HYARRGHHH!! ROOOAAAARRR!! HNNNNNNNN!! Splat what? What fest? GO AWAY, I DON’T CARE!!
Wait, what’s this Ninja crap? Ninjas vs Barbarians sounds like a joke. Do ninjas even do anything? They sit around and hide while the real players take all the Turf and slam down the Rainmaker. These players are the bane of every team. This is surely a joke, but I better get my primitive legs and able body down to the plaza and put a stop to it.
This is actually happening, the ninjas have signed up to a slaughter fest. HAH HAH HAH! They must be so bored of doing nothing all the time and instead of becoming real players, they’ve tried to justify their weak mindset. There’s someone on Team Ninja on the other side of the plaza, looking up at the pansy fireworks taking notes. I think he’s writing a Splatfest article. I’m not a pathetic observer, so I’m getting up close to the door where the raw emotion is. These signs are proudly displayed at the front and represent the true raw emotions of squids ready for battle. Crom’s Beard is a worthy cause, but this ninja just has no purpose whatsoever. It seems like ninjas are also hiding from creativity. Let’s talk to some other Inklings, face to face like a real warrior. I’m not afraid of bad art.
Laura here is a true barbarian. She understands aggression and she’s so ruthless that she took out the u in honour. She doesn’t need it, and must have killed it for food. Those ninjas are going to taste just as good, Laura. This support message even has worn down sides, obviously passed around from barbarian to barbarian as we all nodded and grunted in approval. I’m confident you’ll be getting kills and painting Turf with that attitude Laura, things are looking good. Things are always looking good.
I’m sorry to break this to you Kirby, but the real Kirby is not a ninja. Kirby is a BARBARIAN by his very nature because he EATS THINGS to become different forms. How do you think Ninja Kirby came about? He ate a ninja and feasted on its guts. He’s only a ninja when he feels like it which is the barbarian way of life. This picture displays the true ignorance of Team Ninja and I’m happy to have Kirby in this Splatfest because the second he takes damage, his form is going to change.
Jake here doesn’t quite understand the ninja way of life, with a big fat “GO NINJAS!” sign letting the entire plaza know how stealthy he is. By pressing his A button I found his weapon of choice to be the Splattershot Jr, the least stealthy weapon known to squids. If he’s a real ninja, he’s not going to storm into our base activating the bubble, right? Come on Jake. Stop lying to yourself.
Frodo does not seem to have picked a side yet, an innocent bystander in this unnecessary slaughter fest. You can see the ninja’s inky blood covering the Splatfest sign. As a true barbarian who just wants to win, I will spare her life. I’m completely indifferent to her indifference. I can tell she’s going to be a barbarian just by her attitude. She’s embracing the Splatfest and doing whatever she wants. She’s just going to go out there and kill without thinking, hiding or deciding.
pre.ha saying what everyone is thinking. No messing around here, just pure honesty. There are too many lazy ninjas doing nothing with their squid lives and it’s time to go out there and splat some sense into them. This was all I needed to see.
My strategy for this Splatfest was… wait, strategy? HAH HAH! More like KILL EVERYONE! I’ll be too busy WINNING to be thinking. Thinking and hiding are both a waste of time and energy. The stages were Walleye Warehouse, Piranha Pit and Ancho-V Games. In all three, the best plan is to spray a path forward immediately, get into their base, kill them all, and never let the ninjas even see the other side of the map. We don’t need the side bits, but we’ll get them anyway. Team Barbarian is going to absolutely dominate every inch of the map. There will be no stealth. No wasting time. Every second will be our 1%.
The first match was at Ancho-V Games and I laughed my barbarian arse off at the start. One of the ninjas had already disconnected, and it was a 4 vs 3. I think they are taking stealth a bit too far by disappearing from Inkopolis entirely. My laughter shot through the stage and penetrated the Ninja Spawn Point at the start, stunning them for a few seconds. Before they could even drop down into the middle area, all 4 of us barbarians were in their base covering their entry points. It was over before they could even begin. They flopped around in a desperate attempt to do something, but we had an answer to everything. An echolocator brought their hiding spots into plain view, and I activated my Inkzooka at that exact moment to splat them while they crouched in fear. They truly had nothing. By the end of the match they had given up and I was getting bored so I started banging my head against the wall.
