FAST Racing NEO – Future Pack DLC Bingo GX Deluxe Happy Times Zero Kart 8

The fastest download ever has hit the Wii U. I’m not joking, the Future Pack DLC for FAST Racing NEO clocks in at 13mb on the eShop, then somehow turns into a 2mb download on the HOME menu, then installs itself before you can even read the track list. What’s happening? Too late, we’re off.

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The Legend of Kusakari – Freshly Cut Justice

We’ve all done it. You’re playing your favourite legendary videogame with a very important quest to do. Traveling across a field to your next destination, your mind is heavy with responsibility. If only there was something to ease the tension. Swaying in the wind, something catches your eye… fresh grass. Thick, luscious, green, just begging to be cut. A few slashes can’t hurt, right? HYAH! CHOP! Health and money fly out but you don’t even care. The sound effect is rewarding enough. The grass disintegrates into the air along with your troubles. The leafy smell comes through the screen and you start to feel connected to nature. The objective of saving the world fades into the background as you seek out more grass to cut. HYAH! More! MORE! MOOOORE!

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Project Zero: Maiden of Black Water – Safe to Drink

Mt. Hikami is a popular suicide spot for young girls. It has a dark reputation but when someone feels helpless, alone, and “ready”, this spot is the brightest thing they can see. You have no control over any aspects of your life, but you have the choice to kill yourself. The very thought is liberating because you can actually do something with a result, and make a difference by removing your misery from the world. The stresses of your environment fade into the background of your mind with this empowering thought. “Do it” you hear a voice behind you. There’s nobody there… huh? “Doooo it. KILL YOURSELF. KILL KILL KILL KILL!!!!” Whooaaa, this outside force is encouraging your selfish act, and it suddenly has no appeal. All the power and strength you just mustered will now be used to stop this evil force.

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Runny Egg – Breakfast on the eShop

12.38am. I had eggs for breakfast, but they were far from my mind in the middle of the night. It was Winter and I was lying down watching Summer Games Done Quick, taking in the joy of my favourite hobby from half a world away. One of my favourite reasons to watch speedrun marathons is discovering new games. Runny Egg was up next, and it was a good enough reason to stay on the couch. I’ve never heard of this game, but it looked cheerful enough that I could pretend it was Summer and continue escaping my life.

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Fire Emblem Fates – Birthrights and Love, Conquest and Blood

This game has taken over my life the past few months and absolutely dominated my 3DS playtime. After 160 hours I’m finally ready to write about how good it is. It’s gone above and beyond my expectations. The story is ambitious, the level design is brilliant, the characters are interesting, the soundtrack is rich, and the gameplay has evolved in all the right ways.

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Darksiders II – Death of the Wild

The universe is descending into chaos as the war between Heaven and Hell gets complicated. The Charred Council created The Four Horsemen, giving them the task of enforcing law and maintaining balance across multiple dimensions. Humanity emerges in a third dimension named Earth between Heaven and Hell, and this is where the real trouble begins. The very fabric of existence is threatened by screen tearing, as a videogame company named THQ threatens to publish the universe.

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Rhythm Thief – Pressing Buttons Through Paris

Are you ready, Fondue? *woof woof* We’ve got a game to review!

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My father was a game reviewer. He would anonymously submit his writing to big magazines. Nobody ever knew who it was, but they all recognised his style and he became known as the Phantom Gamer. One day he mysteriously disappeared and stopped submitting, and I’m trying to solve the mystery by reading his old game reviews and looking for clues. He also left me this coin. I don’t know what it means yet, but I’m sure it’s the key to everything. To get into the museum holding my father’s old game reviews, I have to submit my own, so let me tell you all about Rhythm Thief on 3DS.

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Fire Emblem: Shadow Dragon – Land of the Rising Marth

Shadow Dragon is a remake of the very first Fire Emblem game and I’ve just played through it on the Virtual Console. That’s right, from the NES, to the DS, to the Wii U, this game has had a journey of its own. Being the first time one of the earlier Fire Emblem games has been released in English, this game presents classic gameplay with the original story of Marth and the kingdom of Altea. It has quite a simplistic gameplay-first approach without many bells and whistles, but the gameplay is very good and I absolutely fell in love with the design of the game.

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Fire Emblem: Awakening – On the Wrong Side of the Bed

After playing through Fire Emblem 7 and 8, my addiction has continued with Awakening. I’ve recently beaten it after one hell of a ride. This one however had many bumps. It’s a great game but I didn’t enjoy it nearly as much as the GBA games. My first mistake was playing on Hard mode, it was NOT worth it. It is not hard at all. The game cheats and trolls, to the point where it forces you to cheese the game and troll back. The balance of this game is all over the place, with a decently challenging first 10 chapters, a BRUTAL period shortly after, then an incredibly easy final 8 chapters. Obviously everyone’s going to see this differently, since different people die, level ups are random, and we all focus on different characters. However, I can only talk about my experience and it was bad.

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Never Alone – Every Game Is Alive

The Iñupiaq people of Northern Alaska might be the most hardcore gamers to walk this Earth. They create weapons out of the bare nothingness they find in the ice, and use them to hunt seals and birds. One such example is the Bola, a throwing weapon with weights on the ends of strings, made out of bones. They throw it upwards to catch birds, and can score combos by hitting one bird on the way up, then another on the way down. They sometimes even get a third as the birds fall onto each other. With such an opportunistic eye and advanced usage of motion controls, I bet they could get every medal in Star Fox Zero. Now switch that scenario around and put a hardcore gamer in a freezing climate, they would die within a week. The Iñupiaq spend their entire day grinding their survival skills and contributing to the community. They create parkas out of seal intestines and feathers, and sleds out of driftwood and bone. They’ve put thousands of years into this game called living.

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Star Fox Guard – Miyamoto Defense

Star Fox Guard is that “other” game that came out with Star Fox Zero, by a small Indie developer known as Shigeru Miyamoto. Previously known as Project Guard, it’s one of Miyamoto’s original ideas for the Wii U re-purposed into the Star Fox universe. As it turns out, Slippy’s uncle Grippy has been collecting minerals in space and he’s run into some trouble. I thought we’d never get to play this game, but miraculously it’s been finished and polished quite heavily. I’ve been playing the game a lot the past month and having a lot of fun playing every main mission, beating people’s levels online, and making my own. It’s very different to Zero because the control scheme is much simpler, all you do is scan through the cameras and shoot. Outside switching cameras on the touch screen and aiming them, it literally has one button. Every single button on the GamePad is the shoot button (even the dpad directions will shoot), and you’re going to need it.

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Splatfest – Black Tie Conspiracy (Japan/Worldwide)

A new Splatfest is upon us, but there’s something different about this one. Normally announced by Callie and Marie, this one came in the form of an invitation. This is the Miiverse message I received from a user named ???.

Dear SuperChris, we are holding a Splatfest on May 14. You can either wear Formal Clothes or Fancy Dress. Pick wisely, as this will decide your fate.

I knew what I needed to do.

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