We interrupt your irregularly scheduled Pietriotic update to bring you important news about Diablo III’s servers!

Normally I wouldn’t openly divulge any details regarding our tumble log’s (or whatever The Kids call the content under this domain name) traffic but something was up.

All the other sites beat me to the punch, too. Diablo III‘s servers have been overloaded since day one and no one can play. They’ve used up all the good jokes like how this should’ve been error 1, not 37. They’ve said the one about how we’re online, Blizzard are the ones offline, they’re breaking their own DRM. I understand that there is a queue now. Like you take a ticket and get in line to play Diablo. Are there scalpers too? Are people selling their place in line to play to the highest bidder? Maybe Blizzard should include that in game, just like the auction house. Oh shit, even that joke has been done already.

One wonders how this even happened, too. Blizzard know how many people pre-ordered their game, they’ve spent the past decade maintaining the most popular MMO in existence; they have the technology. They even bragged about it:

Since we’ve been supporting WOW for so long we have a large infrastructure of people who have become experts at supporting a live game like this, and have been through many, many launches with WOW and its expansions. They’ve built up the best live team. They really know how to take a game live. Our trust is in those folks to do that job.
– Blizzard’s Julian Love

Well I guess that trust has been broken.

The internet has of course taken out its frustration in its usual, mature, level headed way. But what really gets me is why anyone was even excited about the game in the first place. For a start, pretty much everyone involved with Diablo II left Blizzard seven years ago when Blizzard closed the developer. Most of the key personnel had left before then even. The remains of Blizzard North, nee Condor, scattered to the wind forming companies like Flagship Studios and Hyboreal Games, that succumbed to the realities to capitalism before ever releasing a game. Runic Games are all that are left. They’re hard at work delivering Diablo clones, free from the influence of Blizzard and their diabolical overlords Activision and Vivendi. Maybe Activision and Vivendi could’ve been part of the evil the players fight in Diablo! Someone who actually gets the opportunity to play the game should read between the lines for signs that this is the case.

The other reason no one should’ve been excited about Diablo III is that the Diablo series is one of the most overrated in gaming. I even owned Diablo II. “Whoops! Won’t be making that mistake again,” I thought to myself when Diablo III was announced. The Diablo games just see you wearing out the clicker on your mouse trudging through an endless series of glum, randomly generated dungeons where you collect randomly generated armour and loot. I didn’t like the idea of randomly having fun, I’d rather it was guaranteed through careful level design. The skill trees were the most interesting aspect of the game and I hear they’ve been taken out!

So fuck Diablo III and fuck all you clowns upset that you can’t play because Blizzard don’t have their shit together. Consider it a chance to re-evaluate your life and how you spend your precious free time.

10 thoughts on “We interrupt your irregularly scheduled Pietriotic update to bring you important news about Diablo III’s servers!

  1. I was with you until the second to last paragraph. Diablo II is one of the greatest games ever made. I’ve seen the “all you do is click” argument a million times and it couldn’t be more obtuse, no offense. It’s like disregarding all games because all you do is push buttons. Generally people who have that view of the game, for lack of a better way to say it, where playing it wrong. Yes, that’s right. Is there more to Mario than running right and jumping? Yes. Can you view it as just running right and jumping if you wish to or choose to play it in the blandest way possible? Yes.

    And yes, most (but not all) items and areas are randomly generated. This hardly means poor level design but then I guess if you’re looking for reasons to hate a game you can turn even positives into negatives, that’s hardly new.

    No offense, I’ve just heard these “I played it so I know!” arguments against Diablo II over and over again. If the game didn’t suit your tastes or what you’re looking for from a game that’s fine, no game is for everyone. However that does not make the series, or al least Diablo II overrated by any means.


    1. My disliking of Diablo II is never a popular opinion. I just found the game strange, I would lose an entire afternoon to it but at the end of it didn’t feel satisfied at all. As if I’d just eaten a feast but still felt famished. It’s hard to describe. I know a lot of people do like the game and I can understand why it gets the critical acclaim it does, so maybe overrated was the wrong choice of words.


  2. Hate to burst your nintard bubbles, but traffic died due to the Mario Kart 7 patch. Casual gamers took a break from searching 3DS QR Codes to play an online game for once – they don’t care about ACTIVISION-Blizzard’s highly-anticipated DRM Waitlist.


  3. This mess proves one thing: when your original developers are no longer around, shit will suffer.

    Crash and Spyro have proven this greatly. So has Resident Evil (sans Revelations).


      1. And the fact they let Sakamoto go Hideo Kojima like no one’s business because ITS SO HARDCORE.

        Damn it Pro, you always show us up.


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