Iwata Asks: Michael Pachter – The Lost Interview

A few months ago, expert internet hackers discovered a “lost” Iwata Asks interview between Nintendo president Satoru Iwata and gaming industry analyst Michael Pachter. After braving multiple contract loopholes, shark tanks and Jim Sterling’s rolls of fat, I’ve managed to get a hold of this insightful interview. Enjoy!

IWATA: Today I will be interviewing Michael Pachter, a professional gaming guesser.
PACHTER: Actually Iwata-san, the correct term is “analyst”.
IWATA: Oh, is that what they call people like you? I didn’t know that was actually a thing.
IWATA: Please tell me about your job, Pachter. I would really like to know how you come up with 2 + 2 = 7. Last I remember, it equals four. (laughs)
PACHTER: My job is to analyze and make predictions for companies who require my advice.
IWATA: That must be some high-end advice, did the cost of your guesses cause them to lay off employees and go out of business?
IWATA: Are you sure? I think they deserve a refund since you seem to always be wrong about us.
PACHTER: That isn’t true.
IWATA: (laughs) Are you predicting you are right in that reply? (laughs)
PACHTER: You should make a system that I can grasp the concept of, it will sell well out of the gate.
IWATA: Our apologies you can’t understand a controller concept or basic math, Pachter-san. (laughs) By the by, how did those predictions of Vita taking away 3DS’ marketshare going?
PACHTER: [silence]
IWATA: Just recently, you said our fanbase sucks and they only buy Nintendo games?
PACHTER: Yes, that is correct.
IWATA: Can’t really blame them, we do actually beta test our games properly (laughs). So, how many internet hits did you get this time?
PACHTER: I don’t know what you mean…
IWATA: Did our Wii marketshare catch you off guard? Oh wait, yes it did. You ‘predicted’ the PS3 would take it easily.
PACHTER: [silence]
IWATA: Don’t worry Pachter-san, we still respect you as a one-man comedy routine.

Musings on Female Characters, Or Why Is The Western Game Character Menagerie Such A Sausage Party?

It wouldn’t be unfair to say that Metroid: Other M got a mixed reception, tilted heavy in favor of it being a good game. Which is to say, that people can agree that the game is solidly built, a great throwback to the 2D games, and stylistically presented. In fact the only real “weakness” noted by reviewers and angry internet users alike is the story, and more particularly, its depiction of Samus as “sexist.”

The reason I put “sexist” in quotes is not because I deny sexism exists, but because I heavily question the source of the accusations’ sincerity.  Most of the comments center on the developing studio, Team Ninja, the director from Nintendo, Yoshio Sakamoto, and their country of origin, Japan for being “misogynist” when it came to designing Samus and the storyline of the game. Whether it’s sexist or not is up for debate, but why the inclusion of Japan as a factor?

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Nintendo Direct – Better Than E3?

“Great stuff, Nintendo really did hold back at E3!”

“Only Nintendo could royally screw up the biggest trade show of the year but absolutely DESTROY a random Thursday at midnight.”

“Nintendo doesn’t really give a shit about E3 (and maybe any press events) anymore. They love Nintendo Direct. “

“That was approximately a billion times better than E3”

“Way better than E3!”

About A Billion Times Better

I’m pretty excited about Animal Crossing and the new 3DS redesign, but the internet is just too easy to make fun of right now. Nintendo Direct had a successful community reaction because it came out of the blue and completely bypassed all expectations and hype the media likes to sling around. Nintendo found the winning formula for releasing information: talking directly to the fans.

Sorry gaming press, you fucked up and now Nintendo doesn’t need you.

Sites I Like – Tumblr Edition

So this was meant to be a regular column on Pietriots as I compile and write love letters to the websites that make the internet worth visiting. However, the internet would prove to be a hostile, unloving place with few sites worth mentioning. In fact it was looking so bleak that I was considering deleting my previous Sites I Like column so that the internet would never know my shame of enjoying a single piece of its content. But then I discovered Tumblr.

Tumblr Logo

Critics would have you believe that Tumblr is the worst form of social networking. A LiveJournal for idiots, if such a thing could exist, with typical site layouts designed for 640×480 monitors. Those critics are right on the money as the vast majority of tumble logs and their entries consist of little more than image memes and animated gifs, re-blogged from other worthless tumblr accounts. A giant cycle of filth perpetuates, like a tornado sucking up all the shit of the internet, swirling it around and flinging it back out. The last time I used the metaphor of a cylindrical storm though was in an academic essay when I talked about the generation of knowledge in emerging academic areas. My tutor was so impressed she suggested I do honours but I managed to turn things around and fail the unit anyway. What I’m getting at though is that in this insular land of chaos, this quagmire, beautiful content producers have emerged, delivering content that is edgy, hilarious and post-ironic. It is true irony that it is Tumblr, of all places, that I found the quality web content I required to restart Sites I Like.

