Nintendo 3DS? Does anyone care?

Nintendo are in a state of fear, the complete destruction of Nintendo DS last year at the hands of PSP has backed Nintendo into a corner. PSP was the highest selling system of 2010, and also had the highest selling Monster Hunter game. The overwhelming presence of iPhone and the looming danger of the mighty Playstation Phone now have Nintendo scrambling around hopelessly in the dark. Nintendo crapped their pants, and 3DS is what came out. This mere evolution of DS, with it’s ridiculous gimmick attached, will be completely forgotten by the end of the year, and here’s why.

– Besides 3D, it offers nothing new –

3DS is nothing but a DS with a slightly bigger screen, once you get over the 3D gimmick. People will get over the 3D gimmick because it’s not natural on the eyes, and it drains the consoles pathetic 3 hour battery life. What other new features are you left with? Graphics you can already get on PSP?

– Kids can’t play it –

Kids under 6 make up a large majority of Nintendo’s fanbase, and Nintendo has announced that the 3D effect will be too dangerous for developing eyes to use. Even though 3D isn’t a big deal, nobody will buy a 3DS if they can’t use the 3D feature. This also means the death of Pokemon and Mario. What games will Nintendo have left after that? Steel Toilet? Are you kidding me?

– Gamers can’t play it –

To play any decent games on 3DS you will need to own 3 different versions of the system. 3DS is so rushed that Nintendo can’t even be bothered to unlock the regions. I’m sure it’s not hard, but in Nintendo’s panicked state right now, using toilet paper would take a monumental effort. As everyone knows, the only decent DS games didn’t come out in their region, and they had to import.

– No games for launch –

When was the last time a system launched with NO games at all? Never. Even GameCube, the worst console of all time, had games on day 1. Here we are, two months away from the 3DS launch, and zero games have been confirmed for launch. Nintendo are so behind right now, they can’t even get a port of a 12 year old game ready for the launch of their new system. Zelda: OoT has been confirmed to have NO extra content by Nintendo themselves, so what exactly are they doing? I’ll tell you what, constantly hovering over the toilet, shitting brick after brick. Nintendo knows they can’t compete with Apple and Sony, and while completely frozen in fear, a screenshot of a game they made a decade ago is all they have to show.

– No single online account –

Yep, we’re stuck with Friend Codes again. Sigh. Who even has friends anyway? All I do is post on forums. Without an online account I can’t show strangers what i’m playing. What’s the point in playing anything if i’m not getting gamer points I can display? If I own a 3DS, how will anyone know i’m cool? Then again, if I was Nintendo I wouldn’t want anyone seeing the play history of my games, it’d be empty. The average play time for Zelda would be 4 minutes after everyone realises it’s the same game they released 12 years ago.

– You can’t make phone calls with it –

What’s the point of bringing a 3DS anywhere? You’ll still need a phone as well, to tell everyone how crappy 3DS is. Are your pockets really big enough for two large devices? There simply isn’t room for 3DS in everyday life. This is the same reason DS is dying, phones can play games now, so nobody needs something that only does one.

So to answer my own question, which happens a lot, does anyone care about 3DS? The answer is yes, Nintendo. Nintendo hopes to trick people into buying a system with no games and no features, at an absurdly high price just to pay the bills and keep toilet paper in Iwata’s bathroom. Well i’m sorry to say, Mr. Iwata, but pretty soon you’re going to be wiping your ass with a bankruptcy letter and dry leaves.