Never Stop Sneakin’ – You Have One Job

I’m finally free from the Amadeus facility. I had been locked in a room for 3 months with nothing but a PS Vita, and forced to write about games I had no interest in. An agent from the Department of Sneakin’ was able to free me by taking the keycard off a guard and coming back to bail me out of this room. Apparently they are building a time machine & need my help. I’m not sure how useful I can be as a videogame reviewer, but Major Milestone was adamant I write about solitaire. I was more than happy to.

After submitting a 285 page writeup on the intricacies of solitaire, I stood there while the boss read it all, occasionally nodding his head. It turns out Major Milestone already knew the ins and outs of Solitaire. This was just a test, and the real game I was tasked to review was Never Stop Sneakin’ on Nintendo Switch. This game existed in an alternate reality in one of Amadeus several timelines, & before reviewing I had to sneak back into his facility to grab the game. The Department of Sneakin’ had declared it too dangerous to sneak in again, so they hooked up the Nintendo Switch digitally to give me control of another agent. The logic was sound, as the top-down view I had was a lot more than anyone could see on the ground. Their life was in my hands now.

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FAST Racing NEO – Future Pack DLC Bingo GX Deluxe Happy Times Zero Kart 8

The fastest download ever has hit the Wii U. I’m not joking, the Future Pack DLC for FAST Racing NEO clocks in at 13mb on the eShop, then somehow turns into a 2mb download on the HOME menu, then installs itself before you can even read the track list. What’s happening? Too late, we’re off.

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Runny Egg – Breakfast on the eShop

12.38am. I had eggs for breakfast, but they were far from my mind in the middle of the night. It was Winter and I was lying down watching Summer Games Done Quick, taking in the joy of my favourite hobby from half a world away. One of my favourite reasons to watch speedrun marathons is discovering new games. Runny Egg was up next, and it was a good enough reason to stay on the couch. I’ve never heard of this game, but it looked cheerful enough that I could pretend it was Summer and continue escaping my life.

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FreezeME – Freeze U

There aren’t too many 3D platformers these days so I picked this up on the eShop without even looking at a review or caring about quality. FreezeME is an N64-inspired platformer in the most obvious way, directly ripping off the structure from Mario 64 and Banjo to create a non-linear 3D platformer with multiple objectives in each world. I’ve beaten the game now and had a bit of fun exploring the worlds, but the game has a lot of problems.

freezeoffmylawn

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Affordable Space Adventures – Ureview Travel Guide

Back in April, the company Uexplore released an affordable way to travel through space on the Wii U eShop. Seems hard to believe, but after an interview with Uexplore it turns out to be the real deal. There’s an alien world called Spectaculon and it’s only 23 light years away from Earth. They are offering the chance to explore this mostly uncharted world, with the promise that we can claim any land we discover. I’ve taken them up on the offer, and how could you not? This spacecraft is SWEET, man! Sure it has a few problems, but it’s passed every safety test, and recorded accidents are very low. I don’t know the specifics, but they sounded very convincing and official. I’m currently docked at a Uexplore station and it’s been one hell of a ride so far. I have a lot of time to kill in this spacecraft because I traveled quite far, so I’m faxing this review of my experience back to Earth. I trust it will reach the Uexplore company office and they’ll distribute it to Pietriots and friends. I’ll call it the “Ureview Travel Guide”. Hehe, they’ll like that.

asafalling

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