Let’s get straight into it, because every time I play online there’s at least one dumbass who shouldn’t have a karting license.
Lightning – Do not mash the item button the second you get a lightning. Look at the damn map. If you get a lightning, chances are you’re pretty far back so you need all the help you can get! Watch 1st place and use the lightning when he’s over a gap or in a difficult spot. If there’s a tunnel, use it in the FIRST half of the tunnel so they get put back before it, not after it, because that can help them. Also make sure to watch other players’ items; if someone has a star when you use the lightning, you’re practically handing them the race lead. Resist the urge for instant lightning gratification and you’ll unlock your inner karting power.
Don’t fight for scraps – This is a highly competitive yet highly balanced game and if you’re good enough to do one error free race then you’re good enough to win. Never give up and start firing items backwards, always aim AHEAD. If 1st place is blocking with a banana, shoot that shell to the side and try and get a rebound shot. It happens; think of all the rebound shots that hit YOU. Never settle for 2nd until it’s over and unleash everything you can on the leader. The best victories are the ones that seem out of reach.
Repeating tracks – I don’t care if you’ve spent all night practicing Bowser’s Castle in Time Trial. I don’t care if your WHEELS aren’t suited to underwater tracks. When your track is chosen, don’t pick it AGAIN immediately after. It’s cool to have a favourite, but there’s 32 tracks and we shouldn’t be racing on the same track twice in a row. Picking the same track 20 times in a row just shows how scared you are of losing. I can smell fear and it makes me drive faster.
Metal Mario – He’s lame and you’re lame. We get it, you unlocked him by playing a lot. You’ve picked the fastest secret character, now you have no excuse for losing. You and your 5 Metal Mario friends can enjoy sinking to the bottom of the grid in mass confusion.
Playing Single Player – It’s amazing how many people have the 3 star logo for clearing single player races a hundred times. Every second you play with single player bots you get dumber and lose your strategic edge. The mode is great for killing your awareness and leaving you vulnerable to item placement from real people.
Sore Loser – OK, you didn’t win. It’s not a big deal, nobody can win every race. Things happen; shells ricochet off walls, lightning comes at bad times (see above), bombs can drop in the perfect (worst) place. Some races just won’t go your way, that doesn’t mean you have to start driving backwards to prove a point or stop before the line; “hurp durp I should have won”. You lose all respect when you start doing that; a worthy competitor would happily cross the line in 2nd because he knows he tried his best. People notice bad behavior, so don’t be surprised if you become a target.
NOA REGGIE is watching.
I hope you use these tips to improve your experience, and mine! Happy Karting!
IS YOUR BODY READY?