Canned Meat

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Wave Race: Blue Storm, F-Zero GX Videos

I remember when racing games had variety, racing that was out-of-this-world that they felt like adventures. N64 had Mario Kart SIXTY FOUR, Diddy Kong Racing, Beetle Adventure Racing, F-Zero X, Wave Race SIXTY FOUR, Ridge Racer Better than Usual, San Francisco Awesome Rush, Cruisin’ Bleh, and a few others not worth mentioning like Star Wars: Poo Racer. Nintendo GAMECUBE had Mario Kart 128, Wave Race: Blue Storm, F-Zero GX, Burnout 2, even 1080*: Avalanche, and I forget the rest. Wii has Mario Kart, F1 2009, Kart Racer, NASCAR Kart Racing, M&Ms Kart Racing, and Mario Kart. Right.

(video link at end of post)

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Microsoft Media Conference Summary

Well I took one for the team and opted to miss the first half of the Italy vs. Paraguay game to watch the Xbox E3 show something something thingy. Just bullet points because who can be bothered typing words?

  • Call of Duty: Black Ops opens show with compelling on-rails footage.
  • Microsoft executive Dorky Dad walks off 1993 family sitcom to take over the presentation.
  • Metal May Cry footage shown, Dorky Dad confirms PS3 port.
  • Gears of War 3 played on stage, 4 player co-op provides great opportunities for friendly fire
  • Halo Reach shown on stage.
  • Fable 3 shown on stage.
  • And that concludes the list of exclusive Xbox games.
  • Xbox misses opportunity to RickRoll millions of people and instead maliciously inflict Justin Bieber on the population.
  • Some girl’s joke falls flat as she talks to her sister while they co-operatively watch television.
  • Xbox announces new sports compatibility just in case your TV doesn’t work with sports.
  • Wanker reckons that since he’ll be sharing the stage with a child and a bunch of Asian girls it is appropriate for him to dress as a pimp.
  • Baby Tiger mauls and kills young boy named Milo.
  • Rare back to the best; completely emulating Nintendo.
  • Alleged Kart racing game forgets to include items.
  • E3 game of the show so far front-runner Kinect Adventures announced, demo completely ruined by irritating bitches.
  • Ubisoft successfully identify Wii Fit free market to exploit.
  • Harmonix show off incredible dancing game with ‘white male’ difficulty option.
  • Sonic game to curse Kinect launch.
  • Rebel Assault 3 announced.
  • Forza Kinect enables long sought after Quicktime VR emulation.
  • Dorky Dad wins over crowd with free Xbox Quiet, crowd temporarily forgets they already own an Xbox.

Well it was a fairly safe show from Xbox. At no point did they dare upset the crowd by revealing just how much Kinect would cost, only that it would launch in time for Xmas.

You Must Excuse Mike

Mike does not have the Wii. But Mike goes to GameStop a lot, and always plays the Wii demo unit for at least half of his visit. The GameStop employees can’t do anything about him, especially when Mike is “reviewing” a new Wii game, because he used to spend his entire visit bothering other customers. Something about recommending “UMD movies” then arguing how the customer’s son won’t get into college if they buy “that DS with those crappy dog games.”  I don’t know.

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I am SICK of this CASUAL BULLSHIT

All I ever hear these days is “casual this” “casual that” and they’re always talking about the same thing; Nintendo. There is NO SUCH THING as casual and hardcore, there is no distinction, you guys should shut up because no one is listening to your nonsense. What like Mario Kart is casual now? Didn’t anyone inform the guys slaving away for the continental time trial charts? Halo is hardcore? Why do I find people who know nothing about games know about Halo? Your distinctions are fucked. RPGs are hardcore? My Grandmother, who is arthritic and 84 years old LOVES RPGS because they don’t require any dexterity from her and she can just enjoy a fantasy epic. She plays them on her PS2.

‘Casual’ is just the new word losers use to malign Nintendo. They used to use the word ‘kiddy’, remember that? “Oh Nintendo is just kiddy crap, get a PS2 for real mature games where you shoot guys.” Of course they can’t use kiddy anymore now that their aunt owns a DS the television is saturated with advertisements marketing Wii at adults. Not the so called ‘mature,’ 15 year old boys, but directly to gen X and baby boomers. ‘Casual’ is the new ‘kiddy’, just like ‘mature’ was superseded by ‘hardcore.’ But there is an actual word that all these clowns mean when they say hardcore or casual or mature; ‘Cool’ and ‘Uncool’. That’s what you mean. Wii Play is ‘uncool’.

The real question is; why dont the idiot legions of the internet, the soldiers in the trenches of the console wars use the words cool and uncool? Because deep down, they know they’re losers and there is nothing cool whatsoever about video games. The guy talking at a party about Fallout 3 isn’t the life of it. Guitar Hero champions aren’t going to be doing ads for Pepsi. And now they’re threatened because actual cool people are getting into games, casual games.

