A Tribute To Funky Kong

Wow, could there finally be a good Nintendo character?

In a world full of non-gamers and kids, it’s always a surprise to find something that caters to hardcore real people like me. When I look in the mirror, I see Funky Kong, except my muscles are a bit bigger. Mom calls it flab but what does she know, she plays Wii Fit. Haha. She probably plays Mario Kart too, the other day I saw someone online called “Mom”, I was too embarrassed to ask if it was her. I could hear Mario Kart sounds from her room but last time I went in there I regretted it, she was playing Wii Fit with three guys in weird poses. A handcuff peripheral, what will Nintendo think of next? Anyway. Everyone who uses Funky Kong seems to be cool like me.

He’s cool because he has muscles that means he’s strong. He works hard and has the bod to show for it. Who needs kiddy items to win races when you have real skill. Lazy people use normal names and karts and Wii Wheels and Miis (but not Mii! haha). Funky Kong users put effort and skill into even our names, next time you’re online you better make way for <<M!ke>> on his bike.

He wears sunglasses even indoors to utilize Funky Vision. Funky Vision is a hardcore add-on for Wii that changes the races, making blue shells and speed boosts whenever Funky is in the mood to win, which is always. Once again proving how important skill is to Funky Kong players.

Funky Kong isn’t just about power and skill, he’s really smart. That’s why he hasn’t been in many Nintendo games ahaha. Every time I play Grumble Volcano, Funky Kong is the only one smart enough to beat the race in 30 seconds. While NonGamerDad and KiddyMom go the long way, Funky is already finished the race. Sometimes people stop in awe at the beginning of the race to watch, and even after that they still can’t figure it out ahahaha. It’s a Funky secret nintards.

Thank you Funky Kong for making me feel more masculine when playing a Nintendo game. It makes it slightly less painful.

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