Why GameInformer Makes Me Want To Punch A Kitten

Here we have a lovely piece about one of the greatest games of the last decade, Xenoblade Chronicles. It’s an “amazing game” says the author, Chris Warcraft of GameInformer. It features an “epic storyline” with “engaging characters” and “fresh combat”.

However.

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“Durp!” – David Cage: “I think I know what interactive entertainment is!”

There were so many stupid comments made recently that I really got overwhelmed and couldn’t do any of them.  Oh, and I blame that flop 3DS system thing.  Anyway, back to work!

Our latest “Durp!” comes from the mouth of David Cage, known for that Heavy Rain game that is a disgrace to the ADV genre.

“Look at Call Of Duty. How many copies does it sell every year? I’m fine with that. It’s cool. I’m just saying that I’m not happy with an industry that is entirely limited to experiences where all you are doing is shooting. That’s my problem. There is much more we can do with interactivity than just killing people.”

“Hey, what’s wrong with that quote?  He’s defending videogames!”

Oh, yes, he’s defending videogames, but let’s look at one line in particular…

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“Durp!” – David Jaffe: [Insert not-so-classy comparison here]

Hello, and welcome to another edition of “Durp!”  This time we cover our favorite developer (to make fun of), David Jaffe.  With the NGP announced, surely he’s had time to come up with some sort of riveting, yet orthodox, opinion on the “Next Generation Portable” (that happens to just do things that current systems already do, but worse), right?  No.  No he has not.

So let’s make this a little game.  Can you guess what David Jaffe compared the NGP to?  CAN YOU POSSIBLY GUESS?

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“Durp!” – Capcom: “Durrr, no one plays handhelds anymore!”

Welcome to “Durp!”, a feature based around what there is far too much of: members of the gaming industry making completely and utterly retarded and/or unsubstantiated comments that make those with even the most minute amount of common sense or respect for gaming cringe in disgust.

And we’re going to start this with an absolute doozy from Capcom Interactive’s (a subsidiary of Capcom U.S.A. that produces mobile games) president and COO, Midori Yuasa…

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“Durp!” – “Epic Games”? Try EPIC FAIL

Epic Games’ CEO Mark Rein has been long known to have some unfathomable grudge against Nintendo for reasons unknown, most likely due to reasons surrounding Nintendo not buying their god-awful Unreal Engine license.  Late last year, Mark made a rather amusing comment when asked about Nintendo’s 3DS.

“It’s below our [minimum specifications], from what we can tell.  We don’t have a 3DS, so there’s no way for us to verify that.  Everything we’ve been led to believe is that it’s below our min-spec. You couldn’t do a game that looks like [Epic Citadel] on it, for example.”

It’s pretty amazing that Mark Rein, someone who has no technical knowledge whatsoever, has the ability to tell what they can and cannot do with the system without actually playing around with it.  Surely he must have some sort of basis behind this statement, right?

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The 3rd Party Wall of Shame

Editor’s note: This project was initially presented on January 27, 2010 and finalized on April 4, 2010 somewhere in Former Nintendo Fan Report Planet (FNFRP). FNFRP staff said its community was being too “positive” about Wii and Nintendo in general, so we decided to deliver some fresh, steaming negativity. “Why do you hate 3rd Parties so much?” they asked. “Did you not read the damn post at all?” I pondered.

Visitors making the pilgrimage for the first time:  Read The Text, or you will miss the context – this difference easily exposes the internet morons in your community. The specific order of the box arts and items in the text don’t match 100%; it was meant to read casually and maybe quickly, so the idea is what counts. This WAS just an overblown forum post on some fansite, after all. Caution: contains language most foul and intense 3rd Party imagery; some graphics are known to cause birth defects, depending on the laws in your country/state/community.  Kids, ask your government’s permission before buying 3rd Party software.

You might be thinking of the Vietnam Memorial, or the stars of the World War II memorial, or the wall of fallen operatives at CIA headquarters — THIS IS NOT THAT KIND OF WALL. This wall has its own significance, and its name below is exactly what it recognizes.

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You’re Playing It Wrong – Mario Kart Wii

Bringing up any of following points is a sign you’re playing Mario Kart Wii wrong. But don’t fear, because i’m here to steer you in the right direction. Let’s get started!

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A Night with Dunaway

Last night I had Cammie Dunaway over. I found it unusual that she’d be in Perth this close to E3 so I said “You’re not leaving yourself much time.”
“Hehe, for what sweety?” Cammie replied.
“E3 of course, it took me over 24 hours to fly to L.A.”
“Oh we’ve already done it silly.”
“Done E3? The press conference and everything?”
“Yeah we recorded it last week, everyone who attended is under an NDA. Only the internet hasn’t found out yet, hehehe.”

This was a lot for me to take in so I motioned for her to get back to sucking my cock. Over the next hour, when she came up for a breather, she filled me in on what happened.

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