A Guide for Third Party Developers on Nintendo Consoles

With the new 3DS and the possibility of a Wii successor either next year or the year after, it’s probably a good time to let third parties know that they haven’t been up to snuff on Nintendo’s platforms lately other than the DS.

The following is a ten step guide to finding success on Nintendo consoles. Success seems to be elusive as third parties struggle to succeed and feel that they have tried everything (obviously not everything, like make mostly high-quality games from launch) and still find that the Wii and sometimes the DS audience are reluctant to purchase their products. So what follows is a handy set of guidelines that will help you on your way to financial or at least critical success on Nintendo’s platforms.

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Wii Want Our Money Back

As Wii tops sales charts worldwide, experts fear the current domination of Nintendo’s Wii system is a major threat to the stability of the gaming industry. A new study proves that if Wii continues to dominate, people will spend less money on gaming, which could force an alarming percentage of gaming developers out of business.

“I have Wii Sports, I don’t need any other games,” insisted a local resident we contacted, in a worrying statement. The general consensus from the gaming community is that Wii has downgraded videogaming from a serious hobby to merely a “fun” distraction.

Nintendo admits their main priority with Wii is making people have fun, but remain arrogant on its success. When questioned about the survival of other videogame makers, President of Nintendo of America Reggie Fils-Aime replied with “not my problem”.

Analysts previously felt that Wii was just having its moment and believed the fad would pass before doing too much serious damage, but uncertainty is starting to develop in even the most positive, and most industry analysts are now admitting things haven’t gone as planned and are closely monitoring the situation.

Observers are starting to discover loopholes in Nintendo’s strategy, as Wii owners currently endure a serious lack of new content. Experts warn that supply of Wii could be restricted for some time, and with consumers losing patience and PS3 getting more games released each year, things could very well get back to normal.

A former Nintendo employee agrees it’s only a matter of time before their “moment” is over. Keen industry observer MikeUS backed that up with his insight, “haha wii sounds like wee”.

Wii Breathes Life Into Gaming Industry

After suffering a steady decline over the last few years, sales of videogames are up over 55% over last year and there’s one key factor: the introduction of Nintendo’s new Wii system. Nearly six months after launch, keen consumers are still lining up for hours outside stores whenever a new shipment of Wii arrives. Such demand is unprecedented in the entire history of the gaming industry.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” commented local store owner John Fredward. “People are so excited when they can finally secure themselves a system, even when they have to trek here at 6am in the snow to get it.”

The key factor to its success is the introduction of a new way to play, which has given people who previously felt alienated from videogames a second chance. Nintendo’s Wii allows people to play games with unrestricted 3D movement simply by moving around the remote shaped controller. Son of a father of at least one, George Beating, proudly remarked, “my friends and family are actually excited about games again; Wii has a real friendly attractive vibe that just lets everyone let loose and have fun.”

Not only are consumers benefiting from Wii, but game developers are in heaven. “This system has given us a lot more to work with and given life to many ideas we’ve always wanted to realise.” Wii is much more developer-friendly than other systems and doesn’t require a huge money investment by the publisher, which is resulting in a huge barrage of games being released. The success of Wii is a win-win situation for the gaming industry and gamers, and it looks set to continue as Nintendo stocks rise to record highs.

OUTTA THE WAY DICKHEADS! Gran Turismo is here to save the next gen!

Oh man can you believe there are skeptics out there who doubt the revolutionary power of PS3’s Cell™ chip to change the way we think about games? I mean no game is a better showcase for Sony systems than Gran fucking Turismo, right? They haven’t even put gameplay into the previous four releases ensuring they totally focus on the graphics and hasn’t it shown?

Personally, I’m glad Polyphony Digital took the brave step of removing cars from the latest version of the game, which is also the first version of the game but now in HD! Genius. And don’t the latest screenshots just affirm this as the correct course of action? I’ve annotated all the new features of the game in case you’re an idiot who can’t see them from the crystal clear high definition screen capture. It’s fidelity is so high, in fact, that we can’t even contain it in our tiny column-based blog!

I can’t wait.