Gamers, stop being shit and buy a Wii U

It’s been a while since I’ve done a rant, which means a lot of rage has built up. I’m going to deliver it to you right now in the form of a reality check on the state of the gaming industry. It’s gotten to such a bad state in the past few years I’ve just avoided talking or thinking about it and happily played my games. Iwata was right in 2000-2004 about graphics not being important. In 2015 he’s still right. He’s been right every time he’s opened his mouth and prophetised games declining in value (aka the end of the world) which IS NOW UPON US.

JAPAN-GAME-COMPANY-NINTENDO-DENA

Continue reading “Gamers, stop being shit and buy a Wii U”

Depressing Realities Surrounding Next-Gen Gaming

Oh hey, guess what folks? The ‘true’ next-generation game systems arrived last month, but unlike most people who are absolutely convinced these are the best systems EVAH, I’m going to put out some more depressing realities that we could face. After all, didn’t you all like my last one?

No? Well shit.

Continue reading “Depressing Realities Surrounding Next-Gen Gaming”

WiiU is Failing, but it isn’t Nintendo’s fault

Good lord, I’m having déjà vu yet again! Three months into the life of the WiiU, we’re already seeing the cycle repeat itself as it did with the 3DS; sales start to stall, and third parties are no where to be seen. According to the NDP, WiiU versions of games are selling worse then the Vita! (…Vita still counts?) Nintendo didn’t do enough to advertise the WiiU and court third parties! WiiU is now doomed!

Nintendo isn’t to blame for this current mess. Continue reading “WiiU is Failing, but it isn’t Nintendo’s fault”

In Today’s News, UbiSoft just screwed over Rayman Legends

In case you haven’t heard the news yet, all that free advertising Nintendo gave to Rayman Legends turned out to be absolutely worthless on Nintendo’s part: Rayman Legends is no longer a WiiU exclusive and it’s being put multiplatform, and as such it making gaming journalists, analysts and haters hard in the pants. The reasons given are batshit stupid but what is even more insane is the fact that the game, which is pretty much finished, has been delayed by six months and is now forced to compete with Grand Theft Auto V. Continue reading “In Today’s News, UbiSoft just screwed over Rayman Legends”

“I like my new WiiU, but I won’t make games for it!”

It has been a few weeks since the WiiU launched, and I am loving it. Miiverse is amazing, ZombiU is amazing and New Super Mario Bros U is pretty close to topping Super Mario Bros. 3 is terms of being my favourite side-scrolling Mario game. While the game journalism side has already been torn apart by Grubdog, its time for me to tear apart the other BS part: the third parties. Continue reading ““I like my new WiiU, but I won’t make games for it!””

Hey U – Give Me Real Controls

The Wii Remote & Nunchuk was last generation’s innovation in violence – still strong today, still better than the competition. This was the method of controlling the last true console Resident Evil experience the world would know: The Umbrella Chronicles.

For the previous console cycle, there’s a seldom-stated lesson Capcom briefly learned (see RE4:Wii) then immediately forgot (see their “HD” games): if you’re pretending to KILL in a video game, do it properly. It’s just a shame we don’t have to pretend anymore: modern games, such as Capcom’s premiere action series, have gotten so smart that they play themselves (step aside Super Guide). The games don’t hesitate to handle much of the excitement on their own, and work hard to convince us that quick-button-context-flashback-retrospection-cutscene was an artistic achievement (“Best QTE of 2012,” is there such a thing?). Opponents of violent gaming love to point out how video games “teach kids how to kill”, but I know that’s rubbish cuz most games suck at that, especially as more games suck at being games. It’s supposed to be like watching a movie, right? Why not an effing GAME? Thru these last couple generations of analog masturbation, popular shooters have more or less surpassed “REALISTIC EVERYTHING” – nevermind the gameplay. And in a (not really) fun twist, “more realism” cheerfully graduated to “more Hollywood”; new gameplay became movies that look like gameplay. “Wow, it’s like playing a game,” – thanks, my confidence in the new generation is at an all-time high.

