the conscious barrier of “adjusting” your view. With the Wii remote, you can’t turn too little or look too far, you just point and you’re there, the same way you move your eyes. Your eyes dont “miss” things, they don’t bounce around like a nervous thumb; when you see something you look straight at it, and Conduit 2 does well to capture this in your hand.

The controls create a level of immersion that wasn’t possible before, and it turns an above-average shooter into a GREAT one. It doesn’t just enhance the shooting, it makes it more fun to look around exploring the levels and finding items. It creates a feeling like you’re poking your head around corners and over objects. It can take a bit of time to adapt to the controls and adjust to your liking, but this is mainly because of the ridiculous amount of options we have here. You can slow down the turning speed to a crawl, or spin around 10 times per second. I won’t go into too much detail about the control options – Pro Daisy explains them in much greater detail than I ever could right here (an easy-to-understand article that thoroughly explains what each control adjustment does). My setup is similar, same Dead Zone, but I use the “Human” camera view, with a lower turning speed of 18 to offset the “floaty” camera, and a higher sensitivity of 48 so I can still shoot fast and because I personally don’t mind it bouncing around a bit. Unfortunately, there’s no option to fix the floaty camera, and they’ve also slowed down the movement from the first Conduit, including a new “run” button to make up for it. It seems like an intentional design from High Voltage Software to make movement more “realistic”. The game focuses more on exploration than the first, which to them probably justifies the approach, but overall they’ve just removed an option the first game had. It’s a shame because Conduit 2 does refine a lot of other things over the first game, but instead of being a direct improvement it’s just “different”. Overall I prefer Conduit 2′s controls to the first, because while you’re inside the Dead Zone the floaty camera isn’t an issue, and primary aiming feels a lot better. This is the best FPS I’ve ever played, and the controls are half the reason why. Conduit 1 and 2 are top of the class when it comes to Wii shooters, without a doubt.

The enemy AI falls into the same cliche as the rest of the game: satisfyingly bad. Bad guys are stupid, and some will get eaten or killed before you can even fire a round in their direction. The AI patterns of the enemies aren’t made to look realistic: they’re made to trick the player. A gunman will start running back, and do a circle as you chase him, bringing all the focus to him. This is usually done when there’s a group of enemies, and while this is happening, the other 3 or 4 will all come out at once and gun you down. IF you’re still focusing on the special retarded “AI” event of the first guy, you’ll be dead when the group attacks. This “crap AI” brings you out into the open, and makes you scream “STUPID AI! SHIT GAME!” as the game hands you your arse on the death screen. More like stupid player.

There aren’t many instances of this in the game; special AI events are limited. Mostly, the AI is very basic and it’s something you don’t really notice. If you’re looking for strategy, you won’t find it in Conduit 2.  The bad guys stand there, shoot, take cover, reload, and repeat. They’re pretty crap at taking cover too; usually you can still see the top or side of their head, and it’s enough to kill them instantly. Sometimes enemies that are right in front of you will run to cover instead of shooting, but you know what? Sometimes I do that too. It feels like the “safe” option in the face of sudden danger. I bet most of the time we human players look pretty ridiculous to the AI.

The enemies themselves are pretty varied, aside from human soldiers there’s a variety of aliens and robots in many shapes and sizes, from flying moth things to relentless robot dogs that have come from Resident Evil to tear out your soul. These are especially annoying because they appear after you get spotted by surveilance cameras you can’t shoot or avoid. Interactive environments aren’t found in this game. The most you can do is annihilate a desk fan or flip over a bench / soda machine. There are some boss fights to change things up, a nice distraction, but their patterns are laughably easy to predict and they aren’t very stimulating.

Difficulty can be adjusted on the fly during gameplay; it doesn’t change the game much but at least it’s fair and balanced. On the hardest difficulty, enemies shoot quicker and more accurately, explosions have a bigger blast ratio, and you die with less hits. The enemies intelligence seems exactly the same, and you can still kill them with one shot to the head. There’s no cheap tricks to make the game harder, just the simple things have been turned up and you have to be smarter and more careful. I prefer playing on the hardest difficulty because otherwise you can just run out into the open and kill everything, it’s more fun when you have to use cover and split the enemies up. Even on the hardest difficulty the game can be a bit too easy once you’ve mastered the controls.

The graphics are great. It’s one of the best looking Wii games; High Voltage Software really knows the console well. Everything runs smoothly with a good amount of detail, without having that blurry / blocky “third party Wii game” classic look. While the environments are a lot more varied and interesting than the first Conduit, there’s just not enough of them. The whole single player campaign can be beaten in about 5 hours, and I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve played each level 8-10 times. The game has a lot of achievements and hidden items to keep you playing, but more levels would be a much better motivator.

Aside from the single player campaign, there’s online play with a heap of different modes, and 4 player split screen multiplayer for people in the same room – which is sadly becoming a rare feature in today’s games. As a package, Conduit 2 is rough around the edges, but it still delivers fun where it counts. The gameplay engine is absolutely solid: movement is easy, aiming is blissful, and it all feels natural. High Voltage Software are one of the very few developers to do justice to the Wii’s potential, and the result isn’t something that’ll turn the world upside down, just a very fun game.

