The Starship Damrey – Exploring the cold, silent corner of the eShop

The first game in the Guild 02 series is here, and it’s quite a perplexing one. The Starship Damrey is a game that works best when you have no idea what to expect, making this review very pointless and counter-intuitive to your enjoyment. Nonetheless, instead of saying “go and buy it” and running off into the mist, I’m here to explain why it might be worth your time. If you’re already planning on playing it, stop reading here.

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Runner 2 – Don’t Stop

Commander Video is BACK, and since his WiiWare debut he hasn’t stopped running, making his way through every console, handheld and PC in sight. This review has me a bit nostalgic because BIT.TRIP RUNNER was one of the first games I reviewed for Pietriots, back when we had a brown background, no Twitter account and reviews didn’t have catchy subtitles. Like Pietriots, Runner has evolved its graphics to include more colours and detail, a better font, and triumphantly sports the ridiculous subtitle of Future Legend of Rhythm Alien.

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Resident Evil Revelations HD – Wii U Demo Impressions

Capcom just released a demo of Resident Evil Revelations on Wii U (roughly 600mb) and I jumped on it. I’m a huge fan of the 3DS game, it was so good I think it should have been called Resident Evil 6. The thought of a more polished version of the game with Wii U features is a very juicy one indeed, it’s been far too long since the last good Resident Evil home console game. First impressions were good, and by first impressions I mean the title screen. Hearing the excellent atmospheric music over my TV speakers sent chills down my spine. My body was ready to enjoy 32 inches of Jill and Parker.

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Nano Assault EX – Is Your 3DS Ready?

After enjoying an obsessive amount of Nano Assault Neo on Wii U, I’ve been eagerly awaiting the Australian release of Nano Assault EX on 3DS. It still hasn’t come out but that turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I’ve taken the plunge into the unknown, changing my identity to discover the joys of the UK eShop. It’s a simple as switching your 3DS region setting and it really is a joy to browse, there’s about 100 DSiWare games here I’ve never heard of because they didn’t make it past the expensive Australian rating system. Anyway, Nano Assault EX was my first multi-region download and my 3DS wasn’t ready for this explosion of awesome.

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Disproving the “Retail vs Digital” conspiracy theory

Lately we’ve seen some stock issues with key Nintendo games all around the world, including Monster Hunter in Europe, Fire Emblem and Lego City in the USA, and now Luigi’s Mansion is becoming difficult to obtain in the Year of Buying Luigi Games. Rather than being an indication that these games are selling well, it’s led to conspiracy theories that Nintendo’s short shipping games on purpose in some evil scheme to “force” the eShop on us. This seems to happen every time a Nintendo product sells well, going back to the Wii and DS days where Nintendo created “artificial shortages” for the fastest selling systems in history at the time. While I think limiting the sales potential of a product has some great upsides, it’s certainly not part of Nintendo’s plan.

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Splash or Crash (Kersploosh!) – Toilet Simulator

Splash or Crash has just hit the eShop in Europe and Australia and for some reason this is another game Nintendo of Europe and America could not agree on. Determined not to make a recognisable franchise out of this, they’ve given it separate names to confuse people around the world (much like Pullblox / Pushmo / Fallblox / Crashmo). It’s $3.90 AU so I bought it not expecting too much, and I still found it underwhelming. You control a stone that drops down a well and the goal is to avoid obstacles and fall to the bottom as fast as possible, like a failing third party publisher grabbing for an excuse.

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Tokyo Crash Mobs – Outta My Way, Hipsters!

Ever been standing in a line and somebody pushes in? Of course you have. Someone up near the front is calling out to their friends, it’s a group of three. Sure guys, nobody will mind! Anger enters your bloodstream and you yell out, but the people are too far up the line to hear it. Or they ignore it. The frustration starts to boil, but you risk losing your spot in the line if you approach them. They are approaching the line quickly, you have to do something! In a swift act of bravery, you pick up the person in front of you and throw them forward, knocking the line-cutters over like bowling pins and restoring peace and fairness to the line. Tokyo Crash Mobs brings this fantasy to life and it’s as fun as it sounds.

