Don’t bother staying up for the Nintendo Press Conference

I just got off the phone with Iwata and this is how it’ll go.

The small media contingent shuffle into the auditorium. As they enter they pass through a hallway lit only by UV light. An attendant presents them all with their namebadge in this light. Printed in magic ink are their names and organisation. “A cool touch,” remarks one to his friend. Matt IGN who overhears, yells “GIMMICK YOU MEAN! TYPICAL NINTENDO SHIT LOL!” in reply. Matt then trips over, dropping his steak “Fuck this light! Where the fuck is my steak?” Ignoring him, people find their way to their seats; GoHobo is agitated, fiercely gaurding the two empty seats next to him. “FUCKOFF, I GOT THREE TICKETS!” he prepares to yell, but no one wants to endure his stench anyway, so he remains silent.

The stage is dim. This year there are no speakers blaring Nintendo remixes or pop music; the scene is marked only by it’s deafening silence and the darkness is broken by only a solitary UV light, illuminating the journalist’s nametags alonge with white shirts, shoelaces, bleached hair and the teeth of both attendees who bothered to brush.

A sad song begins to play and in the dim light you can make out six men carrying what appears to be a coffin. Light gradually fades in and people’s suspicions are confirmed. The giant projector behind the stage is turned on, showing a close up view of the ceremony for the benefit of those watching at home and people with shit seats. The pallbearers gently lower the open casket on the stage and silently walk away, the music stops, and a camera suspended from the ceiling captures the moment for the projector. It moves over the casket but is too out of focus and the room too dark to make out what is in. Slowly the view zooms in and tightens it’s focus, the lights turn brighter, inside the casket is: a PSP.

Before any nervous giggles can start, suddenly, the projector bursts into life, with voice acted footage from the new Trauma Center game.
“Such a shame”
“Yeah, although I felt he never really had a hope of making it alive.”
*sigh* “What was the time of death?”
“Uh, let me check, 11:4-”

FIREWORKS ERUPT FROM THE STAGE, the flares hitting the fabric the video was being displayed on, setting it alight. With the aid of the metholated spirits it was doused in beforehand, the fabric quickly burns away, revealing Reggie with Iwata sitting on his shoulders! Iwata’s fists are clenched in defiance as Reggie effortlessly strides forward to center stage with him.

Reggie puts Iwata down and glares at the casket with the PSP in it. “THIS FUNERAL IS OVER!” He announces. And with that he picks up the casket and THROWS it into an open furnace that was sitting on the side of the stage the whole time without anyone noticing.

“IF YOU LOOK AT YOUR NAMETAG, YOU WILL NOTICE THAT YOUR NAME IS NO LONGER THERE…” Reggie pauses for dramatic effect as the nerds look at their nametags, not noticing that the UV light had been turned off. “I TOOK THEM” Reggie explains.

It’s Iwata Time now. “Now there have been some rumours on the internets, I wourd rike to address them.”

“First of arru somebody has been saying that there will be a sequel to Tairues of Symphonia rereased on Wii. Weru I am prouwd to announce Tairues of Phantasia wirru be rereased on the Virtuaru Consorue… in Japan.” At this shockingly dissapointing announcement, the RPG fan contingent will gasp and run out of the room in tears. Iwata will laugh to himself for about 3 minutes.

“Now that the faggots have reft, I feeru I can continue. Here are some of the games we are making, prease enjoy.” On a SECOND projector sheet, behind the original one, a trailer reel begins to play with quick clips of all the games we all know about: Phantom Hourglass, Forever Blue, Disaster: Day of Crisis, blah blah blah you know the drill. As the video seemingly begins to wind down, suddenly footage of NEW MAREIO CART (the official name) is shown, causing screams of glea from the crowd. Just as it’s getting good a tearing sound is heard, the video is cut short as Reggie RIPS HIS WAY THROUGH THE SECOND PROJECTOR SHEET.
“What is it?”
And from his pocket Reggie pulls out the Halo 3 Edition Xbox 360. He quickly proceedes to dropkick the machine into the furnace.

Iwata takes over again as Reggie wanders off. “Arso another rumour was that we wourd be bringing back a dead franchise. I got my friend Miyamoto to make this one, so maybe he can come out and tark about it…” Miyamoto comes out to a rockstar’s welcome; security is employed to keep the fanboys restrained – one crowd surfer is dragged out of the auditorium and beaten.

“Herro, did you arr enjoy my games?”
“Yes yes I am very happy today to say that I make a new game from old franchise. For over 24 months now, Donkey Kong Jungru Beat has been dead. WERR NOT ANYMORE!”

With the flagship, blockbuster game announced, what could be left in the conference? How could it get any better, many wondered. Reggie returns to the stage, this time accompanied by George Harrison.

“Oh well see uh um that als-”
He doesn’t finish as Reggie has kicked his arse, sending him flying clear of the stage into Miyamoto’s moshpit of journalists.

THIS CONFERENCE IS OVER” Reggie announces. Everyone leaves shaking.

What’ll actually happen: Half an hour of masturbating to DS sales. Demonstrations of Metroid and Mario. Video of Mario Kart with 16 player online multiplayer confirmed. Major Wii OS/Firmware upgrade/overhaul announced.

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