March, 2013 – EA Drops Wii U Support

In a fresh PR announcement nobody asked for, EA has decided to tell the world that Wii U sucks. After Mass Effect 3 was released in the Wii U launch period and sold like shit (even less than Tekken), they’ve concluded that there is no market for quality games on the system.

“We’re very disappointed in Nintendo fans, they would rather support a bunch of childish tech demos than a fully fleshed out RPG action adventure such as Mass Effect. EA is all about quality, and ultimately our efforts are better spent elsewhere. We must be appreciated by the hardcore casual longtime newcomers that represent our target market.”

The Mass Effect Trilogy, released last year on Xbox 360 and PS3, may have been a contributing factor. It has sold a million copies since then, and perhaps made Mass Effect 3 by itself look less valuable. $60 for one game, or three games?

We found an EA representative and asked him for an interview. He said fuck off, so we came back with Xbox Australia badges. First we asked about Mass Effect 3 Wii U, is it quality software?

“Absolutely. When you look at crap like Black Flops, we’ve really found a great use for the tablet that puts Mass Effect above the rest. I mean, Activision are still using the Wiimote, how lame is that? 2006 tech, no thank you. We’re all about the tablet, and the map screen added a lot. You can see the walls without looking at the walls. The touch screen is there for when you want to select icons. It’s a whole new way to play, you could say it makes the game three times better.”

We all had a good laugh over that, though perhaps at different things. He thought Black Flops was hilarious, and muttered something under his breath. After that hearty moment, we moved on to the next question. If they’re dropping Wii U, what console are they supporting? With Xbox 720 and PS4 yet to be seen, Wii U has gathered strong momentum.

“This Ouya thing is coming out any day now, and it’s just the thing we need to kickstart a fresh batch of quality metacritic blockbuster AAAA lineup annual games. We’ve pitched them an idea for a great online service, and if they let us completely take over their system, we’ll bring strong support.”

We stared blankly and wished him luck. On our way out we spotted an Activision poster with scribbles all over it; clearly they are big fans. It’s nice when rival companies have respect for each other. Meanwhile, you can now find Mass Effect 3 Wii U for $20 in clearance bins. The third and worst game in the series is a great way to get into the franchise.