I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was
To splat them is my real test, to claim the turf wars
I will travel across the ink, letting off inkstrikes
Teach Pokemon to understand, the freshness that’s insiiiiiiiiiide
POKEMON, GOTTA SPLAT THEM ALL!!
Yeah!! The humans may have been useless, dumb and weak, but they had some pretty fresh entertainment in their day. Pokemon Blue and Red are popular videogames of their era that have recently gained popularity in the retro scene of Inkopolis. These games are not quite as impressive as Squid Jump or Squid Racer, but they have their own charm that has attracted large numbers of Inklings to the arcades. Even though the humans who made these games were wiped out, cartridges were found washed up on shores and we’ve managed to recreate the highly complex arcade cabinets that would have played these games. Inklings have been training Pokemon to stay fresh, with battling and trading becoming common place as Blue and Red trainers help each other complete their Pokedex. Today however, we are fighting for our favourite version and the only thing that will be traded is turf.
I have gone with Pokemon Blue. I have a lot of reasons with the first being the obvious strength of Blastoise. I have done a lot of research on this Pokemon game and Blastoise is a water type, which is super effective against Charizard, the fire type on the box of Pokemon Red. It means it does twice the amount of damage (I’m an expert), and that’s what I intend to do in these Turf Wars. There’s also another, more personal reason. I have my own Pokemon Blue cartridge that I found on the sand when I was a wee Inkling. It was the first piece of gear I ever owned for myself, and back then I didn’t even know what it did. To see these advanced arcade machines built just so we can play them was a dream come true. When I used my own cartridge on a machine for the first time, I saw the filename “Chris”. Being SuperChris, I felt an obvious attachment to this person and feel a duty to represent them in this Splatfest. It’s almost like that’s who I’d be if I was a human. Their Pokedex was complete and they had a lot of high level Pokemon. I’m not sure what purpose this level 100 Metapod serves, but we don’t fully understand the meta-game yet. Nevertheless, this high level play on my cartridge was a clear sign that Pokemon Blue would be the top team in this Splatfest.
Enough nostalgia, it’s time to get ready for battle. Pokemon was a very new phenomenon in Inkopolis and everyone was extremely hyped. This might be the most populated and vocal Splatfest yet. It’s interesting how such a politically world-changing event like liberating the pineapples can have a smaller turnout than a videogame debate. I suppose Inklings have to stay fresh and Pokemon was the current way to do that.
The arcade was the hottest place in Inkopolis right now so that was my first stop. I was a bit shocked to see all this Red support. Did they have their own legendary Pokemon trainer like Chris? I highly doubt it. It seems like they just love the colour red. I transformed into Wartortle on the spot to counter all this red fandom and used Skull Bash on the tree. Some Oddish fell out and ran away, they already knew they were going to lose. Let’s talk to some Pokemon Trainers now.
Hello Blastoise! This Inkling was attached to Pokemon Blue by their very name, not to mention a magnificent drawing of the great beast. Blahizards was a good way to describe that generic dragon Pokemon too, it had no chance against a water type and Inklings on Team Red obviously haven’t thought this through. Blastoise here is fully dedicated and bound to be a fierce warrior on the battlefield.
Here we have Gus who is wearing a Team Red shirt, but obviously hasn’t played that version at all. Bulbasaur has nothing to do with this, mate. Your pathetic cry for a Yeah + Follow also shows how desperate you are. This Splatfest isn’t about you, it’s about Pokemon Red and Pokemon Blue. I can see you being a very unreliable team-mate for Team Red and I look forward to splatting everyone who super jumps to you. I hope other members of Team Red flame that Bulbasaur of yours, for your sake. I would send my Vulpix after you but it’s too busy looking beautiful.
Good to see Mirriky here going in prepared with her Bubble attack. When Team Red is yelling about how awesome Charizard is, she’s just going to activate Bubble and tune them out. This move is a staple in Blastoise’s move set and is used for offense in Pokemon. That’s exactly how we’re going to use it. Alright Mirriky? You charge in with Bubble, I’ll use Water Gun. We got this.
Go home, gamingdad. Take your Pikachu with you.
Hikari here has an impressive drawing but that flame is not going to last long. One spray of ink and it’s out. Team Blue was going in equipped with Bubble, Water Gun, Surf and Hydro Pump and any one of those would do serious damage to the flame of Team Red.
Speaking of Hydro Pump, I had to level up before the Splatfest begun. I was only level 50 and Blastoise learns it at 52 so I had to sneak in a few extra levels. I have done my homework, now I must train.
