Darksiders II – Death of the Wild

The universe is descending into chaos as the war between Heaven and Hell gets complicated. The Charred Council created The Four Horsemen, giving them the task of enforcing law and maintaining balance across multiple dimensions. Humanity emerges in a third dimension named Earth between Heaven and Hell, and this is where the real trouble begins. The very fabric of existence is threatened by screen tearing, as a videogame company named THQ threatens to publish the universe.


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Rhythm Thief – Pressing Buttons Through Paris

Are you ready, Fondue? *woof woof* We’ve got a game to review!


My father was a game reviewer. He would anonymously submit his writing to big magazines. Nobody ever knew who it was, but they all recognised his style and he became known as the Phantom Gamer. One day he mysteriously disappeared and stopped submitting, and I’m trying to solve the mystery by reading his old game reviews and looking for clues. He also left me this coin. I don’t know what it means yet, but I’m sure it’s the key to everything. To get into the museum holding my father’s old game reviews, I have to submit my own, so let me tell you all about Rhythm Thief on 3DS.

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Fire Emblem: Shadow Dragon – Land of the Rising Marth

Shadow Dragon is a remake of the very first Fire Emblem game and I’ve just played through it on the Virtual Console. That’s right, from the NES, to the DS, to the Wii U, this game has had a journey of its own. Being the first time one of the earlier Fire Emblem games has been released in English, this game presents classic gameplay with the original story of Marth and the kingdom of Altea. It has quite a simplistic gameplay-first approach without many bells and whistles, but the gameplay is very good and I absolutely fell in love with the design of the game.


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Fire Emblem: Awakening – On the Wrong Side of the Bed

After playing through Fire Emblem 7 and 8, my addiction has continued with Awakening. I’ve recently beaten it after one hell of a ride. This one however had many bumps. It’s a great game but I didn’t enjoy it nearly as much as the GBA games. My first mistake was playing on Hard mode, it was NOT worth it. It is not hard at all. The game cheats and trolls, to the point where it forces you to cheese the game and troll back. The balance of this game is all over the place, with a decently challenging first 10 chapters, a BRUTAL period shortly after, then an incredibly easy final 8 chapters. Obviously everyone’s going to see this differently, since different people die, level ups are random, and we all focus on different characters. However, I can only talk about my experience and it was bad.


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Never Alone – Every Game Is Alive

The Iñupiaq people of Northern Alaska might be the most hardcore gamers to walk this Earth. They create weapons out of the bare nothingness they find in the ice, and use them to hunt seals and birds. One such example is the Bola, a throwing weapon with weights on the ends of strings, made out of bones. They throw it upwards to catch birds, and can score combos by hitting one bird on the way up, then another on the way down. They sometimes even get a third as the birds fall onto each other. With such an opportunistic eye and advanced usage of motion controls, I bet they could get every medal in Star Fox Zero. Now switch that scenario around and put a hardcore gamer in a freezing climate, they would die within a week. The Iñupiaq spend their entire day grinding their survival skills and contributing to the community. They create parkas out of seal intestines and feathers, and sleds out of driftwood and bone. They’ve put thousands of years into this game called living.


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Star Fox Guard – Miyamoto Defense

Star Fox Guard is that “other” game that came out with Star Fox Zero, by a small Indie developer known as Shigeru Miyamoto. Previously known as Project Guard, it’s one of Miyamoto’s original ideas for the Wii U re-purposed into the Star Fox universe. As it turns out, Slippy’s uncle Grippy has been collecting minerals in space and he’s run into some trouble. I thought we’d never get to play this game, but miraculously it’s been finished and polished quite heavily. I’ve been playing the game a lot the past month and having a lot of fun playing every main mission, beating people’s levels online, and making my own. It’s very different to Zero because the control scheme is much simpler, all you do is scan through the cameras and shoot. Outside switching cameras on the touch screen and aiming them, it literally has one button. Every single button on the GamePad is the shoot button (even the dpad directions will shoot), and you’re going to need it.


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Star Fox Zero – You’re Improving, Fox!

