Fun! Fun! Mini Golf TOUCH!

It’s no secret that we, the staff of Pietriots, love Shin’en games. In fact, as part of staff recruitment you have to be sexually aroused by Martin Sauter to be allowed to write for us. I think the reason Martin and the rest of the staff at Shin’en remain so good looking is that none of them have ever actually played mini golf.

You can probably see where I’m going with this already; despite it’s name, this game is not fun. In Fun! Fun Mini Golf TOUCH! (henceforth, FFMGT) your flamboyantly animated Mii flies around the world on his or her lonesome to play what are allegedly a professional mini golf tournaments. I say allegedly because there are no competitors, nor scores to beat. This is probably because all the other players are playing at venues where they allow you to take your stroke from anywhere on the course, not just from the tee and within 1 metre of the hole. Normally, I would make some kind of joke about the rules of FFMGT being the sort of golf game Hitler would devise, but Shin’en are a German developer so that seems insensitive. Anyway, it’s these fascist rules along with bizarre and inexplicable physics that make me question if any of the development team ever thought to check out a mini golf course and play a round before making this game.

Of course, like all Shin’en games this one looks great, has crisp sound and a clean simple presentation. I really liked the way the game knew when I had enough in game currency to unlock new courses and took me straight to the shop. After buying it would then take you straight to the next round! Great stuff. Shame this is a golf game and there are only two criteria worth judging it on; the design of the courses and the playability of the physics. FFMGT fails on both counts. Every course is pretty much the same length with just a few obstacles or bumps in the way. This, combined with the fascist rules, means you play every hole the same; go for a hole in one. If you miss the hole in one the ball will roll out of bounds and you have to try again. It you just miss, you’ll get to tap it in. The difficulty comes from adapting to the game’s physics. In FFMGT, golf balls… Sorry I’m trying to think of a way to describe it. You know how with tennis balls you can put spin on it and… no that wont work. Uh, you see the thing is with billiards that… uh. Look, I’m not a physics teacher but I will tell you to shelve all your knowledge of trigonometry and angles if you make the mistake of playing this game. It’s fucked but once you’re used to it, it’s a special kind of fucked that you can almost deal with if you have a younger sibling nearby to take your anger out on.

I’ve seen, elsewhere on the internet, other unpaid gaming journalists giving this game middling to above average scores. Do not believe their lies. This game is dreadful. Even with all bonus credit Shin’en bring to the table I cannot recommend anyone buy it. Free mini golf flash games offer more interesting courses, better physics and multiplayer. This game on the other hand costs $5. Five dollars can get you a hamburger. A hamburger will be more satisfying and stay in your system for longer than this game. Did I mention I completed it in just over an hour? I did. I had to leave the 3DS on longer so I could submit an angry review to the Shop Channel.