The PATHETIC State of the Gaming ‘Media’

This is basically about reviews, I was going to make it about how it sucks as a whole, but it got too depressing. We all know that Gamespot / IGN / 1up etc. all offer completely terrible reviews, have crap staff, and just plain embarrass themselves on a daily basis in almost every “opinion” piece they put up. But I came across this review and had to say something.

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OUTTA THE WAY DICKHEADS! Gran Turismo is here to save the next gen!

Oh man can you believe there are skeptics out there who doubt the revolutionary power of PS3’s Cell™ chip to change the way we think about games? I mean no game is a better showcase for Sony systems than Gran fucking Turismo, right? They haven’t even put gameplay into the previous four releases ensuring they totally focus on the graphics and hasn’t it shown?

Personally, I’m glad Polyphony Digital took the brave step of removing cars from the latest version of the game, which is also the first version of the game but now in HD! Genius. And don’t the latest screenshots just affirm this as the correct course of action? I’ve annotated all the new features of the game in case you’re an idiot who can’t see them from the crystal clear high definition screen capture. It’s fidelity is so high, in fact, that we can’t even contain it in our tiny column-based blog!

Gaming will be fun again!

I can’t wait.

Controlling Shooters on Revolution: A Bluepaper

Ok. It all came to me in a rush so it could be a bit blah but here it is.

Revolution’s controller is going to revolutionise first person shooters more than we initially think. The genre has been dying all over again, having to resort to horror themes and generally making everything bigger and longer to improve itself. When people get excited over the ability to hold two different pistols at the same time you know we’re heading towards a brick wall.

Everyone’s already thought about simply aiming with the controller by tilting, as we would a mouse or second analogue stick. I propose however that with the revolution controller FPS games can move beyond that, beyond even what light guns offer, and offer true realism in handling firearms as done in real life. I’m talking blind shooting, shooting around corners, behind ourselves, over objects.

So far. Most people have accepted the obvious idea, to simply map the motion sensor as you would a mouse or right thumbstick. To look up and down and turn left or right. To aim. You gun remains shooting towards the middle of the screen.

I believe this to be a flawed approach. If you consider turning in the keyboard/mouse setup. You move the mouse towards the desired direction then lift it off the surface and back to your central position. If you do not do this and move back to centre, your character does the same, facing the original direction. When you apply this to a motion sensor, should the motion sensor be on at all time, we have no way to ‘cancel’ our movements as we can a mouse by lifting it. Therefore when we turn around a corner in a game we would have to hold the controller or our whole arm at 90° until we face our initial direction again. I dread to think of the difficulties we’de face holding our controller backwards, pointing away from the screen, should we ever need to backtrack. Because of this I suggest my own scheme.

Detachable Thumbstick
Move forward and back and turn left or right. *

Motion sensor.
Moving the ‘remote’ left and right across a horizontal plane to reach left or right.
Tilting the ‘remote’ up down, twists left and right to aim.
Moving the ‘remote’ up and down to raise and lower your gun.

Crosspad
Left and right: to strafe. Up and down to look up or down*

Under my scheme, we wield the controller as we would a real firearm. My approach  intergrates the precision aiming of lightgun games and the player controlled movement of traditional first person shooters. But it takes it up another notch.

Imagine a situation we’re you’re taking cover behind a wall. Around the corner to your left, enemies are opening fire, awaiting for you to appear. In a traditional FPS you would have to move out into the open and take out the gunmen while standing in the way of their gunfire. But now, with revolution, you could just edge up with your back pressed against the wall. Then at the corner. Reach around, moving the controller around your shoulder, and just firing. In person you would be holding the controller behind you, pressing the B trigger. In the game your character would we shooting blindly into the room, with only their arm exposed. Maybe you might be lucky, but if not you can still just swing around and run in firing at enemies as you would a light game game.

But there’s much more you could do. Taking cover behind a crate you could raise your arm to shoot over the top, or failing that, lob a grenade, simulating a throwing action with your arm, pressing the trigger to release the explosive. In multiplayer while running past an open doorway you could fire into it, just incase you hit someone, while not breaking stride or changing direction.

In case you just skipped all this or didn’t understand. To put it simply, in shooters, you should use the motion sensor to replicate the movements of the characters arm. Use the crosspad and thumbstick to take care of his feet and head.

*I say this because I’m used to the “Goldeneye” setup. For those who want to strafe with the thumbstick or walk with the cosspad it really doesn’t matter, they could map it like that. I just find speed and precision in turning to be more important than strafeing.

Fuck the Nokia N-Gage

There is nothing engaging abut the N-Gage. Seriously, fuck this sideways taco phone. $600 bucks? Are you fucking shitting me, Nokia? I’m hating their ads the most though. Lucky they’re just way too easy to make fun of.

One of the shittier websites I sometimes visit incorporated the N-Gage into their entire layout.

And they’ve got their fucken social website for whatever where you have to post a picture of yourself with your N-Gage. God, if I ever see someone with an N-Gage in real life I will just outright laugh at them. Fucking morons.