It’s been a crazy few weeks. After my excited 5 hour impressions, I have 100% completed everything in Star Fox Zero. I have all 70 medals and have beaten all 19 paths in Arcade Mode. So has the excitement worn off? Fuck no. It has gotten better every time I’ve played, like I am ascending through the fighter pilot ranks. I’m now shooting things off-screen without even thinking about them. I’m casually dropping missiles below the TV for group combos. I’m flying through a giant robot’s legs and transforming while aimed upwards so I can land on a tiny platform above its butt to reprogram it before it turns around. This would not be possible without the new control scheme. I’m going to use this review to explain how this game is impossible without the Wii U, not because of “forced waggle” but because the level design takes advantage of it. There is a TON of brilliant design in this game that casual players (game journalists) will never see, and hardcore players NEED TO FUCKING KNOW ABOUT.


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Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones – Virtual Gold

Right after beating my first Fire Emblem game, I was so hyped and excited that I started Sacred Stones the very next day. With the two GBA Fire Emblem games sitting right next to each other on my Wii U menu, it just felt right and I was carrying enough energy from the first game to keep going. Despite a familiar game engine on the same system; a whole new cast, new maps, different enemy designs and a modified gameplay structure made Sacred Stones feel fresh and exciting immediately. I’ve just beaten this game after another 30 hour journey and I thought I’d write about the differences while both games are fresh in my mind. I won’t talk too much about gameplay specifics since that took up most of my Fire Emblem 7 writeup, but I will talk about what makes Sacred Stones a bit different and special.


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Fire Emblem (GBA) – Initiation

After 12 deaths, 30 hours, and enough regret to fill a vulnerary flask, I have just beaten my first Fire Emblem game. With the series being more popular than ever and a recent sale on the Virtual Console, I decided I would try and get into the series. I picked up the self-titled GBA game (known as Fire Emblem 7 in Japan) on the Wii U a month ago and fell in love with it. It clicked from the first few chapters and I enjoyed the emotional rollercoaster all the way to the end. I had initially dismissed this series as something I wouldn’t enjoy, a blunt tactics game driven by RPG grinding with a typical cliche anime story. To be quite honest, I didn’t understand it. As soon as I started playing this game, I felt a warmth of forgiveness. As it turns out the gameplay had a ton of depth and surprises waiting for me, and the wonderful story and characters made every aspect of the mechanics feel strong and important. After a full hearty playthrough of the game, let me tell you what Fire Emblem now means to me.


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Miitomo – Friend Simulator

Did you know that Daze had Pepperoni Pizza for dinner last night? Andrew got a SNES for his birthday with Super Mario World. Aaron just finished rewatching Rick and Morty and thinks everyone should watch it. The furthest place Tina has been to is Thailand. Joseph is admittedly quite bad at golf, but he’ll try it again one day. Can you believe that Holly has 8 siblings? Kaylo’s favourite thing about dogs is their compassionate nature. Brian just wants somebody to love him. Awww.


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The Legend of Midna: Twilight Picross

Exclusive to the My Nintendo rewards program comes a new chapter in the Zelda series. For hardcore Nintendo fans only, this game takes place in a dark timeline where Link dies and the player never continues the game. Midna gets bored of waiting, and starts carving out numbers on the spines of soldiers. “Hold still!” Midna insists, as the frightened guard screams in agony from the Twilight Realm. He can’t even see what Midna is doing, as she chuckles from the realm of light. Convinced he’s gone crazy, the guard kills himself with his spear, plunging it straight through his heart.

Aw, you ruined my puzzle!” laments Midna. The spear went right though some of the numbers, but it gave Midna an idea. “I could combine numbers and lines to make interesting pictures!” Hooray! Welcome to My Nintendo Picross.


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Yoshi’s Story – Virtual Happiness

Once upon a time there was a game called Yoshi’s Story on N64. Kids around the world were delighted with what they saw. The Yoshis were pursuing happiness, and trying their best. To have as much fun as possible, on their brave quest. All the young gamers had a great time. Adults too, couldn’t help but smile.

All was going great until the climate changed. The big bad internet said it’s not a good game. Without enough sequels to Yoshi games, the children of Yoshi grew up in disdain. Gamers looked down from mountains of dew, with bags of doritos to hide the truth. This article is here to remind you cunts, that Yoshi’s Story is a lot of fun.


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