Iwata Asks: Michael Pachter – The Lost Interview

A few months ago, expert internet hackers discovered a “lost” Iwata Asks interview between Nintendo president Satoru Iwata and gaming industry analyst Michael Pachter. After braving multiple contract loopholes, shark tanks and Jim Sterling’s rolls of fat, I’ve managed to get a hold of this insightful interview. Enjoy!

IWATA: Today I will be interviewing Michael Pachter, a professional gaming guesser.
PACHTER: Actually Iwata-san, the correct term is “analyst”.
IWATA: Oh, is that what they call people like you? I didn’t know that was actually a thing.
PACHTER: Right…
IWATA: Please tell me about your job, Pachter. I would really like to know how you come up with 2 + 2 = 7. Last I remember, it equals four. (laughs)
PACHTER: My job is to analyze and make predictions for companies who require my advice.
IWATA: That must be some high-end advice, did the cost of your guesses cause them to lay off employees and go out of business?
PACHTER: No.
IWATA: Are you sure? I think they deserve a refund since you seem to always be wrong about us.
PACHTER: That isn’t true.
IWATA: (laughs) Are you predicting you are right in that reply? (laughs)
PACHTER: You should make a system that I can grasp the concept of, it will sell well out of the gate.
IWATA: Our apologies you can’t understand a controller concept or basic math, Pachter-san. (laughs) By the by, how did those predictions of Vita taking away 3DS’ marketshare going?
PACHTER: [silence]
IWATA: Just recently, you said our fanbase sucks and they only buy Nintendo games?
PACHTER: Yes, that is correct.
IWATA: Can’t really blame them, we do actually beta test our games properly (laughs). So, how many internet hits did you get this time?
PACHTER: I don’t know what you mean…
IWATA: Did our Wii marketshare catch you off guard? Oh wait, yes it did. You ‘predicted’ the PS3 would take it easily.
PACHTER: [silence]
IWATA: Don’t worry Pachter-san, we still respect you as a one-man comedy routine.

The Last Story – A New Page In Game Design

The Last Story is captivating. It tells the story of a group of honest mercenaries striving to be knights – not so they can dominate the world – but merely on the hope of a good night’s sleep without one eye open. The story that unfolds is wonderfully intriguing and engaging, and with fun gameplay and interactive environments; you’re not just watching or reading the story, you’re PLAYING it. It’s a fairy tale set in a living, breathing world that embraces the interactive nature of videogames. It’s such a different game in so many aspects and brings a lot of new things to the table in terms of how you approach things as a player. I could fill this entire paragraph with buzzwords and verbal wankery, and still fail to capture what the game is like. Everything has a magical, whimsical story-telling feel to it, like a long descriptive dream with talented British voice actors. It’s a love story because I’m in love with this game.


Continue reading “The Last Story – A New Page In Game Design”

Steel Diver

Steel Diver – what a history this game has. It started out as a tech demo at E3 2004 for the original DS, and quickly became a game everyone wanted to be real. In a time when Nintendo was criticised for their apparent lack of new franchises, this game was labeled unique, old-school, complex, and refreshing all at the same time, and had hardcore gamers foaming at the mouth. “Submarine Tech Demo” was used in message board arguments around the world to illustrate what Nintendo “should” be doing.

Fast forward to 2011, and the game has finally been released as Steel Diver on 3DS, with fully fleshed out levels and modes, on a brand new console with updated graphics, and a third dimension added. Nintendo fans and the press were set to go absolutely BALLISTIC over this game, everything they wanted was finally here, and to top it off, it was a launch title for a brand new system. However, something was wrong. The game received no hype, no coverage, and nobody bought it. Was the game bad? It was covered so poorly, you probably don’t know anything about it. That’s why I’m here. I’m going to tell you ALL about Steel Diver, so sit back and enjoy another Pietriots review with your favourite beverage.

Continue reading “Steel Diver”