Hey U – Give Me Real Controls

The Wii Remote & Nunchuk was last generation’s innovation in violence – still strong today, still better than the competition. This was the method of controlling the last true console Resident Evil experience the world would know: The Umbrella Chronicles.

For the previous console cycle, there’s a seldom-stated lesson Capcom briefly learned (see RE4:Wii) then immediately forgot (see their “HD” games): if you’re pretending to KILL in a video game, do it properly. It’s just a shame we don’t have to pretend anymore: modern games, such as Capcom’s premiere action series, have gotten so smart that they play themselves (step aside Super Guide). The games don’t hesitate to handle much of the excitement on their own, and work hard to convince us that quick-button-context-flashback-retrospection-cutscene was an artistic achievement (“Best QTE of 2012,” is there such a thing?). Opponents of violent gaming love to point out how video games “teach kids how to kill”, but I know that’s rubbish cuz most games suck at that, especially as more games suck at being games. It’s supposed to be like watching a movie, right? Why not an effing GAME? Thru these last couple generations of analog masturbation, popular shooters have more or less surpassed “REALISTIC EVERYTHING” – nevermind the gameplay. And in a (not really) fun twist, “more realism” cheerfully graduated to “more Hollywood”; new gameplay became movies that look like gameplay. “Wow, it’s like playing a game,” – thanks, my confidence in the new generation is at an all-time high.

Before proceeding, I want to be clear that the major ideas in the blocks of text below don’t necessarily apply to every genre or gameplay mechanic. Many of our favorites are derived from things like tennis, team sports, board games, gambling, mazes, vehicles, boxing puppets, and Donkey Kong – there’s no reason to mess with certain core elements. However, TANGIBLE VIRTUAL VIOLENCE has a raw, engrossing quality that the majority of the Industry has not been interested in embracing for some time; fluid human movements seek the spillage of human fluid, yet they insist gamers don’t like movement and just seek Mountain Dew. Trapped in the game industry’s electronic erection contest, the prestigious computing “arms race”, we continue enduring their fake war: fake gameplay and fake value. Cash and companies continue to perish in the high-priced struggle to show violence; rarely do we see genuine imagination towards playing violence. It doesn’t have to be this way; we can still search for decency. Aim off-screen and raise your real arms to rediscover what’s in front of you: the gameplay in your hands.

/wii joke

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Joy Ride Turbo – Now With Buttons!

A few years ago, Joy Ride Kinect was released as an example of how a racing game could benefit from Kinect controls. The game was a broken mess, to the point where you could win races without even moving. The developers have finally admitted this was a bad idea, and they’ve re-released the game with new “precision controls” (exact words used in the PR) using the normal Xbox 360 control pad. Joy Ride is finally playable in the form of Joy Ride Turbo, but what’s it like? Was there a nice personality hidden behind that awful piece of technology?


Continue reading “Joy Ride Turbo – Now With Buttons!”

Microsoft Media Conference Summary

Well I took one for the team and opted to miss the first half of the Italy vs. Paraguay game to watch the Xbox E3 show something something thingy. Just bullet points because who can be bothered typing words?

  • Call of Duty: Black Ops opens show with compelling on-rails footage.
  • Microsoft executive Dorky Dad walks off 1993 family sitcom to take over the presentation.
  • Metal May Cry footage shown, Dorky Dad confirms PS3 port.
  • Gears of War 3 played on stage, 4 player co-op provides great opportunities for friendly fire
  • Halo Reach shown on stage.
  • Fable 3 shown on stage.
  • And that concludes the list of exclusive Xbox games.
  • Xbox misses opportunity to RickRoll millions of people and instead maliciously inflict Justin Bieber on the population.
  • Some girl’s joke falls flat as she talks to her sister while they co-operatively watch television.
  • Xbox announces new sports compatibility just in case your TV doesn’t work with sports.
  • Wanker reckons that since he’ll be sharing the stage with a child and a bunch of Asian girls it is appropriate for him to dress as a pimp.
  • Baby Tiger mauls and kills young boy named Milo.
  • Rare back to the best; completely emulating Nintendo.
  • Alleged Kart racing game forgets to include items.
  • E3 game of the show so far front-runner Kinect Adventures announced, demo completely ruined by irritating bitches.
  • Ubisoft successfully identify Wii Fit free market to exploit.
  • Harmonix show off incredible dancing game with ‘white male’ difficulty option.
  • Sonic game to curse Kinect launch.
  • Rebel Assault 3 announced.
  • Forza Kinect enables long sought after Quicktime VR emulation.
  • Dorky Dad wins over crowd with free Xbox Quiet, crowd temporarily forgets they already own an Xbox.

Well it was a fairly safe show from Xbox. At no point did they dare upset the crowd by revealing just how much Kinect would cost, only that it would launch in time for Xmas.