Incompatible With Game Journalists: A Star Fox Zero Review

Ladies and gentlemen, according to the internet at large I have a problem of Nintardism Type 3. I am suppose to be in the loud minority that Star Fox Zero is a terrible game and Miyamoto should be fired over it. Yes, Star Fox Zero is supposedly a blight on Nintendo’s record of quality games.

Having played Star Fox Zero constantly since said release, here is my response to that.

batman laugh

Star Fox Zero managed to innovate the way an on-rail and dog-fighting shooter should be, and also proves to be an amazing follow-up/reimagining of Star Fox 64. With EAD’s expertise in making a solid gameplay experience to Platinum Games’ amazing visual flair, this is without a doubt one of the best single player experiences on WiiU. Even with some (un)obvious flaws.

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Facebook advertising offers insights into the Zelda audience

Charles, here.

I had a windfall from my stocks in tobacco early this year and with a spare £15 I thought ‘why not invest in some Facebook advertising for that little gaming blog I own?’ Of course, I had to be diligent to not waste my spend. A cursuary glance at Pietriots reveals most of the content to be nostalgic yearning for children’s games of yonder and no amount of advertising could possibly generate any interest from stakeholders in reading these articles. Months passed, when young Bill Aurion wrote a topical and timely piece about The Legend of Zelda on the eve of the Electronic Entertainment Expo, this would be a perfect opportunity to promote content people may wish to read.

I now present the analytics of the Facebook advertising, with my insightful commentary revealing the truth about the audience of The Legend of Zelda. Continue reading “Facebook advertising offers insights into the Zelda audience”

The Rights of Artforms – Part 2

Editor
This is an editor.  His job of trampling pure artistic visions is necessary in order to keep works coherent, continuous, and relatable.

Thank you for rejoining me after Part 1. As stated earlier, this part will focus on video games in regards to artistic interpretation. So, in order to hide the fact that this part was done months ago and I simply cut a longer article in half so I could loaf for another month, let’s begin. And what better place to start than with the elephant in the room, Fire Emblem.

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This is the new world of Zelda…

It’s been two years since we got our first look at Zelda U, and now there’s less than two days until the hood is finally pulled off the secretive title.

We sadly will not see the game released in time for its 30th anniversary, with it being delayed to next year (likely to NX launch in March), but that does little to dampen the anticipation Zelda fans have for the title’s re-unveiling. Well, by fans I mean actual fans, not the ones that think Zelda should be more like Dark Souls, that Wind Waker’s art style is too kiddy, that the series requires voice-acting to be playable, or the numerous others with similarly unpleasant opinions.

So if you’re up for some speculation, let’s dive right in.

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Never Alone – Every Game Is Alive

The Iñupiaq people of Northern Alaska might be the most hardcore gamers to walk this Earth. They create weapons out of the bare nothingness they find in the ice, and use them to hunt seals and birds. One such example is the Bola, a throwing weapon with weights on the ends of strings, made out of bones. They throw it upwards to catch birds, and can score combos by hitting one bird on the way up, then another on the way down. They sometimes even get a third as the birds fall onto each other. With such an opportunistic eye and advanced usage of motion controls, I bet they could get every medal in Star Fox Zero. Now switch that scenario around and put a hardcore gamer in a freezing climate, they would die within a week. The Iñupiaq spend their entire day grinding their survival skills and contributing to the community. They create parkas out of seal intestines and feathers, and sleds out of driftwood and bone. They’ve put thousands of years into this game called living.

never-alone-living

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Star Fox Guard – Miyamoto Defense

Star Fox Guard is that “other” game that came out with Star Fox Zero, by a small Indie developer known as Shigeru Miyamoto. Previously known as Project Guard, it’s one of Miyamoto’s original ideas for the Wii U re-purposed into the Star Fox universe. As it turns out, Slippy’s uncle Grippy has been collecting minerals in space and he’s run into some trouble. I thought we’d never get to play this game, but miraculously it’s been finished and polished quite heavily. I’ve been playing the game a lot the past month and having a lot of fun playing every main mission, beating people’s levels online, and making my own. It’s very different to Zero because the control scheme is much simpler, all you do is scan through the cameras and shoot. Outside switching cameras on the touch screen and aiming them, it literally has one button. Every single button on the GamePad is the shoot button (even the dpad directions will shoot), and you’re going to need it.

robotapproach

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It’s Bad when Nintendo of America uses memes.

Oh no.

Obviously, Nintendo of America is being over-wrought by SJW leftist hippies as they love, love, and love the use of these obnoxious memes.

Clearly the best people to side with in denouncing Nintendo of America’s over-use of memes is… the Sonic the Hedgehog Twitter feed! Which also uses cringe-worthy memes based around it’s embarrassing status as a series. We should also side with Capcom because they clearly know how to localize their own game without the use of dank memes! I mean, it’s not like gamers made memes against Nintendo’s will, especially in regards to Star Fox in general. Oh hey, they also made some based on Splato– oh fuck burn it with fire.

Memes are triggering to these special snowflakes. Who also use meme images in their tweets angrily yelling at them.

Splatfest – Black Tie Conspiracy (Japan/Worldwide)

A new Splatfest is upon us, but there’s something different about this one. Normally announced by Callie and Marie, this one came in the form of an invitation. This is the Miiverse message I received from a user named ???.

Dear SuperChris, we are holding a Splatfest on May 14. You can either wear Formal Clothes or Fancy Dress. Pick wisely, as this will decide your fate.

I knew what I needed to do.

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Star Fox Zero – You’re Improving, Fox!

It’s been a crazy few weeks. After my excited 5 hour impressions, I have 100% completed everything in Star Fox Zero. I have all 70 medals and have beaten all 19 paths in Arcade Mode. So has the excitement worn off? Fuck no. It has gotten better every time I’ve played, like I am ascending through the fighter pilot ranks. I’m now shooting things off-screen without even thinking about them. I’m casually dropping missiles below the TV for group combos. I’m flying through a giant robot’s legs and transforming while aimed upwards so I can land on a tiny platform above its butt to reprogram it before it turns around. This would not be possible without the new control scheme. I’m going to use this review to explain how this game is impossible without the Wii U, not because of “forced waggle” but because the level design takes advantage of it. There is a TON of brilliant design in this game that casual players (game journalists) will never see, and hardcore players NEED TO FUCKING KNOW ABOUT.

aquarosa

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Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones – Virtual Gold

Right after beating my first Fire Emblem game, I was so hyped and excited that I started Sacred Stones the very next day. With the two GBA Fire Emblem games sitting right next to each other on my Wii U menu, it just felt right and I was carrying enough energy from the first game to keep going. Despite a familiar game engine on the same system; a whole new cast, new maps, different enemy designs and a modified gameplay structure made Sacred Stones feel fresh and exciting immediately. I’ve just beaten this game after another 30 hour journey and I thought I’d write about the differences while both games are fresh in my mind. I won’t talk too much about gameplay specifics since that took up most of my Fire Emblem 7 writeup, but I will talk about what makes Sacred Stones a bit different and special.

sacredgameplay

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