It’s a debate that’s raged for centuries. Wars have been fought over it. Entire civilisations have fallen. Since the dawn of time, squids have fought over whether or not pineapple belongs on pizza. That’s right, the age old question. Does pineapple belong on pizza? Ancient drawings from million year old squid civilisations depict a pizza with the pineapple being removed. Some say this proves it’s not an ingredient, others suggest the pineapple is being removed during the act of eating, and therefore part of the pizza. Pro-Pineapple Propaganda suggests it’s not even a true relic, but the work of Squid Satan. The true purpose of the pineapple remains a mystery, and this unanswered question has been responsible for untold bloodshed and inkloss throughout history. Today, it’s finally going to be answered in the most definitive way possible; a Splatfest.
I’ve joined team Anti-Pineapple because I am Pro-Freedom. “Pro-Pineapple” is founded on a lie, that pineapple has no place other than pizza. Pineapple should not be restricted to pizza, but have the right to be placed where ever is most convenient or appropriate. I believe the Squid Elders would have it no other way, and today, I will fight for that belief with a Splattershot in my hand, and pineapple juice in my blood. I am fighting for freedom.
The board was ominious and confusing. What does it all mean? A few drawings of pineapples, some people who like fruit, and general confusion over the origin of language, and topical ingredients as a whole. It felt like the sky was a pizza with sauce dripping down, and I couldn’t tell if it was real tomato or food colouring. As squids wandered around the plaza questioning their very existence, my mind was set on the cause. I had to prove to every squid that there were more uses for pineapple than pizza. Inkopolis must be liberated from this linear thinking.
The fate of the pineapple was not to be determined by drawings, but through war. Turf Wars, thousands of them. I could hear splats in the distance, and I just hoped it was Team Anti-Pineapple getting the kills. As I began to walk around the plaza, I felt a surge of confidence from other Inklings evident lack of motivation. There was a lot of debate going on about the placement of pineapple, but I knew exactly why I was here. This sense of purpose would help me triumph in battle. However, not even the freshest squid can win a war by themselves, so let’s go and see what the other Inklings are up to.
Jett here likes pineapples, and you’d be forgiven for thinking he was on the Pro-Pineapple side. He is in fact Pro-Pineapple, but not on pizza. His smile and exclamation marks represent happiness and freedom, and this is not the result of a pineapple on pizza. A pizza is nothing but a prison for pineapples, forced to co-exist with lifeless carb-injected dough and ham that’s been left out for days. That’s prison food and pineapples do not belong there, they haven’t done anything wrong. I look forward to fighting by your side, Jett. For the pineapple’s happiness.
Abrosis here is fighting to stop pineapple cruelty. Every time a pineapple is placed on pizza it cries out for help. People think this is just pineapple juice, but it is in fact the tears of the pineapple. When pineapples try to cry in the oven, their tears evaporate from the inside. This kind of torture will not be tolerated from today onward.
Andrew here hates pineapples so much he could not hold his ink straight when writing this. Pure rage, but you have to wonder why. He was on my team, but for a different reason. It was an interesting conundrum, but quite honestly I could use all the help I could get. His anger would be an asset to any team and once the pineapples are liberated, he might like them a bit more when they aren’t covered in “disgusting” pizza. He was fighting for the right cause, he just didn’t know it yet.
I was now fired up and ready for action. First stage was Kelp Dome, great stuff. Nobody forces kelp on pizza, it spreads itself across a variety of dishes and sushi. If we are victorious then one day I hope there will be a Pineapple Dome, where they can grow freely and stay fresh.
I was matched with Dominic, R*Leo and CPULvl1. Wow, I remembered CPULvl1 from the Dogs vs Cats Splatfest!! We clearly have like-minds so I was feeling good already. After a welcoming “Nice!” at the start we were off. I had a good feeling about this team as we all spread in different directions. I headed for the middle to get a good view of enemy squids. Two of them coming down the side, BAM!! I surprised one but the other one killed me. Not a big deal as long as we retain half the map. I glanced at the GamePad map, and it was a close one all throughout the match. Splats were exchanged and I got some mighty Inkzooka shots up on the grates. Put THAT on your pizza!! YEEEAAAHH!!