HNNGGG! YEAAAAAAHH THAT FEELS GOOD! UNF, 8! UNF, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. VICTORY!
After a few more matches I knew where this was going. Everyone on Team Barbarian had their shit together, and I had 3 god-tier players in every single match. I exited the lobby several times to try and find a low level team, but everyone on Team Barbarian was amazing. Every single player was good, because that’s the only way to survive as a barbarian.
On this stage we were so intimidating that Nathan became a barbarian mid-match, just look at that transition on the player list. Us barbarians all said “Nice!” at exactly the same moment at the start, and our cries echoed together to form a Killer Wail that caused Nathan to explode immediately as he left the Spawn Point. He then reformed as a member of our team, removed the cloth from his mouth, and put on some badass shades just so he wouldn’t have to look at his shameful ninja past. He quickly made up for it with 7 splats and I was so proud. We were all jumping around yelling “Nice!” at the end of the match to celebrate Nathan’s initiation, he was a barbarian now and there was no going back. Those other 3 ninjas tried to be stealthy, to no avail. They were just flopping around, dying over and over. Despite their attempts to hide their names with poor capitalisation, we still found and destroyed them with our primal barbarian senses. That’s why I could tell Nathan was a barbarian all along, displaying the proud capital N he was born with. Not shying away from his destiny and embracing his inner squid. Nobody on Team Barbarian was ashamed of their name and that confidence shows in battle.
To the ninjas credit, they completely dominated these hiding spots in the corners, occupying 100% of the useless parts of the map. They thought they were really clever so we just left them there, while we took the entirety of the map and won the game. Well done, ninjas. Your strategy worked but unfortunately for you, that’s not how the game is played. Get out of here.
I started getting angry at how easy this was and went to Ancho-V Games by myself to release some of that anger in a healthy barbarian way. I smashed my head on this fan and exploded, just so I could feel something. It was wonderful. I pictured myself fighting solo, against a team of 4 ninjas in the ultimate unbalanced battle, and I felt the pain of the impossible. I felt so alive.
After killing myself dozens of times I have to flex my barbarian brain for a minute with some real talk. We don’t talk much but we do have very big brains, because you have to be smart to survive on your own. Aggression is the only play style in this game, you simply can not be a good player if you play defensive. I see it time and time again in every single mode. There are squids who never jump on the tower in Tower Control, and they lose every single time. The tower is not going to move if you look at it. You have to get on, it’s not optional. If you don’t Super Jump to the tower while your team is advancing, you are deciding not to get those extra few metres. If you retreat to your base to defend a “lead”, you are giving them a chance. You can not be a ninja and expect to win. In Turf Wars, you have to advance into the other side to claim over 50%. Being defensive is not optional because your little ninja corner is not enough. In Splat Zones, you can not squat in the zone and wait to be splatted. Everybody knows where you are. In Rainmaker, the Rainmaker is the centre of the map, not you. Defending your own position means you are a worthless teammate. That is why Team Ninja never had a chance.
With my voice aimed at the sky, I’m unleashing a shout out to my fellow barbarians. ST*Tots, Citrus#36, Monicake, Godoy, Jeromeeo, Nico, GalaxyRush, TwinBladeX, Nathan, Jenrick you all made me proud. Also a big shout out to Cushion?, who I know was fighting the good fight and is always a great warrior. Your fighting spirit shook the Miiverse and all your efforts are noted in the Splatfest history books.
ROOOOOOOOOAAAAARRR!!! After winning every single match I played, I am the Barbarian King. I don’t view this as an accomplishment, because I’ve been a Barbarian King from the very first game. The barbarian mindset is to always think you are the best, because you always are the best. You are always going to win and that is why you advance forward with confidence, and zero doubt. This Splatfest should have just been called Winners vs Losers, because there was a clear difference in attitudes displayed today. This inevitable result will hopefully send a message to the ninjas out there, that it’s time to be seen. Come out of the darkness and embrace your natural squid selves. When you are hiding, you are inviting negative emotions that don’t need to be there. The darkness is the only place problems can hide. When you stand proudly in the wind, all your burdens vanish because they know you’re untouchable. When nobody can see you, nobody can help you, nobody can fight for you, and us barbarians are just looking for good things to fight for.
I am victorious. I am a barbarian. I am myself.