Splatfest – Get Fresh Or Die Trying (EU/AUS)

A New Year is upon us and every Inkling is keen to make a fresh start to 2016. Today’s Splatfest is a war over riches and fitness as Team Money and Team Fitness battle it out. I have chosen Team Fitness because I am an honest fighter. The goal of “getting rich” has no personal meaning or existential benefit, and is simply the easy way out for Inklings with no self-worth. It is a temporary comfort that loses its freshness the second the ink dries out. I would rather die on the outside, than be dead inside. An Inkling’s respawn ability encourages growth and fitness, and as a member of Team Fitness I am not afraid to make a mess and put down those money grubbing squids no matter what the cost. Furthermore, Splatfests are about teamwork and Team Money quite simply are not trustworthy. In it for themselves, they are in for a rude awakening when their scattered team in-fighting is destroyed by the efficiency, strength and speed of Team Fitness. To aim for “richness” as a lifestyle is to drift away from freshness. Fitness however is freshness, and fighting for freshness is fighting for our very existence. If Team Money triumphs, the Inkopolis economy will collapse and prices in the plaza will quickly skyrocket due to greed. Eventually we’ll be buying gear off Spyke and the Sea Snail business will also crumble as a result. Without fresh gear and Sea Snails the Inklings can not stay fresh, and will go extinct. This is a battle for our existence as a species.

The hype was building as I admired some glorious muscles in the sky. Money might pay for structures, but only the fittest Inkling could put all these signs up so high. Especially that big muscle arm on the top left, that would require some heavy balancing. I’m already filled with confidence as Team Fitness is very organised. We know who we are and all our support messages emphasise the strength of our bodies and our commitment to hard work. Meanwhile, Team Money are just writing generic “get rich” messages with no connection to the self. They have no idea how to get rich, or what it means. They are fighting for an unfamiliar cause and in a sense, have already lost. They have disconnected from their inner squid in this pursuit of greed.

Let’s see what the other Inklings are saying, while I run some laps around the plaza to warm up.

roaryracer perfectly encapsulates the weak mindset of Team Money. He just expects money because it’s 2016. Because the year changed, and he exists. It’s not that simple mate. If you walk out into a Turf War and just say “hello” to the ground, it’s not going to change colour and paint itself. You have to put the work in and fire that gun. Splat that roller. I hope I get to play you, because you will be an easy target. You can ask for mercy, but you will not get it.

This is Minia, and all she sees is money. That means she is not going to see me as I splat her in plain sight. The ink that explodes out of her body will be her dream fulfilled and I will gladly help her see that. She is not fit for a Turf War. While she’s knocking on doors in Flounder Heights asking for donations, I will be painting turf and making sure she has nowhere to spend her money.

themineboy here is making a statement, not just with his fresh goggles but with a mountain coming from his arm. He doesn’t need to see where he’s going, because his goal is not an artificial physical object. His goal is growth and his mountain arm represents real inner wealth. It does not come from dollar bills, but our fitness. Being fit and strong is about growing, and in a Turf War you have to constantly be adapting to stay on top. The rich people will take a helicopter up to the mountain, but we will be climbing, painting the turf all the way to the top.

Fonzie88 has her fit together. The rich detail on that arm is crafted from effort and can not be bought. It shows just how hard we all work to maintain our freshness. It is not enough to simply draw a silhouette and hope that money fills the emptiness, you have to fill that emptiness with work and pride. While Team Money stands around on the battlefield blaming their teammates and charging up their win button, true warriors like Fonzie88 will be claiming turf, getting splats, and taking responsibility for their freshness. No corner will be left unsprayed. Our victory will be as defined as our muscles.

I’ve done enough laps around the plaza now, so it’s time to warm up the rest of my body.

HNNNG, YEAH!! 100 Squid-ups should do it. I found a great spot and got to work. Mahi-Mahi Resort provided affirmation of my freshness with its calm breeze and night-time ambience. The fitness artwork on the sign fueled each jump as I thought about all the other squids on Team Fitness doing the same. It was a great place to be with jellyfish also having a great time playing beach ball. Even they know how important fitness is.

Alright, it’s time to get Splatting. Team Fitness was ready and from the first match we were kicking arse and taking names. It’s barely worth talking about because we destroyed them with 70% of Turf claimed. After an amazing start I was already full of confidence. My team consisted of Fitness Fanboys and Fiends who had just started, but it was obvious they had all warmed up beforehand and done their squid-ups. This was our key to victory. Team Money clearly were not ready for the battlefield as they had the aura of bloated, overpampered Inklings. They were tripping over each other, shooting walls and they were so bloated they had to stop to aim.

