What if you could travel back in time and warn humanity about global warming, pandemics, toxic waste and growing oppressive capitalism? That’s right… nobody would listen and you’d be thrown in a mental ward with bad conditions. But what if you also had platforming skills and magic?! Heck yeah, you could just solve the problem yourself! In Timespinner we’re about to do exactly that.
Welcome to paradise. You’ve just arrived here on a boat with nothing. No money, no suitcase, no directions and a boat driver who doesn’t know the area. You also have no recollection of your place in the world or a backstory. This is a small island with 2 houses, a shop and a mysterious looking temple, with nothing on the horizon. What’s a tourist to do?
I’m finally free from the Amadeus facility. I had been locked in a room for 3 months with nothing but a PS Vita, and forced to write about games I had no interest in. An agent from the Department of Sneakin’ was able to free me by taking the keycard off a guard and coming back to bail me out of this room. Apparently they are building a time machine & need my help. I’m not sure how useful I can be as a videogame reviewer, but Major Milestone was adamant I write about solitaire. I was more than happy to.
After submitting a 285 page writeup on the intricacies of solitaire, I stood there while the boss read it all, occasionally nodding his head. It turns out Major Milestone already knew the ins and outs of Solitaire. This was just a test, and the real game I was tasked to review was Never Stop Sneakin’ on Nintendo Switch. This game existed in an alternate reality in one of Amadeus several timelines, & before reviewing I had to sneak back into his facility to grab the game. The Department of Sneakin’ had declared it too dangerous to sneak in again, so they hooked up the Nintendo Switch digitally to give me control of another agent. The logic was sound, as the top-down view I had was a lot more than anyone could see on the ground. Their life was in my hands now.
The year is 2024 and you’ve finally cleared your backlog just in time for this infinitely replayable boss rush game from Gunman Clive developer Bertil Hörberg. This game has no actual platforming levels, only boss fights, so you better be ready to kick some arse.
AttenHUT! A Tank.. Hut. A tank game.. on the eSHOP! Sorry, I was clearing smoke out of my throat. Tank Troopers is a Nintendo published game that recently hit the 3DS eShop for $10 AU. A tank game without death, blood or war, really? What else do you do with tanks? Nintendo has found characters crazy enough to drive tanks for fun!
The fastest download ever has hit the Wii U. I’m not joking, the Future Pack DLC for FAST Racing NEO clocks in at 13mb on the eShop, then somehow turns into a 2mb download on the HOME menu, then installs itself before you can even read the track list. What’s happening? Too late, we’re off.
12.38am. I had eggs for breakfast, but they were far from my mind in the middle of the night. It was Winter and I was lying down watching Summer Games Done Quick, taking in the joy of my favourite hobby from half a world away. One of my favourite reasons to watch speedrun marathons is discovering new games. Runny Egg was up next, and it was a good enough reason to stay on the couch. I’ve never heard of this game, but it looked cheerful enough that I could pretend it was Summer and continue escaping my life.
There aren’t too many 3D platformers these days so I picked this up on the eShop without even looking at a review or caring about quality. FreezeME is an N64-inspired platformer in the most obvious way, directly ripping off the structure from Mario 64 and Banjo to create a non-linear 3D platformer with multiple objectives in each world. I’ve beaten the game now and had a bit of fun exploring the worlds, but the game has a lot of problems.
Back in April, the company Uexplore released an affordable way to travel through space on the Wii U eShop. Seems hard to believe, but after an interview with Uexplore it turns out to be the real deal. There’s an alien world called Spectaculon and it’s only 23 light years away from Earth. They are offering the chance to explore this mostly uncharted world, with the promise that we can claim any land we discover. I’ve taken them up on the offer, and how could you not? This spacecraft is SWEET, man! Sure it has a few problems, but it’s passed every safety test, and recorded accidents are very low. I don’t know the specifics, but they sounded very convincing and official. I’m currently docked at a Uexplore station and it’s been one hell of a ride so far. I have a lot of time to kill in this spacecraft because I traveled quite far, so I’m faxing this review of my experience back to Earth. I trust it will reach the Uexplore company office and they’ll distribute it to Pietriots and friends. I’ll call it the “Ureview Travel Guide”. Hehe, they’ll like that.
Hee hee hee!! It’s myyyyyy turn. Throw your shovels away and bust out the beakers, because we’ve got a spell to concoct. With the Essence of every Knight I’m going to make a spell of ultimate power that will allow me to do anything I want. The bravery of these clueless Knights just makes me want to hurl, it’s so cliche. With special potions and smart movement I take advantage of their predictable Knight-like behavior. That’s it, run towards me. Right into my bombs. Too easy, AHAHA. My campaign has taken place in the shadows, and I’m not going to charge anyone or demand anything, just so I can stay underground in my laboratory and continue being brilliant. I have stealthily arrived in Shovel Knight as an automated download, but nobody cares about him. His essence is merely an ingredient in my potion. The other Knights are too stupid to complete anything, so there’s also a password to unlock me. Assuming they can read, HEE HEE!! I merely picked the sneakiest method to execute my devious plan. This is the real story, while the other Knights fight for glory and take each other out, we’re about to take control of the entire world.
Pew pew. Gunman Clive is a videogame where you jump around and shoot bad dudes, and Gunman Clive 2 is the sequel with more jumping and more shooting. Originally released on 3DS, they have now combined to form Gunman Clive HD Collection on Wii U, a huge collection of 2 games where you jump and shoot things. I’m going to make this review short and to-the-point, because that’s what Gunman Clive is all about. He doesn’t mess around with convoluted stories or filler content. This is probably the cheapest HD Collection ever made at 5 Australian dollars, and it’s the best version of each game. Instead of following the trend of other HD Collections by including new “features” like glitches, patches, crashes, muddy textures and framerate problems; this HD Collection actually makes the games better by refining the controls and polishing up the graphics for the big screen. The 5 dollar AU price point translates to 4 dollars in the US because we’re different. It’s 3 or 4 pounds / euros / whatever in Europe’s different regions. 700 rupees if you’re in Hyrule. 50,000 gems in Woolly World. 2000 coins in Inkopolis. Alright, that’s enough. I don’t know every currency and Gunman Clive is still pending classification in a few of these places. For a universal comparison, Gunman Clive HD Collection is the price of a freshly baked, choc-filled cake with strawberry topping. Except this will kill you dozens of times, instead of once. YEEEAAHHH!!!