Mario used to be fun, about 50 years ago. Since then the franchise has slowly milked it’s way into creative bankruptcy, and here we have New Super Mario Bros U – possibly the least effort Nintendo has ever put into a game. We should all just buy it because it’s a Mario game right? It’s not even that. It’s boring and has no identity.
First problem is a big one, the controls. The Pro controller doesn’t even work, I sat there for about an hour trying to get the game to recognize it. In order to play, I have to downgrade my gaming skills to “Naked Wiimote” or hold a fireworks display in my hand with the ridiculous new GamePad. The GamePad isn’t even a controller, it’s an iPad with no features. The thing is huge, ugly and feels awkward in a fast paced 2D platformer. You can’t even play multiplayer with the GamePad, if I had a friend he’d be pissed. Even when you’re NOT using the GamePad it gets in the way, hopelessly displaying exactly the same thing as the TV. The screen is supposed to be a “feature” of the Wii U but it’s completely useless, distracting, and you can’t switch it off. Every time I play this game I have to hide the main controller and turn the volume off so there’s no disco happening in my peripheral vision. My Mom’s parties are loud enough as it is.
This is half the game. Nintendo’s obnoxious hand-holding has gotten out of control, I don’t want ten million power-ups for one stage. I can’t USE THESE quick enough to not have the entire box filled with crap, and you can’t navigate the overworld without being trapped by items doing stupid animations. They’re scarier than the actual enemies. I’ve already got a fire suit equipped, and if I want another there’s tons inside every level. I don’t like hint boxes flashing in my face either, it’s not my fault I died to crappy level design. I’m a hardcore gamer and I have a brain of my own I’d like to use, but half my deaths were from boredom.
The Zelda franchise has already been ruined by babysitting, and now we can’t even jump without instructions and a trampoline of items. Even the challenges are bogged down by this crap, Nintendo throws a wild party every time you get a bronze medal. Oh wow, congratulations on being average. I’ve beaten this challenge before, are you giving me another bronze?
Then again, it turns out Nintendo fans are actually 3 years old. This crap is a nice reality check, I should be playing a real console and meeting girls in Playstation HOME. Nintendo fans are about as inspiring as Nintendo themselves these days.
Don’t get me started on the graphics, you’d be excused for mistaking this screenshot for some kind of Dolphin emulator hack made by a desperate Nintendo fan who only just got a widescreen TV for his bedroom.
“HD YAY! I’M DOING THE HIGH DEFINITION LIKE THE POPULAR KIDS!”
Not. The game looks disgusting, it feels like one of those flash clone games that Nintendo fans keep being offended by. Look at those clouds, I’ve seen clipart better than that. Nintendo doesn’t understand HD at all, they’ve just taken Wii assets and put so much lighting on top that you can’t even follow the screen properly. The whole thing stutters and turns into a blur when you try and do one of the speedrun challenges, it’s headache inducing. My pills don’t even help, I took lots of them to make sure it was the games fault. Furthermore the game doesn’t even scale to every TV properly, so half the screen is hanging out of sight. A chinese knockoff tablet is more welcoming than Wii U.
What else is there to say? Nintendo’s at the end of the road and this game is the last thing they needed. New SMB 2 wasn’t amazing either but at least it had an original idea with the coin challenges. I enjoyed that bit of freshness but sadly Nintendo’s given up. Miyamoto and his 60 year old buddies need to take a permanent vacation on Wuhu Island and let the new developers save their ass, because the “main” Mario team got completely outdone with this piece of trash. People were so disgusted by this game that sales of New SMB 2 went up the day this game came out. Wii U is already on life support with consoles rotting in stores, Nintendo can’t afford another flop like this. At it’s very best (that rare level or two where nothing annoying happens) New Super Mario Bros U is as good as your average $2 indie platformer. It’s dull, empty and the presentation is completely amateur. It doesn’t even have an options screen, because Nintendo is out of them. If you’re stupid enough to fall for the Wii U scam, then please pick up a different game. Tekken is pretty good and probably a much better Mario game.