“Durp!” – Pachter: “Two + Two = SEVEN!”

Oh boy, here we go again.  Only our favorite videogame analyst in the world, Michael Pachter, could be obnoxious enough to drag me out of hiding.  And it’s a three-fer, so enjoy a triple helping of Pachterd Sandwich…

First, let’s go back a couple weeks to one of Pachter’s Wii U whinge-fests…

“[Wii U] isn’t going to work. I don’t get it. I think that essentially this is a solution in search of a problem. I mean, somebody had an idea – ‘let’s make the controller a tablet’ – and there aren’t many games that are going to take advantage of that. Activision never said anything to me, but I know that [for] big games like Call Of Duty they said, ‘No, we’re not putting it on [Wii U] if you don’t give us a conventional controller’. So [Nintendo] gave in.”

It’s clear from the get-go what’s wrong with statement if you translate away the Pachterese.  “I don’t get it” = “I don’t have a clue what I’m doing, so I’m going to make shit up off the top of my head.”

Because even classically Nintendo-biased media outlets couldn’t buy this as analysis, Pachter was called out to clarify his statement.  He came out with this gem…

“I am putting two and two together to conclude that Activision put pressure on them. I do not know this either first-hand or third-hand; nobody told me. I am merely deducing it from what we know, and it’s an educated guess.”

Yeah…”educated”…It’s a bit like deducing the culprit in a murder case from the way the leaves settle in your morning cup o’ tea.  And frankly, don’t worry about telling us that nobody told you anything, Pachter.  I would find it far more unbelievable that anyone would actually want to talk to you…

This brings us to the creme de la creme of this trifecta of ass.  Coffee With Games was still absolutely baffled by Pachter’s thought (or lack thereof) process, so they had a correspondence with him in order to get to the bottom of the matter, and see if his statement was out of context.  So what did Pachter respond with when he was eventually asked how he could derive this riveting analysis from absolute bullshit?

You have a right to your opinions, and you of course have a right to think that my opinions must be based on facts. However, it is my view that my opinions can be based on whatever I see around me, and putting two and two together gets me to opinions all the time. Sometimes, I add two and two and get seven, but I still add two and two.

It instantly clicked in my head just how well this comment fits Pachter’s philosophy.  It’s the only way anyone could possibly be wrong with EVERY SINGLE ONE of their “analyses” and not learn a damned thing from them.  You know, scratch that; it is the SOUL of Pachter.  Pachter, as a person, can easily be simplified into the equation “2+2=7” much like how Suda Goichi is more famously known as Suda 51.  It’s quite possibly the most mind-blowing (unintentional) self-analysis I’ve ever seen…

So there you have it, kids.  The moral of the story is that it doesn’t matter if you are completely wrong in an assessment as long as you…try…?  At least one thing is absolutely clear: Pachter’s college degree isn’t in mathematics…

Source: Coffee With Games

13 thoughts on ““Durp!” – Pachter: “Two + Two = SEVEN!”

  1. You consistently put out quite entertaining posts that I enjoy. Just wanted you guys to know that.


  2. This guy is paid to be “the guy” when it comes to gaming. He pretends to know what he’s talking about by dropping buzzwords every few weeks and saying things like “Call of Duty” and “HD”. It’s enough to keep his buddies none the wiser, and he knows it.


  3. The guy is a statistical anomaly of wrong. You would think with enough guesses he would be right some of the time. Even worse is that he thinks Opinion = Facts. I don’t know what school he went t, but he better get a refund. On average I write better researched forum posts about poop Tacos than this guy with his non-analysis off P/E ratios and future growth. The man couldn’t predict his own suicide.


  4. For the record – people pay him tons of money to get his opinions. I imagine the ones he gives away for free on the internet aren’t in line with the ones he charges out the rear end for. At least, that’s the ONLY explanation I can think of.


      1. I’m just saying, it’d be a good explanation if he actually gives them good advice (as opposed to the crap he spews out for free). Think about it – if the advice he charges for is as horrible as what he says publicly, A) Why would anyone continue to pay him for bad advice and B) Why would anyone pay him him for advice he gives away freely?

        Perhaps it’s just the conspiracy theorist in me, but I’m a fan of the idea that the advice he charges for is actually good advice… and is about 100% different than what he gives away for free.


    1. It still doesn’t make sense. Unless you knew he had good advice before hand, you wouldn’t ever go to him in the first place because he has absolutely terrible advice and analysis. He has a near 0% hit rate even when he flip flops. When he does get it right, it is completely for the wrong reasons. his writing and logic is beyond sloppy. It’s just straight up incompetent.

      A far more likely answer is that he uses his position to influence stock up or down and makes bank on the difference like the stock “Advice” that is popular on American TV that exists only to sucker pundits.

      This works out for him since for videogames he is the only game in town giving far greater influence than he has any right to. Like Glenn Beck pimping Gold 24/7, he puts out “advice” for people and for him it doesn’t matter if it goes up or down as long as it goes in the direction he wants. He is a scam artist.


    2. Or the most simple solution. He’s a tool for gaming media that knows his trolling earns guaranteed traffic and comments. Nintendo supporters can’t resist calling him out and Nintendo haters can’t resist joining him in his trolling. It’s an easy fix for a slow news day.


  5. It’s not just Nintendo players that he is wrong about, he is wrong about everything. He has no fundamentals what so ever. If he is a news troll, he trolls anybody and everybody that remotely cares about or understands videogames.


  6. “I would find it far more unbelievable that anyone would actually want to talk to you…”

    Actually, he does have a friend. Its european fatass journalist Jim Sterling.


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