It’s no secret that we, the staff of Pietriots, love Shin’en games. In fact, as part of staff recruitment you have to be sexually aroused by Martin Sauter to be allowed to write for us. I think the reason Martin and the rest of the staff at Shin’en remain so good looking is that none of them have ever actually played mini golf.
Author: Roland
Opinions expressed by this author do not represent this author. Please understand.
Sites I Like: Jaffe’s Game Design
Did you know that maverick game designer David Jaffe runs an incredible game design blog? I feel even talking about the insights and discourse Jaffe provides on his site would do a disservice to Jaffe and the incredible thoughts he conveys. So if you want to check out fascinating, in depth discussion of video game design, head over to http://jaffesgamedesign.blogspot.com.au/. I think he didn’t buy a URL to keep it underground and cool. Jaffe is such a rare talent that I decided to refer him for an amazing job I heard about. I’m sure he can do that while making another car crashing game.
I wish the TAKEDOWN kickstarter failed
With the successes of Double Fine’s unnamed adventure game and Wasteland 2, Kickstarter is the current darling of the independent gaming community and ‘crowdsourcing’ the hot new buzzword being thrown around by insufferable energetic web 2.0 conmen. Kickstarter hasn’t always been a success though, my favourite unfunded project being the criminals who developed Tony Hawk Ride failing to fund some marble madness clone they wanted to inflict on us. If only the same could be said about smug upstart Serellan’s lame sounding tactical shooter TAKEDOWN.
Mass Effect 3 – Impressions
I’m just going to come out and say it; this is the game of the year. I was so ready to hate this game. The day one DLC that is so obviously cut content, the tacked on multiplayer, the retconned elements of the story – I’ve been swallowing the hate machine from /v/ with gusto. But I can’t hate it. Everything is just too magnificent, I just did this thing right, I don’t want to talk bout it too much because of spoilers, but is was such a momentous event that other, lesser games, would’ve had this as their climax. Not Mass Effect 3, where this represents just the culmination of the first of what I hope is many acts this game will produce. Oh shit I can’t keep writing, I’m gonna go back and play more Mass Effect.
Breaking News: David Jaffe is Scum
I was about to goto bed but I made the mistake of clicking the header over at PixlBit after reading their review of satan’s resurrection. And there it was, breaking news, David Jaffe leaves the company he co-founded, sacking 20% of the staff as he walks out the door.
We’ve spoken about David Jaffe before on Pietriots. Specifically, the time he compared the PS Vita to a virgin vagina. After a while of following the guy around the internet like some deranged muck racking journalist, I was inspired to make the twitter account @FakeDavidJaffe to mock the guy. The truth is though, I just couldn’t compete with the real thing and was always two steps behind the man. I’d still be making fun of the fresh pussy comment and then the real David Jaffe would say people who don’t listen to rap music are racist. Or I’d find an old interview of him where he stops talking about his latest Twisted Metal game to directly address his internet critics and what they think of them. Then there’s his blog which is borderline unreadable due to his lack of traditional English grammar and total disregard for proof reading. In short, David Jaffe is a man without a filter.
Kotaku doesn’t just suck
I just want to briefly talk bout the big headline in today’s news; that Kotaku commenters do not suck. And I would just like to defend Kotaku commenters, who are no worse than Kotaku itself. ie. Utterly deplorable.
Thinking of building a gaming PC? Don’t!
Despite the overwhelming market dominance of gaming on consoles seemingly only challenged by gaming on what we used to call telephones, graphics card manufacturer nVidia are predicting a surge in the uptake of PC gaming. Do you want to be part of this hip new trend? You shouldn’t! But the stories are intoxicating, aren’t they? Tales of dedicated multiplayer servers. Rumours of true high definition gaming, powered by multicore CPUs that unleash the true power of exotic European developed game engines. Implausibly large multiplayer games supporting thousands of players simultaneously. Rumours of wonderful indie game distribution networks and those preposterously good value Steam sales. But then if you go out and look at some PCs in shops they’re all so expensive you might begin to wonder just what the big fuss regarding the PS3 launch price was even over. Then you hear another rumour, that you can save money and build a PC yourself! It all sounds too enticing and you find yourself wondering that maybe you should buy some components off the shelf and craft your very own PC. Well don’t.
Sites I Like – Tumblr Edition
So this was meant to be a regular column on Pietriots as I compile and write love letters to the websites that make the internet worth visiting. However, the internet would prove to be a hostile, unloving place with few sites worth mentioning. In fact it was looking so bleak that I was considering deleting my previous Sites I Like column so that the internet would never know my shame of enjoying a single piece of its content. But then I discovered Tumblr.
Critics would have you believe that Tumblr is the worst form of social networking. A LiveJournal for idiots, if such a thing could exist, with typical site layouts designed for 640×480 monitors. Those critics are right on the money as the vast majority of tumble logs and their entries consist of little more than image memes and animated gifs, re-blogged from other worthless tumblr accounts. A giant cycle of filth perpetuates, like a tornado sucking up all the shit of the internet, swirling it around and flinging it back out. The last time I used the metaphor of a cylindrical storm though was in an academic essay when I talked about the generation of knowledge in emerging academic areas. My tutor was so impressed she suggested I do honours but I managed to turn things around and fail the unit anyway. What I’m getting at though is that in this insular land of chaos, this quagmire, beautiful content producers have emerged, delivering content that is edgy, hilarious and post-ironic. It is true irony that it is Tumblr, of all places, that I found the quality web content I required to restart Sites I Like.