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Be careful what you wish for

There certainly has been a lot of talk lately about whether or not Nintendo should quit hardware and become a third party.  This sort of discussion baffles me because I’m not aware of any year Nintendo ever lost money to such an extent that “going third party” was a necessity.  In fact, even in the recent “trouble years,” according to several game news websites, Nintendo still pulled down billions in profit.  The comparisons to Sega are thrown around as if they meant anything, despite Sega’s situation having been the result of a decade of financial missteps.  Sega was losing money for years before they were forced to become a third party in order to stay alive in the industry.  Nintendo is sitting fat on billions upon billions of dollars, and has never posted a yearly loss, ever.

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The Capcom Five – Video Memorial


Before they cancelled Mega Man Legends 3, before they ignored Wii Pointer controls in Monster Hunter Tri, before they rewarded Resident Evil fans with rail shooters, before Dead Rising: Chop Till You Drop could handle 6 zombies at once, before they announce Resident Evil: Revelations including the free Mercenaries HD for PS Vita launching simultaneously with the 3DS version (hi-ho 2012 release date) – Capcom presented… THE FIVE.

Never one to forget 3rd Party achievements, I put this little post together to help last generation’s players and this gen’s newcomers remember the pain for years to come. Actually, before rambling about the quintet’s history that everyone’s heard before, I want to bring attention to the titles as they were announced: by sharing nice-quality versions of their debut trailers (well, 4 out of 5 of them). If we’ll remember ANY of it, let’s at least see clean copies of them; one last face-to-face before closing the casket. I know you can search for the moldy Flash videos originating from Matt C.’s IGN, but try to have some respect for the departed. Those videos came from a time when magazine, internet, and even Nintendo’s own coverage made “good” GameCube games look crappy.

Tracking down known copies of these trailers a couple years ago took some time and $rupees$. My search was narrowed to a couple auctions for rare promo DVDs from Japan, eventually making some sellers very happy. In addition, I managed to gather almost all the promo videos for these games since their announcement. One last step (took forever), each video was processed piece by piece – deinterlacing, cropping out blank borders, scaling the frames for consistency – whenever reasonable, trying to help them look their best. It’s only these past couple months that I seriously sat down to finish converting this junk. When hobbies start to feel like work… I tend to avoid them. Recently feeling an urgent sense of justice, I could delay no more.

So here’s what I got: a few custom screencaps, my personal thoughts/description of each game at inconsistent degrees of relevance, and links to the DivX-formatted media on my homepage. But seriously, I went overboard, so don’t read all of it.

This first one up was the first one to go down

Continue reading “The Capcom Five – Video Memorial”

Fred Dutton is AT IT AGAIN

Man I hate this guy!
Can you spot the error?

Well my old friend Fred Dutton, best known for making alarmist news reports about the supposed existence of a Zelda Online RPG that was actually a decade old flash game, can’t get anything right. The news story is simple; Luigi’s Mansion 2 is being developed by Next Level Games. But even Fred manages to stuff that up by insinuating that Pilotwing’s developer Monster Games is behind the title. This isn’t even a typo down the page, it’s in the bloody headline.

It’s hard to believe Fred Dutton gets paid and I don’t.

So I was being challenged by sycophants in the Eurogamer comments who find it perfectly acceptable for journalists to misreport the news and attribute work to the wrong people. GameAsylum, in their summary of Nintendo’s conference, followed Eurogamer and credited Pilotwings to Next Level Games too. Unlike Eurogamer though, they’ve quickly edited and rectified their article.

Update 2!
Eurogamer have rectified their mistake. I have not received a thank you card in the mail yet but I’ll keep checking.

When Old Speculation is Frontpage News


Stepping up to the plate today is Eurogamer’s Fred Dutton, perhaps best known for breaking the Earth shattering news that Dead or Alive: Dimensions made the Japanese sales charts, coughed up some extremely exciting news an hour ago. Fred Dutton revealed, through his sources of typing in a search on the ESRB website, the existence of a mysterious title known as ‘Zelda Universe’.


Holy shit! I immediately ran to Adium to tell Pro all about this incredible discovery. Pro was much more level headed and said it was just a website. I didn’t want to beleive him though and went back to my trusted Fred Dutton for clues to Zelda’s Universe

Given its title and that small collection of facts, an online Zelda MMO is the obvious guess, but that seems highly unlikely given Nintendo’s attitude to both online play and developing games for platforms other than its own.

Guarded speculation! He makes a bold claim but then quickly backs away saying it’s unlikely. Fred goes on:

Zelda Universe is the name of the franchise’s official website, but then the ESRB doesn’t rate web content. Some kind of game embedded in the site then? Again, that doesn’t really some like something Nintendo would do.

And then it all came flooding back to me. Ten years ago I played a game on the Zelda website.

I'll join you Link!

Look there’s the little ESRB rating and everything! E: VIOLENCE! Everyone can be violent! Does anyone else remember this? This game? Here’s a reminder.

Continue reading “When Old Speculation is Frontpage News”

The PATHETIC State of the Gaming ‘Media’

This is basically about reviews, I was going to make it about how it sucks as a whole, but it got too depressing. We all know that Gamespot / IGN / 1up etc. all offer completely terrible reviews, have crap staff, and just plain embarrass themselves on a daily basis in almost every “opinion” piece they put up. But I came across this review and had to say something.

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