BOOM! SPLAT! Aw yeah, look at this beauty. It only has 5 PP so I was going to have to charge it up during each Turf War, but this mighty weapon was a perfect fit for the Splatfest stages. Blackbelly Skatepark, Camp Triggerfish and Hammerhead Bridge were all about to be drenched in water. Even if Charizards try to fly above it, I could now reach them with Hydro Pump.
From the first match I realised this was going to be hard-fought, as everyone was level 38 or higher. This means we were all fully evolved Blastoise and Charizards with pretty decent movesets. Unfortunately the board could not display my level 52, but I had Hydro Pump and that’s all that matters. I’ve heard something about a level scaling system in Pokemon games released after Blue and Red, but we haven’t gotten those to run in arcades yet.
In 3 devastating minutes we showed Team Red the meaning of “Super Effective”, with myself and BlueNova racking up the KOs, and alana and Shibe grabbing the home turf with Bubble and Withdraw. My Hydro Pump came in very useful with some double splats and there was nowhere they could hide. A few shots missed, but with 80% accuracy the odds were in my favour. Eric tried to use Solar Beam with his Splat Charger but there is no sunlight during Splatfest. Sorry mate. Team Red still played decently with some good splats of their own, but when fighting against a type you are weak too it doesn’t even matter. Beating a good team in our first match filled us with confidence, because it could only get better from here.
The Charizards tried everything. Dragon Rage, Earthquake, Strength. None of it was effective. As it turns out, they can’t learn Fly so they had to drop a Spawn Point around the side to get around our Surf waves and “pretend” to fly. Blastoise has no obvious flaws like that, what you see is what you get with this mighty water tank. From the middle they desperately shot some Fire Blasts across the stage but they weren’t very effective. We were spraying Water Gun all over the map and with 35 PP, this move was not going to run out in 3 minutes.
We had now claimed Blastoise Bridge but the next round brought some drama at Camp Triggerfish. Someone on Team Blue was flopping about at the Spawn Point and it became apparent that we had a Magikarp on our team. I pressed “To Me!” and sprayed it with Ink, hoping it would evolve into a Gyarados. No luck. It just splashed about and killed itself, almost as if it was being useless on purpose. I knew all about Magikarp though, and there was nothing we could do. Someone on Team Red must have sold this to us at a Pokemon Center and we just had to deal with it. We fought hard but lost the match being a member down. Pokemon is all about teamwork and we discovered that super effective attacks do not guarantee victory.
The Magikarp did not come back and I was worried about it. Surely after a few matches, it would evolve and become a magnificent fighter. I put my hand on my heart and felt the Pokemon Blue cartridge in the inside pocket of my Splatfest tee. It quickly eased the doubt in my mind. Magikarp would be okay. There was an entire team of Pokemon on this cartridge that had survived generations. The humans did not accomplish much on this Earth, and all our documentation says they spent their time being miserable. This game must have been one of the rare occasions they were happy, and I felt that positive warmth coming from the cartridge. I knew this game had a special power and purpose, and I had to lift my game to live up to it. I had to be the very best.
I quickly re-engaged with another victory, getting one splat for each tail on Ninetales. With all 4 of us on Team Blue sharing the title of Champion, we became the Elite Four. I was Bruno, getting kills with my fighting style. Emily was Lorelei, using her Inkstrike to trap Charizards in a Blizzard. NOFX was Agatha with the opponent’s attacks going right through him, and Robin was Lance with great attack coverage on the all-round Aerospray. We stuck together and challenged Team Red to our gauntlet. None of them could take us on and we were taking half their money every time they lost, bringing in the cash like Meowth. When they ran out of attacks and tried to use Struggle, it just lowered their HP even more. The Splatfest was over, as a champion for Team Red never showed up.
After maxing out my victories I am now the Pokemon Blue King, but this title makes no sense. There had to be a higher rank. There are no kings in the Pokemon world apart from Nidoking. To become a Pokemon Master I had to keep playing the game.
This is where I will spend the rest of the night. I’m going to level my Blastoise up even further, all the way to 100. Before getting too immersed, I’ll end this with a shout out to my fellow Pokemon Trainers who fought for Team Blue. BlueNova, alana, Shibe, Steve, nicollo, bio, Riley, ayanami, Tess, Emily, Robin, Warinda, Cameron, leo, Crystal, SK*Salty, NOFX. You have all made the Splatfest Hall of Fame. You should go home to see your Mum now and tell her you’re okay. She’s worried about you.