The victories not only kept coming, but they were getting easier, as two members of Team Money disconnected right at the start of this one. What’s wrong, your team not good enough? As predicted, Team Money are unreliable, selfish squids who can not stand the heat of a real battle. There must have been a sale on somewhere, as they vanished faster than you can drain a credit card. This was disappointing, as I wanted to fight the strongest, richest squids possible. I wanted a challenge so I could flex the peak of my ability and get even more fit.

Then came the battle that defined Team Fitness. Flounder Heights was the stage, and when the game started, our teammate Pokey EXPLODED with excitement. It happens sometimes, us Team Fitness fighters just can not contain all the freshness inside us and we can get over-excited. It was going to be a 3 vs 4, and Team Money were already celebrating. However, Team Fitness never gives up. Moments like this are the reason we stay fit, so we can rise to the occasion. I felt my muscles throb as my Inkling blood perfectly distributed itself through my body. All 3 of us looked at each other as the match started to confirm our freshness was at optimal levels. We knew we had a chance and that was all we needed.

Charging straight forward, I knew the best strategy was to hold them back. Letting them in our half would be a disaster, because it would be hard to regain control against a team of 4. I made a straight path, while DemonX went left up the building, and Blecki painted a bit of turf in the base. This was the perfect approach, and we didn’t have to say a word to each other to make it happen. The residents in the flats cheered us on with a “Nice!” through the windows, as they didn’t want Team Money to win and buy out the apartment complex.

BAM, SPLAT!! I landed in their alleyway and surprised one money squid with a Splattershot in the back. Didn’t expect me here so early, didya? SPLAT!! I got a second squid as they looked for the first dead squids wallet. No money on the ground mate, only ink. I then died, but DemonX was still alive to keep them back, and I was able to keep pushing forward back to the middle as fast as I could. Blecki had done a good enough job with our home turf now, and the 3 of us moved towards the middle. We fought as hard as we could for 3 minutes to keep Team Money from making an investment on our turf. It kept going back-and-forth, with a lot of fighting in the middle, and we managed to break into their base a few times to unsettle them. Their Octobrush broke into our base and managed to plant a spawn point, Blecki killed him and the spawn point wasn’t an issue with 10 seconds to go. DemonX and I were in their base at the perfect time making a big mess as the match was ending, but 2 of them managed to escape to the middle. Who would make the bigger mess?! We gave it everything and now there were 3 seconds to go… 2…. 1…

We DID IT. All 3 of us played to the best of our ability, and we overcame a new challenge. That side path was not even necessary, it would have been nice but we had to be optimal and Team Fitness lives for exactly that. These two had barely any splats in the previous games, but they upped their game for this occasion. They were ready for this, and I was so proud. I felt like a Fitness Instructor with successful students, level 13 and 28, but I knew they would be 50 in no time at all. I hope you see this Pokey, and don’t feel bad. You were there in spirit, and mistakes happen. We all explode sometimes. Maintaining fitness is about pushing forward and overcoming these obstacles. We all fought for you and your explosive debris covered us all in determination.

The splats kept coming and Team Fitness never once stopped fighting. Always running, swimming, inking, always doing something. This is the key in any Turf War, to be active and make the most of every second. Staying fit in 2016 is going to require that same mindset, but we all know that there’s more to it. To fuel all this exercise, my diet consists solely of Sea Snails to optimise my freshness. No fancy expensive meal is going to sustain an Inkling like nature’s very own Sea Snails. Team Money have been spreading propaganda that Snail Fat is bad for you, but it’s a natural food source squids have been licking for millions of years. They are just trying to suppress the Inkling population and make Inklings slow and easy to manipulate, so they can sell their shoddy vitamins. Freshness is not an industry, it’s a lifestyle. I hear they also put pineapples on their pizza, weirdos. That doesn’t digest well at all.

I have to give a shout-out to my fellow fitness squids and make sure they are remembered. Thank you BlueFire, Victor, DemonX, Blecki, Pokey (I forgive you), Mallo, Cj, fuzzysham, Benji, cory (Nice!), SRT Laura, Jules, AJ, Celine, SpongeBev (nice Super Jump awareness), Jess and Gabe. You are all probably doing squid-ups right now, but your contribution is acknowledged in the Splatfest history books.

After many successful splats I have become the Fitness King, but I will not rest. Training is never over. While Team Money spend the rest of the day trying to bribe Judd and cheat the results, I will be splatting for 24 straight hours. Team Fitness will do anything it takes to stay fresh. Team Money will take their “opportunities” and fight 1 game an hour, while I am winning hundreds. Money might make the world go around, but you can’t buy freshness.

Have a fresh and fit 2016 everyone.