As a leading trendsetter and self proclaimed hipster, I support independent artists in all fields before they sellout and become mainstream. The indie Humble Bundle is no different. Of course, a true connoisseur of gaming like myself bought the very first bundle which included the sublime World of Goo. I already owned World of Goo but it deserved more of my money. Now Humble Bundle V is out with a star studded lineup including Amnesia: The Dark Descent, the bigger budget version of Penumbra: Overture from the original bundle. In just ten hours they’ve already surpassed the money raised in the original bundle. This increasing popularity has a dark edge though, and I eluded to it the last time I promoted a Humble Bundle on this site.
Finally all the usual faggots are using it as an opportunity to promote their twitter accounts by donating obscene amounts. Must be nice to be Notch. Pietriots cannot afford such extravagance.
– Me, telling it like it is.
This year the self promotion has been hijacked by the vilest of all nerd: bronies. Bronies, a bastardised conjunction of ‘brother’ and ‘pony,’ are what the male, overweight and overage fans of the My Little Pony cartoon call themselves. Now, way back in the 00’s My Little Pony is something that emos might’ve watched, ironically. A show about magical pink ponies making friends aimed at five year old girls. Wouldn’t watching that be the last thing you expect? However the glorious 00’s are over and now we’ve entered the post ironic economy of the tween years. Bronies aren’t watching My Little Pony; ironically, they’re not watching it as a joke – they are watching it on purpose. This isn’t like Adventure Time, something awesome you watch stoned with your girlfriend, staying in on a Friday night. My Little Pony is insidiously weakening it’s audience by exposing them to ideas like peace, love, friendship and other ideals utterly incompatible with the cruel reality of modern society.
I don’t… get the point of them ‘banding together’ and their combined donation was still pretty low considering.
– Infernal Monkey, unimpressed with Humble Bronies.
While more sweet and naive Pietriots like my friend Infernal Monkey might wonder, I know the evil behind their actions. They’re doing it for attention. Why would someone draw attention to their embarrassing television habits? Because they’re straight up arseholes who want to feel special and unique. They want us to gawk because attention and misunderstanding is the only time they feel their miserable life of underachievement has any meaning. I know I’m playing straight into their hands by writing this piece but fuck it, they’re worthless maggots who are turning the Humble Bundle into their own little circle jerk. That’s not very humble at all! This self promotion is the opposite of humble! These disgusting, overgrown animal rapists only deserve our scorn, contempt, and to be publicly shamed as what they are; a bunch of filthy, degenerate, socially inept beastiality practitioners. They are even worse than redditors.
It gets worse – bronies are scamming the system. See, the Humble Bundle works by giving away a bonus game to anyone who pays above the average price. At the moment the average price is just $7.50 or thereabouts. That’s not much to you and me, but to your average brony, eternally unemployed, welfare cheques merely covering their fructose drink addiction, $7.50 is a lot of money, at least 4 bottles of Mountain Dew. So they all have to pool their loose change together and donate it in one go, to get over the average and acquire a copy of Bastian. The one copy of these DRM free games they purchase is then put on the brony web server, alongside child porn and pirated episodes of their rainbow unicorn cartoon. From here it’s distributed to all the other bronies. I don’t know how vast they are in number exactly, but I think it’s fair to assume that the $3000 they raised can be divided equally amoung the ~2,100 followers on their twitter account. I know they have more followers but I’ve deducted the innocent spambots and follow-backers among the bronies, brony enablers, and brony sympathisers. So that brings in an average donation of $1.43. As is said before, pocket change.
Because of bronies, the terrorists have already won.