3DS XL – Get Over It

Despite the fact that the 3DS XL is fixing the flaws that plagued the original 3DS (screen size, battery life, ergonomic feel), Nintendo’s ‘fans’ are still upset because it’s not the revision they wanted, despite the fact they already have this revision, quite possibly since 2005/2006. So what is all this whiny shitfest all about?

Like a stripper taking her clothes off.
Nintendo giving you the middle finger you all deserve.

A right analog stick and two extra buttons. You know, the things you already have on an 360 controller and DualShock controller? The things you use to play console games that require you to aim like a robot using PC first person controls but instead of a keyboard it’s a controller? I just want to let you all know it’s a fucking awful control scheme and I can name one (yes, one) game I sort of could stand playing, and it was called Mass Effect.

And I don’t want this bullshit on my handheld. But no, I’m wrong for not wanting shitty control methods that show developers can’t think up control schemes that never worked outside of a PC set-up. I’m wrong for playing games on the 3DS that don’t require it, despite the fact Kid Icarus: Uprising came with a stand I wanted since the DS FPS days, but no, it needs right analog controls to aim, because none of you fucking played any of the DS FPS games. I’m wrong for not converting to it for playing Metal Gear Solid 3D, a shitty port of a game unsuitable for handheld play. God forbid a game, which using THE FUCKING 3DS GYROSCOPE for a horrible gimmick, couldn’t be used for AIMING while the face buttons could be used for moving the third person camera, in a game that has less features then its inclusion on the HD Collection (well fuck you too, Konami).

Gaming media, so-called fans of the 3DS, it seems you have forgotten what makes a handheld, you know, A HANDHELD. On my bus ride to and from work, I want to play games that don’t bog me down with the bullshit that has nearly turned me off from console gaming. I don’t want to change the in-game camera every five fucking seconds because you can’t properly figure out how to make an automatic camera. I don’t want developers alienating pre-existing 3DS owners because they will fuck them over with control schemes that won’t work without the buttons if Nintendo bent over to the ‘fans’ demands.

Shut the fuck up and play your console. Shut the fuck up and play on your iPhone or Vita. You want the 3DS to be something it isn’t, and if you withheld a 3DS purchase because of fucking analog sticks and buttons, well quite frankly fuck you. I don’t want to put up with your whiny bullshit. You play games with right analog controls on consoles.

Christ.

Special thanks to Tiny Cartridge for the picture!

15 thoughts on “3DS XL – Get Over It”

  1. Truer words have never spoken. Outstanding job on your editorial, Matto. I don’t understand these dumb motherfuckers who can’t accept things. Nintendo have delievered the news about the 3DS XL. They just need to freaking accept it and move the hell on. I’m buying the 3DS XL for my birthday and purchase the Wii U this Holiday season.

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    1. The reason those dumb motherfuckers can’t accept things is simple: they are close-minded and they think they are entitled to Nintendo bending over for them. How adorable when they never bought a Gamecube for anything but Smash Bros. Melee.

      Also, Metal Gear Solid 3D was really shitty. Stripping out Substance features and making aiming done on the face buttons was fucking awful.

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  2. Well I like bitching and whining. And my issue with the XL stems from the whole idea of making bigger gadgets when we should be going the other way. The GBm was perfect.

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    1. No, it wasn’t. The screen on that damn thing was too small and its a ergonomic nightmare. If I was a kid with little hands and good eye sight? Sure, it would be fine. Now? Like hell.

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  3. A lot of people are just upset that they lost one of their reasons to troll the 3DS.

    When the Circle Jerk Pro was first announced, people cried because this meant Nintendo was going to include it in a revision and that it was going to be mandatory and they scammed people by selling an “incomplete” system and Nintendo hates me that’s why I cut myself. Any time a worthwhile game was announced/released, people would just troll by saying “lol not getting a 3ds until the dual-stick revision lololol”.

    Anybody with half a brain understood that the CPP was only there because of Monster Punter. The fact that it’s a Gamestop exclusive in NA should’ve been proof enough that it was never meant to be a standard control scheme. But, no, apparantly the CPP was an admission that the Vita “got it right” and Dat sexy OLED screen fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap.

    So, the XL excluding dual analog finally cements the realization that it will NEVER be a standard control scheme on the system, so people are going to have to find something new to troll about.

    Hey, I hear that WiiU is really weak. Let’s make fun of that.

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    1. Iwata just announced at their recent investors meeting that the 3DS’ sales are not as robust in NA and Europe as they are in Japan. I guess they don’t like fun experiences like Mario 3D Land and Kid Icarus Uprising.

      Still, at least its sales aren’t zeroes like the Vita.

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      1. Eh, I’d say it’s just that people think buying a $250 mp3 player that breaks by just barely dropping it is a better investment to little Jane and Johnny than a 3DS.

        I honestly cannot wait to buy a 3DS XL, I wants IT!!!

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