Doom Eternal – Always Offline

This game was recommended to me by Isabelle while we were chatting in the Town Hall. She said she spent the weekend “ripping and tearing” and when I noticed that my town’s weeds were still there, I asked her what she meant. “Doom Eternal, it’s pretty hype”. Oh okay, thanks for the recommendation Isabelle. I can’t believe I hadn’t played it yet, she said it was one of the biggest games of the year so far. I got my hands on an Xbox copy and I was excited to finally start the game up. However, that excitement quickly turned to confusion.

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Borderlands Prime 3 – Guns, Love & Tentacles

Pull up a chair and let me tell you a story.

After losing everything at the casino, I’ve started a brand new life. My character Zane was maxed out to lvl57, with nowhere left to go. I received a wedding invitation in the mail to remind me of what’s important. Love! Hammerlock and Wainwright were getting married and wanted their favourite vault hunter to do the honours. Fresh with inspiration, I made a brand new character, FL4K. I’m still the same person, I just look and talk like a robotic slayer now. I’ve also got a pet Skag! He’s a good boy and sometimes coughs up extra ammo.

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Deadly Premonition – Sequel in the Coffee

Can you believe it, Zach? Deadly Premonition is getting a sequel. Not only that, but the first game has been revived on Nintendo Switch. I was a huge fan of the original 10 years ago, and this was perhaps the most shocking announcement I’ve ever seen in a Nintendo Direct. I had accepted the game as a one-of thing, and never even considered a sequel after the director had moved on. I should have known, Zach. Directors never move on. The coffee warned me about this.


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Moxxi’s Heist of the Handsome Jackpot – Blow Up The Pokies

If you think being in lockdown for a few months is bad, try 7 years. Now imagine you are locked in a casino. Someone has come to bail you out, but it’s too late. You’ve become a bitter, twisted, addicted, Borderlands enemy.

It’s not all bad. Meet “All-in” Alan, he’s having the time of his life. “7 years? I didn’t even notice! My big win is just around the corner!”. As long as he has his optimism, he’s winning on the inside.

Moxxi’s Heist of the Handsome Jackpot is the first paid DLC released for Borderlands 3, and just like a real casino, there’s a lot going on behind the scenes. You’re also not going to get your money back. It was hard to understand the angle of this before playing it, but it starts to make sense when you get there. This casino is so big, it exists as its own planetary structure floating in space by itself. The owner is missing in action and security protocols have come into effect, locking people inside for the last 7 years with no way out. Many events have unfolded in those years so you’re not just “going to a casino” in this campaign, but discovering an entire civilization of depraved casino dwellers.

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Tonight We Riot – The Official Game of Antifa

Developed by the worker owned cooperative Pixel Pushers Union 512, Tonight We Riot is a side scrolling crowd brawler with a retro-anarcho-communist aesthetic. Set in 20XX, Tonight We Riot depicts a society at breaking point under the oppression of capitalism, with the working masses living precarious lives in service of the capitalist owners whose power is entrenched through owning the media and political institutions. So pretty much like right now, without the global pandemic.

Before we go on, a big trigger warning for any reactionary readers we might have who prefer their video games to not contain politics; Tonight We Riot is unashamedly political, featuring not only women but people who are not white too.

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“Nintendo Insiders” Are Idiots and You Need To Stop Paying Attention To Them

Well, something interesting just got revealed from an ex-Retro Studios concept artist. Here is what they are. I’d say the art looks good, but the concept wasn’t good enough for Nintendo to put down money. This of course leads to concern trolling Nintendo insiders being what I call “Cancel Grievers”, meaning they concern troll Nintendo’s operations of it’s developers because of could’ve been projects that we hardly knew anything about. Continue reading ““Nintendo Insiders” Are Idiots and You Need To Stop Paying Attention To Them”

Borderlands 3 – Revenge of the 80s

The Cartel has arrived to take over Borderlands 3, with the mandatory lock-down requirements of 80s synth music, sports cars and golden toilets.

You’re still gonna need your own toilet paper, though. Everyone here wipes their arse with money.

Revenge of the Cartels is a free event for Borderlands 3 that runs from April 23 to June 4. It’s a rather short romp but offers impressive production values, with a new area, new enemies and new music. It takes place in a villa-style mansion suspended above a giant waterfall and surrounded by an immense natural landscape where dinosaurs wouldn’t look out of place. Continue reading “Borderlands 3 – Revenge of the 80s”

Resident Evil Resistance – Itchy. Tasty. Laggy.

