How hard is it to review a videogame?

Pretty hard according to this clown, Ryan Mccaffrey at IGN. Don’t click it, they don’t deserve the hits. It’s a review of Ninja Gaiden 3 on Wii U, not just any review but the first one on the internet!

 “Razor’s Edge’s pure-action gameplay will certainly impress you. “

TELL ME MORE!

“In fact, it’s not even fair to call the refurbished Razor’s Edge a “director’s cut.” Rather, it’s more like a film that’s been screen-tested, made changes based on lots of negative feedback, and then released in a significantly different form than it was originally shown.”

So the director cut stuff out and put stuff in?

“Doing well in each battle –stringing together combos without being hit, quickly finishing off batches of bad guys – earns you the Karma cash, which is tracked in real-time on the left side of the screen during each fight. It’s a bold move for an action game to say to the player, “Hey, I’m watching you. Impress me.””

So there’s a score that goes up when you do stuff. Cool! Very brave inclusion of Team Ninja, who would have thought an action game would be in real-time.

“While the system’s signature Wii U GamePad is plenty ergonomic, it’s simply not a good fit, literally, for the kind of action Ninja Gaiden 3 throws at you.”

How long can you make a sentence and still say nothing? What exactly is wrong with the GamePad? When I held it playing Batman, it felt fantastic. I’m also offended at the abuse of the word literally, that’s not how it works. It can’t be ergonomic and uncomfortable. He says the Pro controller is better but doesn’t say why.

“The addition of Ayane certainly doesn’t hurt the game. The crossover cameo from developer Team Ninja’s Dead or Alive brawler series lets you lace up the leather bustier of Ryu’s equally skilled colleague. She gets her own missions in Razor’s Edge, and her faster, nimbler play style serves as both a complement and a refreshing break from Ryu’s mainline quest.”

Well done, you just said the same thing 3 times.

“Visually, Ninja Gaiden 3 is hardly going to make your PS3 and Xbox-owning friends envious. In fact, Razor’s Edge is arguably uglier than its cousins, with bland textures and a bad case of the “jaggies” combining to create a muddy look that would’ve been called out seven years ago during the Xbox 360’s launch. Still, the framerate stays (mostly) smooth, which is crucial for a game like this. Plus, at this stage it’s nice – if admittedly a novelty – to be playing a Nintendo game in high-definition.”

I think this guy has a bad case of THE STUPID. Jaggies, fucking really? Have you seen the game on Xbox 360 and PS3? Probably not, since there is no comparison. 1up contradicts this by saying the graphics are great but the framerate occasionally drops. Who’s right? IGN guy covers his butt by saying “arguably”, is it possible for framerate and “jaggies” to be a matter of opinion? It seems this guy was born in 2005 after bragging about being alive for the Xbox 360 launch.

The review is garbage and insulting, and I have a hunch they didn’t even play the game. That string of quotes I highlighted is a whole lot of nothing. I know IGN does have a copy of the game, because it was one of the games in the press package sent by Nintendo. The fact is, anyone could have written this without playing it, there’s no summary of the experience. Nothing about the interactions, no comparisons to other versions. “It’s really hard, and it gets harder” is the extent of his mythical experience that he probably heard from a friend while using the game box as a coaster for his Mountain Dew. Most of the Wii U additions aren’t mentioned at all. The review isn’t even entertaining, what’s the point? The summary at the bottom isn’t even about the game, it’s just another annoying quip about Nintendo and mature games for core gamers. When you’re tasked with reviewing a launch game for a new system like Wii U, it’s worth doing your homework. It’s worth doing your job. People are talking about this review on forums as an indicator of Wii U’s power. This guy is getting paid for making shit up and copying press release info, probably while jacking off with his buddies and waiting for a “real” game to review that comes with something “motivating”.

YOUR JOB ISN’T HARD. YOU PLAY VIDEOGAMES FOR A LIVING.

If you get a game for free, that’s the hard part out of the way. Playing the game is the easy part. This goes for many other so-called journalists, but the examples are too heavy to name, and IGN’s website is a cesspool to navigate. To throw a bone to poor old Ryan, I’ve seen reviews far worse than this. The only reason I stumbled on this is because Wii U discussion is rampant and people are furiously grabbing every bit of meat thrown their way. This is a console launch, the steaks are high.

Gaming journalists have very little responsibility. Nobody is going to die if you print a misleading review, but on the same token you’re not going to die if you pull your hand out of your butt. You might even enjoy it. Play the damn game, sit back and take it in. At least pretend you like videogames, try and feel something. This “first review” bumrush is about as meaningful as a youtube comment.  It’s worth waiting one extra day to put the review up if you can feel pride in your work, the fanboys will still be there tomorrow. Pride, what’s that? It’s that feeling when you unlock an Achievement or Trophy, except it lasts longer than 5 seconds.