Donkey Kong Control Rectology

The game is fine. Many “vocal” gamers are simply ape-shit awful players who’ve lost their quick-learning intellectual gamer edge over years of “soft” action games holding their hands thru non-challenges and waterfalls of rewards that celebrate their mediocrity. You have the displeasure of identifying them cuz they still go to the forums and blogs you go to and whine about “moving the controller” being something inexplicably difficult. “I just don’t get it,” one might say right before his 2,000 word essay (a waggle complaint; rather, his failure to waggle) used to exert the might of his lifelong gamer cred, the same cred that crumbled with his preceding statement.

Donkey Kong Country Returns uses a gesture for “rolling,” not waggle. A mildly firm, quick, short, downward tug of the Remote is all you need to execute the “roll” technique. NOT LEFT. NOT RIGHT. NOT UP & DOWN LIKE YOUR GREASY PRIVATE TIME WITH GT5‘s low-resolution car textures. Just Down. These gamers have been waggling up & down like frustrated chimpanzees becuz that’s what they are: hopeless primates, moreso than the depressed Donkey Kong who has to suffer these players’ input. If they can’t get this “roll” right (that probably has the most GENEROUS gesture sensitivity in the entire Wii library), they should just sell their Wii. They should’ve sold their Wii systems in 2007 right after Zelda: Toilet Princess, the last Zelda they deserve to play. After FOUR YEARS of pretending to be Nintendo fans this generation, they still can’t get waggle/waggle+ right (but Grandma can). They need to think hard about this one: might be time to give up gaming, or graduate to Kinect; same thing.

It’s also worth noting, vocal tardcore gamers, that DK is not Mario. DK is a lumpy, hulking, oversized platforming character that often attacks by specifically landing his feet on enemies, not his damn CHIN. He doesn’t have the plumbers’ posture, and he leans forward, like, all the time. DK’s always getting hurt cuz you’re a jackass who won’t be careful about his spacing. Protect his majestic FACE. The “normal” difficulty is fine, and up to the standards of “normal” found in more prosperous eras of gaming, well-removed from the default “casual” modes in Metroid Prime 3 and Twilight Abscess.

Protect his majestic FACE

12 thoughts on “Donkey Kong Control Rectology

  1. “It’s too hard” is the same reason people couldn’t find the depth in Jungle Beat. True players mastered that game and understood the combo system. We know where DK has been. Our fists are calloused, and we laugh in the face of standing platforming. One simple controller thrust? Try beating off at 60 bananas per second.

    I wonder how many people actually beat the Metroid Prime games.


  2. What if I get too excited from dominating that I start jumping around and roll off a cliff? Witnesses to my NSMBW technique have noted the spin-jump-off-the-edge-for-no-reason element of my playstyle.


  3. Let’s not forget about the particularly pathetic “hardcore” gamers who claim that POINTER controls are too hard. You know, the types that play a Wii FPS with the Classic controller because using the pointer is “tiring”. Unless you have a legitimate physical disability, any adult male that complains about getting tired from using the pointer should feel completely ashamed that they’ve let themselves get so out of shape. Not only WEAK at gaming, but at life, too.


    1. Good timing mentioning that. I’ve actually been writing a “feature” on that topic since the week before GoldenCraig Double-OMG’s release, but lacked a suitable place to share it (especially “that forum” lol awful rofls). Thus, our growing need for an improved interface prompted Mike to take the site to the next level. STUFF HAPPENED, and here we are, with more on the way.

      But before that, there’s a certain “wall” I need to rebuild/retrofit/renovate/resurrect.


      1. Glad to know The Wall will be making a triumphant return. Best “games journalism” I’ve seen in a long time. It was too good for… THAT place. Seeing the Serious Gamers over there react to it by pooping their pants with anger is pretty much what made me realize there was nothing salvageable left there.


  4. I’m feeling better about this game now. If I have a problem with the gesture I’ll stick around the first stage and… practice doing rolls. What a concept.


  5. My first 5min with the product was reading the manual. My next 5min with the product was testing the controls/mechanics in the banana cave at the very beginning of the game. I know, it’s too much to expect from Serious Gamers.


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