Metal Gear Solid 4 – Do you require Nanomachines™ in your diet? (WARNING: STORY SPOILERS)

MGS4

In the world of Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots, if you have convoluted plot-devices from previous games in that series that had no answers to the questions raised, then you can fix that problem with Nanomachines™! With Nanomachines™, you can keep killer diseases like cancer at bay, make your military units competent and/or zombies who can shoot things somehow, and explain ridiculous plot devices that destroyed any writing creditability you had circa pre-2001! And thanks to this being the final Metal Gear Solid title (ahahaha nope not really), Solid Snake gets the send off he deserves. Wait, no, he didn’t. That’s what most of Kojima’s blind-fanbase truly believes (like thinking Cyborg Raiden is a good character); in actuality, this is one of the most hateful games I’ve ever played. Unlike Metroid: Other M, which had an equally stupid storyline with gameplay-intrupting cutscenes that also had questionable character development, MGS4 did whatever it could to piss me off… and no, the 2012 patch doesn’t help matters either. Continue reading “Metal Gear Solid 4 – Do you require Nanomachines™ in your diet? (WARNING: STORY SPOILERS)”

Battlefield 3

battlehead
Battlefield 3 is a fucking disgrace and a monument to everything fucked up about gaming in 2011.

So let’s start this by talking about the user experience. You load up Origin, EA’s malvolent store slash game launcher client thing that is not Steam and it has some validation thing that takes way too long. Then you click on Battlefield 3 and it runs another validation thing to make sure you don’t live in the future; once it confirms that you don’t, you can load the game. Except that Battlefield then doesn’t load the game – instead it opts to fire up your web browser and takes you to a website EA calls the Battlelog, some people have called it Facebook For Murderers, others ‘one of the worst ideas in video game history’. Your web browser will be as unprepared as you for Battlelog, forcing you to install two plugins for your web browser to continue. Now so far in this review I’ve talked about what you do when you first play Battlefield 3; I’m going to talk about what I did for a moment: At this point in the process I turned to my one, solitary friend on Origin, who was playing Battlefield 3 at the time, and complained about the validation shit. I said, “all I want to do is shoot cunts!” He laughed and responded with “I hope you like dying.” Now at the time I thought this was just him shit-talking my gaming skills, but in reality it was an ominous warning of what was to come. Battlefield 3 is a game about dying. Continue reading “Battlefield 3”