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escapeVektor (3DS) – Brilliant, Simple, Addictive

Vektor is a strange little guy. Last year he got himself trapped inside a CPU in escapeVektor Chapter 1 and he’s been stuck there ever since. Realising that WiiWare has no more exits or answers, he’s made his way to the eShop on 3DS to get people’s attention. He’s brought with him some new abilities, online leaderboards and tons of new levels. Will you answer Vektor’s cry?

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Gunman Clive – 2 dollars, 2 paragraphs

It’s been an interesting week on the 3DS eShop, and for the first time in almost a month I’ve played another system more than Wii U. 3DS has reminded me how amazing it is, with escapeVektor, Gunman Clive and New SMB 2 DLC assaulting the eShop this week. Americans can also finally stop bitching about not having Wario Land II. I’m going to write about Gunman Clive first because I’ve already finished it (I’ll probably never finish The Impossible Pack in New SMB 2). Basically it’s a 2d platformer with short levels, a solid physics engine, and a good western vibe. Jumping, running and shooting are all simple and responsive, the music is catchy and the 3D effect is amazing.

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It’s an iOS port as you can see (*groan*), but thankfully 3DS has real buttons so the screen isn’t obscured like this picture. It has its fair share of glitches, once I had a sound loop go forever; even quitting back to the menu left bullet sounds repeating through the speakers. Bizarrely my 3DS completely shut off during one of the boss fights too. One other thing that annoys me is that enemies re-spawn about 5 seconds after you kill them, I’m not sure if this is intentional but it’s annoying if you just want to take your time. It’s a decent game with some problems, but is it worth it? It’s worth it just for the boss battles, but there’s 16 levels of platforming thrown in-between. Levels are short (30 to 90 seconds without dying), but it uses a lot of different physics and objects (by a lot I mean as much as any other game) and doesn’t dwell on a new idea for very long. Boss Battles give you a few simple patterns to learn and they look pretty awesome. Gunman Clive is very short but good fun and has a few surprises. If you have an awkward amount of money left on your eShop account like $3.10 then it’s worth buying.

Nano Assault Neo – 50mb of Sex

When Shin’en announced they were making a Wii U game, there was a small eruption in my pants. Technical wizards of DS and WiiWare, these guys know how to maximize hardware like nobody else in the business. They could probably port F-Zero to a pocket calculator if you dared them too, at 60 FPS. While I knew they were up to the task of a launch game, I did not think it would be this good.

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Tetris sure knows how to throw the loneliest parties

Well, it’s official – I am a filthy casual kiddy grandma gimmick gamer, intent on ruining the secret underground club of hardcore. Thanks to the 3DS’ heavenly OCD ability to keep track of absolutely everything you play, it turns out I’ve put just a bit of time into Hudson’s humble little DSiWare title Tetris Party Live.

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SpeedX 3D – Not quite a 64-bit review

Hey, remember how at least 147% of all games released on the DSiWare service were stupidly overpriced ports of 99c iPhone games with less content and options? Prooobably not if you owned an Australian system, since no DSiWare games were ever released for it here. None. Never. Especially not the few that were. But enough about e-racism, SpeedX 3D is here for your 3DS! It’s one of those iPhone ports you know and shrug, but now in glorious three dee. Two more dimensions? Seven thousand times the price. Now the math(s) works. Atari’s marketing department would be proud.


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Decathlon 2012 – Running at three frames per 100 metres

“Sweet moves, Beef McGravy!”
“Thanks, coach! It was all thanks to your constant harassment and sharp-edged threats that I’m here today, competing for my country in the Olympics.”
“The what – the what did you say?! I’ll cut’cha with my axe! This is the Decathlon 2012, son! Go for bronze!”
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