Author: Mike

Federation Force is a good game, and that’s NOT okay

I have spent the last week trapped in an emotional prison and I can’t take it anymore. I am absolutely fuming with anger after playing through Metroid Prime: Federation Force. It is a well-crafted game, and this is a big problem. Next Level Games have poured tons of resources into what is fundamentally an INSULT to Metroid fans. They’ve wasted 20 hours of my life, and KILLED the Metroid franchise by gutting the structure, butchering the art style, and offending my entitlements as a traditional gamer who has supported Nintendo since the NES.

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New Super Mario Bros U – Ugly, Uninspired, Unfun

Mario used to be fun, about 50 years ago. Since then the franchise has slowly milked it’s way into creative bankruptcy, and here we have New Super Mario Bros U – possibly the least effort Nintendo has ever put into a game. We should all just buy it because it’s a Mario game right? It’s not even that. It’s boring and has no identity.

handcuffs

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Ridge Racer Vita – Impressions

DING DING DING – that’s the sound of Nintendo being knocked out of the hardware business. All-Star development team Cellius™ have released their first game after 5 years of development, Ridge Racer Vita. Sony’s new handheld features amazing graphics and a home console experience in your hands. It’s more than a controller with a screen.

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3DS Impressions – Unbiased

I’m sure you’ve read nothing but positive impressions about the 3DS, but they are all lies. Nintendo 3DS is the biggest scam of all time, lies based on hype, fueled by lack of information and deception on Nintendo’s part. All these websites have been tricked by Nintendo into thinking the 3DS is something it’s not. There’s a very good reason Nintendo has been hiding the 3D screen and not allowing photos, and only letting people play the system for a pitiful amount of time. They are forcing people to fill in the blanks with their own wet dreams, when in actual fact, the system has nothing interesting to offer. It’s nothing more than Nintendo propaganda, and journalists are falling for it left and right. Our sites very own Grubdog even forgot to mention that he attended the event wearing Nintardo fan goggles. They probably had screenshots of OoT taped on the inside. Wow, it’s popping out of the screen! Nintard. I decided to attend an event too, and now i’m here to give people an unbiased look at the new Nintendo.

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Nintendo 3DS? Does anyone care?

Nintendo are in a state of fear, the complete destruction of Nintendo DS last year at the hands of PSP has backed Nintendo into a corner. PSP was the highest selling system of 2010, and also had the highest selling Monster Hunter game. The overwhelming presence of iPhone and the looming danger of the mighty Playstation Phone now have Nintendo scrambling around hopelessly in the dark. Nintendo crapped their pants, and 3DS is what came out. This mere evolution of DS, with it’s ridiculous gimmick attached, will be completely forgotten by the end of the year, and here’s why.

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Pokemon Ranger

It’s hard to tell the difference between this game and a nightmare. It’s got Pokemon, it’s on DS, it involves lots of furious gimmicky scribbling, and after it’s all done you wake up with a wet patch. It’s a kiddie game, the characters in it all talk to you like you’re stupid. Even they know how bad the game is. What’s even worse is the gimmicky non-gameplay. All you do is scribble circles over and over again. If I wanted to do that i’d draw a toilet.

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