It has been a few weeks since the WiiU launched, and I am loving it. Miiverse is amazing, ZombiU is amazing and New Super Mario Bros U is pretty close to topping Super Mario Bros. 3 is terms of being my favourite side-scrolling Mario game. While the game journalism side has already been torn apart by Grubdog, its time for me to tear apart the other BS part: the third parties. Continue reading ““I like my new WiiU, but I won’t make games for it!””
Category: Industry Health
We’re about making games UALEUALEUALEUALE
Wii U is bombing, and we’re OK with that
Wii U has come out and has caused an interesting reaction with the gaming community. It’s exploded onto the scene like a bird shitting on a park bench. Wii U isn’t selling as well as Wii did at this very early stage, and after skeptical claims of “artificial shortages” people are now falling over themselves to prove that Wii U is “in stock”. Yes, you can buy it. So why don’t you?
How To Review A Videogame – 5 Easy Steps
The past week has been an eye-opener. It seems Wii U has exposed a lot of people in the media who don’t play games, with a string of lazy reviews copied from a press release or previous version of the game. It’s a tough life playing games for a living, especially during a console launch when there’s just too many games to play! Just thinking about all those games makes me sick, so I’ve put together a quick guide to help struggling journalists get through this tough time.
Hey U – Give Me Real Controls

The Wii Remote & Nunchuk was last generation’s innovation in violence – still strong today, still better than the competition. This was the method of controlling the last true console Resident Evil experience the world would know: The Umbrella Chronicles.
For the previous console cycle, there’s a seldom-stated lesson Capcom briefly learned (see RE4:Wii) then immediately forgot (see their “HD” games): if you’re pretending to KILL in a video game, do it properly. It’s just a shame we don’t have to pretend anymore: modern games, such as Capcom’s premiere action series, have gotten so smart that they play themselves (step aside Super Guide). The games don’t hesitate to handle much of the excitement on their own, and work hard to convince us that quick-button-context-flashback-retrospection-cutscene was an artistic achievement (“Best QTE of 2012,” is there such a thing?). Opponents of violent gaming love to point out how video games “teach kids how to kill”, but I know that’s rubbish cuz most games suck at that, especially as more games suck at being games. It’s supposed to be like watching a movie, right? Why not an effing GAME? Thru these last couple generations of analog masturbation, popular shooters have more or less surpassed “REALISTIC EVERYTHING” – nevermind the gameplay. And in a (not really) fun twist, “more realism” cheerfully graduated to “more Hollywood”; new gameplay became movies that look like gameplay. “Wow, it’s like playing a game,” – thanks, my confidence in the new generation is at an all-time high.
Before proceeding, I want to be clear that the major ideas in the blocks of text below don’t necessarily apply to every genre or gameplay mechanic. Many of our favorites are derived from things like tennis, team sports, board games, gambling, mazes, vehicles, boxing puppets, and Donkey Kong – there’s no reason to mess with certain core elements. However, TANGIBLE VIRTUAL VIOLENCE has a raw, engrossing quality that the majority of the Industry has not been interested in embracing for some time; fluid human movements seek the spillage of human fluid, yet they insist gamers don’t like movement and just seek Mountain Dew. Trapped in the game industry’s electronic erection contest, the prestigious computing “arms race”, we continue enduring their fake war: fake gameplay and fake value. Cash and companies continue to perish in the high-priced struggle to show violence; rarely do we see genuine imagination towards playing violence. It doesn’t have to be this way; we can still search for decency. Aim off-screen and raise your real arms to rediscover what’s in front of you: the gameplay in your hands.
/wii joke
FPS on Wii U, will Third Parties drop the ball again?
Anyone who played Conduit 2 knows how good the Wii controller feels for first-person shooters. Not because the game does anything amazing, but because High Voltage were one of the only developers to show up to the FPS party with a Wii game. Call of Duty players laughed at their primitive graphics, Halo players insulted their mothers, and Killzone players were too busy reconnecting to PSN. Not many developers were brave enough to try and sell a game on the absurd basis of “good controls”, so FPS were few and far between on Wii, with launch games Red Steel and Far Cry Vengeance still floating in the top tier of the genre after 6 years. Wii U is just around the corner and negates the graphics problem but brings a new problem: the tablet. The enticing features of the GamePad screen and it’s comfortable grip could doom us to another generation of analog stick shooting.
Continue reading “FPS on Wii U, will Third Parties drop the ball again?”
One Hundred Mario Games In This Generation!
Which actually never happened…
After New Super Mario Bros. 2, gaming journalists complained Nintendo was releasing too many Mario games (and then they beg for more 3D ones afterwards), and is now a yearly franchise with hardly any difference and therefore sucks. This thought process further solidifies the fact gaming journalists are retarded, but why whine about something (because I r a game journalist too hur hur hur) when I can present hard evidence? Continue reading “One Hundred Mario Games In This Generation!”
Rumor: Chinese Kids Forced To Read Kotaku
Excited about the upcoming article from Kotaku? Don’t be. Unconfirmed reports confirm that China has the internet, and there are boys as young as 14-16 in China who either work or study, most likely in factories and buildings. These boys have allegedly been subjected to journalism of the lowest order. A supposed person with no name from an unidentified source has been monitoring the situation, and gave us a clear picture;
Continue reading “Rumor: Chinese Kids Forced To Read Kotaku”
Nintendo: Not For Gamers
It’s been obvious for a long time, but it’s finally official. Nintendo’s latest commercial aimed to boost sales of the struggling 3DS, says they’ve given up. Olympic medalist Gabrielle Douglas admits “I Am Not A Gamer” in a startling confession that reveals Nintendo’s true focus.
Continue reading “Nintendo: Not For Gamers”
March, 2013 – EA Drops Wii U Support
In a fresh PR announcement nobody asked for, EA has decided to tell the world that Wii U sucks. After Mass Effect 3 was released in the Wii U launch period and sold like shit (even less than Tekken), they’ve concluded that there is no market for quality games on the system.

