You’re Playing It Wrong – Mario Kart Wii

Bringing up any of following points is a sign you’re playing Mario Kart Wii wrong. But don’t fear, because i’m here to steer you in the right direction. Let’s get started!

– There are too many items, luck decides the winner

If you’re not winning every race, it’s not because of items. It’s because of poor management. Some people seem to think that because they owned a SNES, that makes them “old school” and grants them a god-given right to be good at Mario Kart games for their entire life. Guess what, the whole world can see you play now, and you don’t stack up. You’re going to actually have to learn how to drive. That includes proper placement of your kart in times of crisis. You will get hit by items in every race, but so will everyone else. Whoever can DEAL with hazards the best will win the race.

– The tracks are too wide, where’s the skill in that?

Firstly, all of the tracks have corners. Regardless of how wide they are, corners have APEXES – the point that marks the fastest route through a corner. The bigger the track, the more complicated the apex of the corner, thus requiring MORE skill for an accurate judgement. If you’re driving in the middle of the course wondering where the challenge is, then that’s the reason you just came 12th.

Secondly, play Rainbow Road. Hopping corners, jumping over gaps of space and hanging half a kart off the edge of the track are REQUIREMENTS for being competitive here. It’s a hardcore track, pick it. You ARE a hardcore gamer, aren’t you? Then act like one.

– It’s too colourful

Wear sunglasses. Your Mii has them, why not you?

– I came 2nd because of a blue shell, how is that fair?

Let’s get some perspective. 2nd is a good result. Especially when 12 people are in the race. If you come 2nd every 10 races because of a blue shell, nobody is going to notice. It’s not going to dent your precious stats. On top of that, knowing you fought well and bravely should be enough satisfaction. You shouldn’t be playing Mario Kart if you aren’t trying to have fun.

– The Wii Wheel is too hard to control

If you think i’m going to suggest a GameCube or Classic Controller, think again. The Wii Wheel offers the most precise movement out of all the control methods. Having ten fingers controlling the degree of input is more reliable than one, and having a full 3D space allows more precise adjustments to be made, as opposed to helplessly mashing left and right on the analog stick. My best advice for adapting to the Wii Wheel is to calm down. Don’t go nuts and be full-tilt at every chance like you would with an analog stick. The Wheel allows slower turning, take advantage of this and you’ll maintain more speed through corners.

– Where are the custom kart skins?

The only customised skin you’re going to see in this game is a tear in your arsehole after bumping into NOA REGGIE on Wi-Fi.

4 thoughts on “You’re Playing It Wrong – Mario Kart Wii

  1. “My best advice for adapting to the Wii Wheel is to calm down.” That is amazing. I don’t hear it often and I don’t see it stated so simply among the usual crowds of whiners.

    It makes complete sense: if your mental sphere of Wii is WAGGLE, then you are blind to the opportunity for skill. If you can’t keep your Wii Wheeling self under control, you’ve yet to discover those skills.


  2. The blue shell is totally overstated. There are races where I got hit by it 2 or 3 times without ever losing the lead. Then again, I play with the Wii Wheel so I guess I have an unfair advantage.


  3. Whatever anyone else says: Leading by 10 seconds on the last lap, getting hit by a blue shell, a POW block (before the shell recovery allows you to dodge) and a subsequent red shell (unprotected due to the blue shell and the POW block) to finish 9th is as LAME AS LAME GETS.


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