Mario Kart 7: A Diagnosis
So I’ve done the basic run through of 150cc and played some online matches. I think I’m prepared to talk about Mario Kart 7. This isn’t a review because I hate reviews and any Mario Kart 7 review that doesn’t read: “it’s Mario Kart“, is a waste of time. I am going to file this under reviews though because, you know, convention. Instead this is an analysis of changes made to the Mario Kart formula in this, the seventh entry to the series. It’ll be posted here and over at Koopa Beach.
First up, I am really disappointed that the game doesn’t feature some of the more extensive time trial options that Mario Kart Wii included. By that I’m talking about being able to download regional and worldwide ghosts and examine the top ten rankings. This was a real source of motivation to improve in Mario Kart Wii and I’m proud to say I made the top ten in Australia for Cheep Cheep Beach and Vanilla Lake. That came from seeing that my times were close to the top times and having amazing ghosts to compete against in the form of wifi friends and housemates. The other great thing it did was tell stories. If you followed the world record times closely you’d see new shortcuts and techniques for tracks open up. It was incredible and I was hoping to dedicate a significant amount of words on Koopa Beach to just that aspect of the game as it went through early development stages. As it stands though, that commentary will now probably come from the elite players who I expect will be hanging around at the established time trial communities. That link I just made though is dead at time of writing. And any stories that do come will only be fragments strewn across message board posts. It looks like history may be lost.
Battlefield 3
Battlefield 3 is a fucking disgrace and a monument to everything fucked up about gaming in 2011.
So let’s start this by talking about the user experience. You load up Origin, EA’s malvolent store slash game launcher client thing that is not Steam and it has some validation thing that takes way too long. Then you click on Battlefield 3 and it runs another validation thing to make sure you don’t live in the future; once it confirms that you don’t, you can load the game. Except that Battlefield then doesn’t load the game – instead it opts to fire up your web browser and takes you to a website EA calls the Battlelog, some people have called it Facebook For Murderers, others ‘one of the worst ideas in video game history’. Your web browser will be as unprepared as you for Battlelog, forcing you to install two plugins for your web browser to continue. Now so far in this review I’ve talked about what you do when you first play Battlefield 3; I’m going to talk about what I did for a moment: At this point in the process I turned to my one, solitary friend on Origin, who was playing Battlefield 3 at the time, and complained about the validation shit. I said, “all I want to do is shoot cunts!” He laughed and responded with “I hope you like dying.” Now at the time I thought this was just him shit-talking my gaming skills, but in reality it was an ominous warning of what was to come. Battlefield 3 is a game about dying. Continue reading “Battlefield 3”
The Hype War
Hours ago, war broke out across the North American continent – no platform was spared as Electronic Arts invaded, attempting to seize all Activision strongholds on the continent. As we speak, more EA forces are mobilising off the east coast of Australia and there are reports of the EA navy circling Europe from the North Sea to the Black Sea, preparing for an invasion before the week is out. This is of course the Great Gaming War of 2011 and just as the poster above depicts, your kids will ask you about what role you played in this pivotal moment in history.
A True Watershed Moment in Digital Entertainment
Hold onto your arseholes everyone because the latest sales figures are out and there’s one headline that will dominate global news, pushing Wall Street protests and Bangkok floods off the front pages. Are you ready?
Forza Motorsport 4 had the biggest opening sales week of ALL TIME!
… in the UK
… for an Xbox 360 exclusive
… that’s about racing…
It really is an incredible achievement to almost sell as many copies as Just Dance 3 and I imagine this day for forever forth be known as F4 day.
This startling statistical analysis comes from GfK’s UK website ChartTrack. I’ll be refreshing their page everyday from now until November to see if Skyward Sword can be the best selling Wii game released in Q4, or if Skyrim claims the title of most purchased Elder Scrolls game.
Sony’s Treachery, Ten Years On
As the eleventh of September rolls around, the thoughts of everyone around the world will turn back to the victims of this terrible tragedy. And as we do, we let our minds wander towards the powerful feelings of sorrow, hate, and eventually a thirst for vengeance against the extremist group. Why? – we ask in exasperation, why did thousands have to die? Who could commit such atrocities? Certainly not Al Qaeda, a ragtag group of gun hobbyists in Central Asia. There is only one organisation with the resources, motive, willpower, and flagrant disregard for human life to disrupt the Nintendo GameCube launch in such an atrocious manner: Sony. Sony, the entertainment and electronic conglomerate were responsible for 9/11!!!!!!!
In the picture below, taken from a website that said it was from video footage of the World Trade Center attacks, you can clearly see the Sony logo on the tail of the plane. The other circles indicate where explosives, disguised as PS2s, were strapped to the exterior of the plan. You know, in case you’re too blind to make them out. I mean it’s clear to see, really.
But why would Sony, not Al Qaeda, fly planes into buildings? Let us paint the picture.
Bejeweled 2+Blitz
Imagine a game that took pity on you. The game knew you were down on your luck, you didn’t really know what you were doing. That things weren’t working out with your new girlfriend and you felt you couldn’t relate to friends anymore and your self esteem was at an all time low. A game that would let you sleep with her win. After the mild exhileration you felt worse afterwards. Bejeweled 2+Blitz is such game.
AUSTRALIANS! How did you sabotage your census form?
It’s hard to believe that here in 2011, the government still thinks that race and religion matter. In our brave new post-ironic economy, you too should claim to be of video game decent. At least until they ask us what our favourite bands are on the form.
Pietriots 