I’m embarrassed to be a gamer now.
It has been quite a wonderful couple of days.
Not only did Nintendo have its WiiU conference in North America and two Nintendo Directs for Japan and one for Europe, but this is quite possibly the BEST console preview I’ve seen from them in years. There was no gaming media bias, no shoddy camcorder work, it was you, Iwata and your computer screen. Nintendo Directs is Nintendo’s own personal way of delivering news, and I couldn’t love it more. Continue reading “I’m embarrassed to be a gamer now.”
Capitalism Ho!
I hope you’re all enjoying the devaluation of intellectual property in the Steam summer sale. Spare a thought for those who live south of the equator in Australia, who not only have to contend with winter but have daily deals look something like this.
I was thinking of captioning this but the picture says it all really.
The Week that Shaped the Future of Gaming.
The way we game today is vastly different from just five years ago and worlds apart from prehistoric times when we blew into cartridges in the vain attempt to bring them to life on our fuzzy cathode ray tubes. Gaming is so different and continues to change so fast that many warn against trying to predict the future, for fear of looking foolish in hindsight. You won’t find such cowardice from me though and unlike some, who have built careers out of looking like fools, I’ll be correct. I’ll be correct because I’ve already had months of hindsight, using my incredible brain to critically evaluate last weeks news and extrapolating an accurate future from it. There were five key pieces of news last week that taken alone barely warrant comment but together shape the future direction of video game delivery. In decades to come I will be seen as a gaming prophet, the chosen one, able to divine meaning from these cryptic runes.
Continue reading “The Week that Shaped the Future of Gaming.”SimCity Social is a disgrace
The SimCity brand has been through a lot. The last good SimCity was SimCity 4, released back in the start of 2003, but even that wasn’t a true step up from SimCity 3000 until the Rush Hour expansion. Future expansions were theorised but never eventuated, leaving the game’s enthusiastic modding community to push the game engine to it’s theoretical limits and polish SimCity 4 into a kind of modern society simulator come digital train set. Since then, EA have kept original developer Maxis distracted with Spore while conspiring with Tilted Mill Entertainment to ruin the franchise with SimCity Societies and forcing their Japanese affiliates to badly port remixes of SimCity 3000 to DS and iOS. Apparently they also got the work experience kids to make a unique SimCity for Wii but no one actually played it because, you know, it was a third party game on the Wii. EA’s latest betrayal of Will Wright’s legacy is assigning Playfish to develop SimCity Social for Facebook.
Racing Developers – Let Me PLAY YOUR GAMES
Polyphony, Codemasters, System 3, Turn 10, SimBin, Brain In A Jar, this is directed towards ALL of you. I’ve been enjoying Supercar Challenge lately with my new wheel, playing a good few hours every few days. It’s the most satisfyingly realistic driving simulator I’ve ever felt. However, I’ve still only unlocked 3 cars in the game, out of 44. There are 41 cars I can’t drive. Despite the fact that this is a videogame, my options are artificially limited by in-game money earned by competing in hundreds of races with dull, easy, brain-dead AI opponents. That’s no knock on Supercar Challenge’s AI racers, all racing games have AI I don’t care about.
Should I really have to spend 50 hours in career mode just to enjoy Time Trial properly? Would it be considered a crime to let me drive the cars I want from the start? This is mindblowingly terrible design that has somehow become the standard in console racing games. Time Trial is what I love – I want to drive to my own limits and challenge myself, to properly appreciate the physics of these fantastic simulators. Why can’t I take ADVANTAGE of the fact that this is a videogame, and drive the car I want?

Continue reading “Racing Developers – Let Me PLAY YOUR GAMES”
Musings on Female Characters, Or Why Is The Western Game Character Menagerie Such A Sausage Party?
It wouldn’t be unfair to say that Metroid: Other M got a mixed reception, tilted heavy in favor of it being a good game. Which is to say, that people can agree that the game is solidly built, a great throwback to the 2D games, and stylistically presented. In fact the only real “weakness” noted by reviewers and angry internet users alike is the story, and more particularly, its depiction of Samus as “sexist.”
The reason I put “sexist” in quotes is not because I deny sexism exists, but because I heavily question the source of the accusations’ sincerity. Most of the comments center on the developing studio, Team Ninja, the director from Nintendo, Yoshio Sakamoto, and their country of origin, Japan for being “misogynist” when it came to designing Samus and the storyline of the game. Whether it’s sexist or not is up for debate, but why the inclusion of Japan as a factor?