Before proceeding, I want to be clear that the major ideas in the blocks of text below don’t necessarily apply to every genre or gameplay mechanic. Many of our favorites are derived from things like tennis, team sports, board games, gambling, mazes, vehicles, boxing puppets, and Donkey Kong – there’s no reason to mess with certain core elements. However, TANGIBLE VIRTUAL VIOLENCE has a raw, engrossing quality that the majority of the Industry has not been interested in embracing for some time; fluid human movements seek the spillage of human fluid, yet they insist gamers don’t like movement and just seek Mountain Dew. Trapped in the game industry’s electronic erection contest, the prestigious computing “arms race”, we continue enduring their fake war: fake gameplay and fake value. Cash and companies continue to perish in the high-priced struggle to show violence; rarely do we see genuine imagination towards playing violence. It doesn’t have to be this way; we can still search for decency. Aim off-screen and raise your real arms to rediscover what’s in front of you: the gameplay in your hands.

/wii joke

Continue reading “Hey U – Give Me Real Controls”

Hideki Kamiya is Cool. You are not.

Now who is this cool looking bald guy smiling? Why this is Hideki Kamiya, a game director at Platinum Games. He’s directing Project P-100 for Nintendo and it looks super swell, one of my most anticipated WiiU games. Continue reading “Hideki Kamiya is Cool. You are not.”

Codemasters: Our Games Suck

Well it turns out Wii U isn’t getting F1 2012. Codemasters pulled an interesting stunt by announcing Wii U would get a Formula 1 game, then a few months later we hear about F1 All Stars, the Mario Kart ripoff. Now it’s been made apparent why this game exists: Codemasters have a contractual obligation to the FIA that requires them to release a Formula 1 licensed game on every mainstream platform (which is also why Vita and 3DS have their own butchered versions of the game). Absolutely terrified of releasing a normal game on Wii U, F1 All Stars fits the bill, and that’s good enough for Codemasters. In this interview we find out what they’re really thinking.

Continue reading “Codemasters: Our Games Suck”

“Durp!” – Pachter: “Two + Two = SEVEN!”

Oh boy, here we go again.  Only our favorite videogame analyst in the world, Michael Pachter, could be obnoxious enough to drag me out of hiding.  And it’s a three-fer, so enjoy a triple helping of Pachterd Sandwich…

Continue reading ““Durp!” – Pachter: “Two + Two = SEVEN!””

Gaming Journalism should be better, but…

My good pal EarthViper on the Nintemple forums posted this lovely little piece of GAMING JOURNALISM in my 3DS XL thread, and it was… interesting. Read it then come back, alright? I’ll wait for you.

Came back? Good. So what exactly is the problem?

Continue reading “Gaming Journalism should be better, but…”

SimCity Social is a disgrace

This is how a pyramid scheme works. Playfish and EA seem to have it in their heads that if a game is on Facebook it’s gotta be shit. Maybe someone at Playfish suggested they create a fresh and innovative Facebook game like Firaxis did with CivWorld and then John Riccitiello walked into the room, “what the fuck are you saying? This is Facebook, make it atrocious.”

The SimCity brand has been through a lot. The last good SimCity was SimCity 4, released back in the start of 2003, but even that wasn’t a true step up from SimCity 3000 until the Rush Hour expansion. Future expansions were theorised but never eventuated, leaving the game’s enthusiastic modding community to push the game engine to it’s theoretical limits and polish SimCity 4 into a kind of modern society simulator come digital train set. Since then, EA have kept original developer Maxis distracted with Spore while conspiring with Tilted Mill Entertainment to ruin the franchise with SimCity Societies and forcing their Japanese affiliates to badly port remixes of SimCity 3000 to DS and iOS. Apparently they also got the work experience kids to make a unique SimCity for Wii but no one actually played it because, you know, it was a third party game on the Wii. EA’s latest betrayal of Will Wright’s legacy is assigning Playfish to develop SimCity Social for Facebook.

Continue reading “SimCity Social is a disgrace”

3DS XL – Get Over It

Despite the fact that the 3DS XL is fixing the flaws that plagued the original 3DS (screen size, battery life, ergonomic feel), Nintendo’s ‘fans’ are still upset because it’s not the revision they wanted, despite the fact they already have this revision, quite possibly since 2005/2006. So what is all this whiny shitfest all about?

Like a stripper taking her clothes off.
Nintendo giving you the middle finger you all deserve.

Continue reading “3DS XL – Get Over It”