“These f’**k noobs are gonna get us all killed.” – wiseguy69

That was the first thing I heard when I played Resident Evil Resistance. First week of its release, two of us were level 1 in our first game, someone was level 3, and this one person with voice chat was level 7. None of us had a clue what was going on, and this level 7 expert was constantly whining instead of helping. Needless to say, we all died and nobody enjoyed it. Welcome to Resident Evil Online.

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Picross S4 – Rainbow Revolution

A new dimension has opened up in my mind, and it’s consuming everything I once knew. An entire spectrum is threatening the comfort zone of certainty that regular Picross has spent years establishing. There are no breaks anymore, no stops, only different colours. The road doesn’t end, it only changes. A simple yes or no question has now become an open essay. Life will never be the same.

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Gato Roboto – Meowtroid Zero Kitten

What if Metroid was a cat? You would finally be able to crawl. It would also be a completely different game with different level design, different movement options and Nintendo probably would have chosen Yoshi to star in the game instead. Hmmm, that wouldn’t be such a bad timeline. We would have a whole genre of Yoshivanias. Moving on from this alternative past, we have a brand new Indie game called Gato Roboto with a similar aesthetic to the original Metroid on NES. You could argue it’s even more ancient as it lacks a full colour palette. However, once you start playing this game it comes to life and impresses with modern movement and design.

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Animal Crossing Cool Beats: New Horizons, Classic Tunes

Those industry fat cats want to charge big bucks for their tunes, but I think music should be free man. I’ve been making a few tunes to see what works in this thing, and thought I’d share. For ease of use I’ve put a separate sound clip, followed by an image of the notes you can input yourself. Enjoy the freedom. No likes, favs, subscribes or divides here man. This is all about sharing the vibe.

Keep in mind there are limitations of the Town Composer, it doesn’t have sharp notes so some things have gotta be in different keys. Still, a bit of compromise can get most songs in a recognisable state. You just gotta take what life throws at you man. How do you get these? There’s no password or online sharing unfortunately, but it’s very easy to just copy the notes yourself. Talk to Isabelle in the Town Hall and just move the notes up and down until you get what you want. If you don’t have the Town Hall yet then keep playing and come back to this later! Music always waits for you, so you can wait for it.

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Resident Evil 3 – Nemesis Never Left

Some would argue this game shouldn’t have been remade, citing it as the “worst Resident Evil game”, but I think that is the perfect reason to remake it. It’s finally getting some justice! I’ve played Resident Evil 3 before and the unique thing about it to me, was always the environments and the perspective from an event happening to you while you’re in the middle of the city. Almost every other Resident Evil involves the main characters purposefully heading into a dangerous situation, but this one takes you by surprise. The city is being torn apart by chaos, and someone wants you dead. Yes YOU, specifically.

In this remake, the destruction and simultaneous beauty of Raccoon City is more evident than ever before, and that’s why I think it was worth remaking. It provides an absolutely stunning spectacle, with the best graphics imaginable with more control over the gameplay than ever.

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Staying Fresh in Quarantine!

When you’re stuck inside there’s always a risk of getting bored or falling into bad habits. Right now we’re lucky to have a brand new Animal Crossing game to keep us busy, but there are certain things your body and mind need to stay happy while you are isolated. Your body needs to move around, your brain needs stimulation, and you need to feel connected. I’m going to give suggestions on how to keep things fresh and stay off the hook. This is purely from a gaming perspective. Of course you can exercise and read books as well, but if you’re here then there’s a good chance that gaming is a rewarding part of your life. Instead of getting burnt out, this could be a great time to get even more joy out of it.

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All That Remains

During a decluttering phase in 2018 I found a deal that seemed too good to be true. A New Zealand based online store, Fishpond, would stock, advertise and sell my used games and give me a portion of the revenue. All I had to do would be post a box full of stock to them, they’d even cover postage and just take the costs from my first $15 of revenue. So a found a Hello Fresh box, filled it with almost all my remaining DS games, half my Wii collection, piles of DVDs and posted it to Auckland 5000kms away. The scheme was too good to be true and after 18 months, Fishpond emailed me to say that they were shutting it down and offered to post me back my remaining stock for the cost of postage. The DVDs could stay, but I asked for my games back. And then the world as we know it ended.

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