Oh ho ho, just take a look inside and see…

The first of these gems comes from Erich Waas, “Director, Product Development” of Sony’s San Diego Studio, on pitiful Mario Kart wannabe ModNation Racers: Road Trip for the PlayStation Vita.  In his little Sony blog he talks about the “robust online features” within the game, while at the same time trying to sugarcoat the fact the game doesn’t have the one online mode it should…

“I know there are some of you that are disappointed that ModNation Racers: Road Trip doesn’t let you play head-to-head online other than ad-hoc. But we really wanted to evolve online functionality and take advantage of the PlayStation Vita’s unique feature set in new ways. If all we ever did as developers is rehash features that have been done in previous games, we’d still be entering passwords instead of using save files and you’d have to start the entire game over after you lost your three lives (extra 1-ups aside). While online head-to-head has been a mode used in many games in recent years, we focused on making a game that is crafted for how portable games are most often played—in quicker “pick up and play” sessions multiple times in a day. Your online interaction, competition and socialization will always be when it’s convenient for you. I hope that all of you are as interested to check-out the robust online features that ModNation Racers: Road Trip has as we are to see you enjoy them!”

Yes, Erich, because this is all about “evolving online functionality,” and not about your team being lazy or not having enough time to implement a bare-bones online mode.  And last I heard, evolution was a process of making something BETTER, not of stripping out basic and expected functions.  If a game like Mario Kart, made by NINTENDO, a company that has been continuously criticized for their lack of online initiative, has consistently provided online racing for its last three outings, WHY CAN’T YOURS?

Next, we have an ironic, and laughable tidbit from Neil Druckmann, creative director at Sony’s poster child, Naughty Dog.  Coming off Uncharted 3, they are striking into a genre that no one has ever done before.  ZOMBIES!

……………………….Zombies.

Really?  Zombies?  REALLY?  But whatever, let’s put aside the fact that they chose the most generic and hackneyed theme ever and see what he says concerning their approach to storytelling…

“We’re trying to say something about human beings and how they exist. Not necessarily just in this setting, but in every setting. We try so hard at Naughty Dog to push things and then games come out that are fun and exciting and get visceral things right, but to read in reviews that they have an amazing story is disheartening to us because we work so hard at it. We really hope we can raise the bar.”

………………………………………………………..

Yes, you really just read that.  If just the sight of it broke your brain and you find yourself completely unable to comprehend the English language, allow me to decipher.

“We get really upset when other games turn out really good and reviews say they have good stories.  Only Naughty Dog can make good stories!”

First, this line comes across ridiculously puerile (this coming from someone as childish as myself), and reeks of penis envy.  Second, the part “because we work so hard at it” almost feels like an outright lie.  Or maybe they ARE actually trying really hard, which makes it all the more hilarious.

Perhaps Naughty Dog does really consider Uncharted to have a good story, but in my world, storytelling is far, FAR more than just piecing together action scene choreography and some overly-dramatic lines.  There are two terribly important aspects of a story that Naughty Dog (and, honestly, most other developers) have completely ignored: LOGIC and CONTINUITY.

First, LOGIC.  Logic is the basis on which all we see or hear functions.  This is particularly important in a new fictional universe that the creator expects to be taken seriously, as the viewer needs to learn the intricacies of the world presented.  Take, for example, a sci-fi game where the main character, Sergeant Generic Space Marine, can jump 50 feet into the air.  A question one could then ask is: “HOW can he jump 50 feet into the air?”  Whether it be through super powers or anti-gravity boots or some other phenomena, the writer should be able to explain something that makes sense within the boundaries set by the universe.  The more you explain to the viewer, the more they will suspend their disbelief of the world you have presented.  Again, this is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT in a realistic setting by which we set our impressions and logic by reality’s standards.  In Uncharted 3, Nathan Drake mows through hundreds of enemies.  Where did these enemies come from?  How can a single villain somehow acquire this many henchmen and have them placed in just the right places around the world?  Deguello said it best when I was talking to him about this issue a while back.  In Indiana Jones it makes sense that Indy has so many baddies to face since he has faced 1) Nazis, 2) Thuggee cultists, 3) Communist Russia.  I wouldn’t be so hard on this concept of villains and their hoards of minions that plagues so many B action movies if THEY ACTUALLY EXPLAINED HOW AND WHY.  And no, the main villain having lots of money doesn’t explain how so many mercenaries can coordinate so well together…

Next, CONTINUITY.  Continuity takes all of the scenes and established logic and pieces them together in a fashion that flows and, in theory, explains any unanswered questions.  If you do not explain a jump from one scene to the next or properly answer the viewer’s questions or concerns of the logic presented, then you have established what we like to call a “plothole.”  Going back to our friend, Sergeant Generic Space Marine, he shouldn’t magically be able to jump 100 feet in the air halfway through the story or suddenly lose the ability to jump altogether if there’s no explanation to it.  In Uncharted 3, Nathan Drake mows through said dozens upon hundreds of armored foes with explosive weaponry, yet two dudes in plain clothes with handguns get the drop on him.  If you establish a character as some invincible force, you can’t just suddenly rip that away whenever the occasion calls for it.  If it doesn’t work for your story (and why should it, this is a videogame) THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T WRITE YOUR STORY THIS WAY.

If you can’t even get the basics down for what makes a story a good (and complete) story, then you don’t have the right to imply that you do it better than the rest.  If you’re going to go out of your way to focus on the story then you damn well better do it right and you damn well better make the game FUN, too, since that’s why we play videogames in the first place (or most of us, at least).  If I just wanted to watch a B movie I’d just toss in a Schwarzenegger flick.  At least those movies don’t try to pretend to be deeper than they actually are…

Anyway, I got a bit offtrack with that rant.  Coming up next from me will be Durpthroughs of Fatal Frame IV and Saint’s Row: The Third (of which I will be co-oping with Infernal).  Look forward to little girl shrieks and comic mischief!