Time was ticking down and it was still close, there was nobody around so I just focused on the turf. Their pineapple-coloured ink made me picture the ground as a pizza, and I got angry at the thought of pineapple being placed on the ground and painted it blue. The blue represents a big ocean where the pineapple can go wherever it wants, and I was spraying freedom everywhere.
10 seconds! 5-4-3-2-1… it was too close to tell. We had a big section in the middle but they had the sides. You just never know until the fat cat speaks. Dun dun dun…..
I got on my hands and knees and cried. Utter devastation. We fought hard and we still got trounced, like pineapples slammed on a pizza. This simply wasn’t good enough. I had to figure out a new approach and get my head in the game. I was clouded by freedom, when I had to toughen up my skin like a pineapple and think about the game at hand. Regret was sprouting out of my head like pineapple leaves. It was so difficult to gain my composure when so much was at stake. The scary thing here was that we fought well, with an aggressive amount of kills and turf claimed. The Pro-Pineapple Pizza Squads really meant business, and it has quickly become apparent they planned this all along. Their indifference in the plaza was nothing but a ruse. Their words filled with fake intent, like the ingredients of a fast-food pizza. Pineapples deserved better than this. Sure, it could just be beginner’s bad luck, but I wasn’t going to take any chances with the freedom of pineapples at stake.
The Museum might hold some answers. I had to clear my head and I thought a nice appreciative stroll alone would be a good way to do that. I wanted to feel like a pineapple. I let the juices in me flow. The Museum has such an eerie ambiance at night, I felt like an intruder after dark. It was calming. The artists there didn’t mind as I gazed upon some interesting artwork. Not sure what this one is meant to be, possibly the ghost of a pineapple. The thought filled me with terror and reminded me of where I should be, on the battlefield. Fighting. I was here to focus, and you know what? I did nothing wrong in the last match. I just had to get out there and keep fighting as many matches as I could. It was going to be hard, but I was ready to try again. My resolve was prickly.
Back in with a new team, and I noticed AR*Leo was back. Looks like he must have left and gone to reflect as well, we both said “Nice!“‘ at the start in acknowledgement and I knew this match would be different. I could see the look in his eye. It reminded me of a pineapple that had just fallen from a tree. It felt like our whole team was part of a beautiful salad as we started kicking arse right off the bat. It was nice to immediately return to Kelp Dome for some redemption. BAM!! SPLAT!! VICTORY!!
Team Anti-Pineapple was back on the map and the pineapples were coming OFF the pizza! This was the beginning of a dominating streak, win after win at the Mall, Museum and Kelp Dome.
Then the unthinkable happened. Something nobody was ready for. We were matched against… ourselves. Like different pineapples meeting each other on the same pizza, we faced off against our own freedom. It posed some hard philosophical questions. Does Anti-Pineapple vs Anti-Pineapple mean we are Pro-Pineapple on the pizza? Is it still a fight, if both teams want freedom? I took this match as an opportunity just to show how serious we were, and hopefully instill a bit of confidence in the other team that there are more of us out there. We all got stronger and more prickly after this battle.
After many hard splats I feel like a freshly squeezed fruit. I gave it everything. I have to give a shout-out to other fellow freedom fighters Alex, J-Cutter, Louis, luffy, vale, lik, Matteo, kavine, Arianna, Cece. You all had my back and did great things out there. The pineapples will look back on these battles, and tell these stories to their pineapple children. Special shout-out to Rose for squid dancing like a pro and celebrating freedom with every splat. Another special shout-out to Enola who fell in the water in the Museum and said “Nice!“, immersing herself in the life of a pineapple. And finally, shout-out to all the pineapples who struggle with pizza placement every day.
I am now the Anti-Pineapple King, yet I love pineapples more than ever.
This title doesn’t mean much to me, as pride is simply not important today. This Splatfest isn’t about me or any other Inkling, it’s about the pineapples. The results of this Splatfest could change the world. Pineapple liberation could bring about world peace once people realise they can go anywhere. While we wait for the results, I suggest throwing that pizza away and getting fresh. There’s nothing more fresh than a pineapple.