The Pietriots Man of the Year is our annual award honouring individuals for their contribution to gaming drama during the calender year. Everyday gaming news tragics like me devour the latest corruption and sex scandals that engulf the gaming industry. It’s easy to get so caught up in the melodramatics that you lose the time to play games! Not that it matters though as many of this year’s nominees were more entertaining than the games they were invovled with. So without further ado, here are the nominees for the 2012 Pietriots Man of the Year.
Legendary computing figure and sex symbol Gabe ‘Gaben’ Newell earns his nomination by continuing to be a collosuss in the gaming industry. When Gabe Newell isn’t offering outrageously cheap games to poverty sticken PC gamers, he’s arousing them by valiantly standing up to his former employer and claiming they’re killing gaming. When Gabe Newell endorsed wearable computers early in the year, as much talk was about his luscious white beard as the no doubt fasionble wristwatches he’ll create. Much like 50 Shades of Grey character Christian, Gabe Newell is also a devilishly handsome billionaire with a reportedly huge cock. But enough about his looks. Gabe Newell’s finest hour this year was when he attacked Windows 8 for closing the PC platform. Sure any bastard can attack Windows 8 but Gabe Newell wrote Windows 3.1 himself, on his own, so he has the authority to throw stones.
Peter Molyeux / Peter Molydeux
What a year it has been for gaming’s biggest fan. March kicked it off when Peter announced that he would leave Lionhead and Microsoft to found the studio he was born to lead; 22Cans. Promising 22 stupid experiments, designed as games leading up to presumably a game based off what they’d learned. Meanwhile the faithful honoured his alter ego, Peter Molydeux by hosting a gamejam, where all games must embody the ideas outlined by the visionary dyslexic Englishman. Free from the restraints of Redmond, the real Molyeux attended the event. Since then Molyeux has been using the publicity arm of 22Cans (Eurogamer.net) to build hyperbole for Curiosity: What’s in the Cube, promising that the contents of the cube would change the life of the person who discovered it, presumably irreparably. When Curiosity eventually launched, featuring only half the features it was promised, gamers destroyed the Amiga being used as the game’s server merely by playing the game. Molyeux turned to the media yet again with a tearful apology, promising that all he really wanted was to be loved. For being a one man publicity machine and launching a co-operative chiseling game, Molyeux almost made us forget how bad Fable: The Journey was.
It takes a real man to write an article so good you lose your job over it. Robert Florence, or Rab as he sometimes likes to go by, used to freelance for Eurogamer when he wasn’t dressing in drag as a comedian. Eurogamer had to sack him though after Rab posted an editorial pointing out that Lauren Wainwright was a disgusting shill, paid by Square-Enix, and openly accepting bribes on her twitter acount. Europe’s socialist laws saw Lauren call the cops and Rab lose his job. It all started when journalists got together and congratulated each other at an awards show. Rab began to get suspicious sometime inbetween Eurogamer winning ‘Best coverage of a Peter Molyneux game’ and CVG winning ‘The Lara Croft Award for Friendly Public Relations’. Rab broke from game journalist tradition and did some investigating, his editorial eventually calling into question the ethics of all game journalists everywhere. But he named Wainwright and she was a bitch, so he lost his job. Special mention should also go to Robert Kuchera, who helped circulate the story and regain the credibility he lost after earlier in the year defending the fighting game community and giving David Jaffe the time of day.
Tim is nominated for revolutionising the way game development was funded this year. After crying about publishers for decades, Tim took to the internet to beg for money in return for one day making a point and click adventure game based on something. Luckily with his fine pedigree of making heavy metal inspired beat em ups and motion controlling the Cookie Monster, Tim saw his budget tripled sparking a flurry of interest in ‘kickstarting’ game development of niche titles. The crowd funding record Double Fine set has already been smashed multiple times already but for giving developers the impetus to bypass publishers Tim has changed the direction of the game industry.
Even though they’re the man of the year awards there’s no reason why girls can’t do things that silly boys do and I’m sure Anita would agree. Anita Sarkeesian is a real life girl who kicked a hornets nest by daring to suggest that games and game culture are drenched in misogyny. The backlash to her accusation was as so vicious that it automatically proved her thesis. Luckily though, only half of gaming hates women and blame feminism for the reason they can’t get a date, the other half of gaming put women on a pedastel and these white knights valiantly rallied to Anita’s cause, showering her with money to film a bunch of youtube videos that will point out just how objectified Lara Croft’s breasts really are. The best part about Anita though is that so far it appears that she’s taken the money and run, the video series was due three months ago and there hasn’t been a word since June. If Tim Shafer built Kickstarter, Anita killed it. What a man.
Perennial Man of the Year nominee and 5 time winner Reggie Fils-Aime is nominated for being Reggie Fils-Aime. His impact across the industry continues to amaze and even when he says outlandish statements, disparaged by the media, he is continually proved right. At least one analyst even put down Obama’s emphatic re-election to Reggie Fils-Aime’s appearance on late night talk shows spruiking his company’s new game box. Reggie even made sure that his new, family friendly entertainment box was released after the election, ensuring its consumers, by and large Democrats, wouldn’t be too distracted to vote. For helping to deliver Obama’s promised 1000 years of darkness Reggie looks set to become Man of the Year again.
If he just ran his incredible twitter account and nothing else, Hideki would’ve already done enough to be nominated for Man of the Year but it was his incredible trolling over the entire self described demographic ‘hardcore gamer’ by making his next game a Wii U exclusive that makes him a frontrunner. The sheer indifference Kamiya showed to the clowns protesting the decision showed he is a true man who stands by his conviction. For more you can read Pietriots’ intern Matto paying tribute to Hideki with his peerless article published earlier this year.
Much like a real life, right wing, old media magazine we stole this idea from, we’ll be taking a poll and then ignoring all your answers to announce our own man of the year. Vote and comment below!