Last night I had Cammie Dunaway over. I found it unusual that she’d be in Perth this close to E3 so I said “You’re not leaving yourself much time.”
“Hehe, for what sweety?” Cammie replied.
“E3 of course, it took me over 24 hours to fly to L.A.”
“Oh we’ve already done it silly.”
“Done E3? The press conference and everything?”
“Yeah we recorded it last week, everyone who attended is under an NDA. Only the internet hasn’t found out yet, hehehe.”
This was a lot for me to take in so I motioned for her to get back to sucking my cock. Over the next hour, when she came up for a breather, she filled me in on what happened.
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Upon arriving at the Club Nokia for the conference, journalists found a very large notice stating that the conference would not be held there and instructing them to assemble at the McDonald’s down the road. A poor hired Nintendo lackey had the job of falling over himself apologising to disgruntled journalists who felt the rug was pulled from under them.
Disappointment turned to bewilderment when the journalists discovered that the McDonald’s was still operating as it would normally. Nintendo hadn’t even booked a birthday party or a visit from Ronald. Not all were disappointed, however; Giant Bomb’s Jeff Gerstmann was delighted to find his usual reserved table unoccupied and sat down after ordering 2 large Triple Quarter Pounder McValue Meals with a sundae. Jealous onlookers such as RawMeatCowboy from GoNintendo followed suit and silently tried to outdo Jeff’s order.
After a few moments of frustrated waiting, Cammie herself walked into the McDonald’s. “Hi everyone, I hope you’ve all been smiling this past year,” she announced. Her arrival sparked a chorus of booing and several faces screwed up in anguish, an expression that will no doubt be mirrored in the monitors of disenchanted nerds the world over. Sensing their animosity, Cammie struck first, producing a newly stolen PSP Go from her knickers and throwing it at the nearest journalist. The nearest journalist wasn’t any of the gaming variety but an LA Times ghost writer enjoying his morning hash brown. Using his superior hand eye co-ordination he caught the device and hurled it back at Cammie. With the PSP Go in mid air, Reggie jumped through the nearest window and caught the machine in his mouth. As he brushed the glass off, Reggie began to eat the PSP Go, chewing though it’s plastic husk.
“Thank you Reggie,” said Cammie. “Now a lot of you might be wondering why we’re holding our 2009 conference here in McDonald’s. No, E3 hasn’t been scaled back further due to the recession. Instead, we felt that McDonald’s affordable and tasty family food perfectly reflected our philosophy of marketing towards the casual, everyday demographic.” Cammie’s explanation was met with a chorus of groans.
“DON’T ACT SO UNGRATEFUL!” Reggie yelled as he brushed the PSP’s crumbs off him. “WE KNOW FULL WELL THAT ALL YOU FILTHY, UNHEALTHY DOGS WOULD BE RACING DOWN HERE AS SOON AS OUR CONFERENCE WAS OVER. CONSIDER THIS A CONVENIENT FAVOUR!” Subdued by Reggie’s humbling criticism, the journalists murmured agreement.
Cammie took over again. “Alright now down to business, first I want to talk about Q1 sales growth and the DSi laun-”
“CAN I JUST INTERJECT FOR A MOMENT, LOVE?” Reggie politely asked.
“Sure.”
“NOW I HAD TO PUT UP WITH A LOT OF STUPID BITCHING FROM NOT JUST YOU CLOWNS BUT YOUR LACKEYS ON INTERNET FORUMS LAST YEAR. BY GEE AT ONE POINT I WAS SO BUSY KICKING PEOPLE’S ARSES THAT I HAD TO GIVE UP ON TAKING NAMES IN THE EVENING! YOU CRITICISE US FOR ATTRACTING A WIDER MARKET MEANWHILE THE PS3 HAS TURNED INTO A GLORIFIED KARAOKE BOX AND MICROSOFT, WHEN NOT BUSY STEALING OTHER PEOPLE’S IDEAS, SPRUIK THE XBOX’S TELEVISION AND MOVIE VIEWING CAPABILITIES! FUCK ME!”
Reggie was so worked up he had to approach the McDonald’s counter, toss aside the person ready to serve him and help himself to some chips just to calm down.
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“Does he often do that?” I ask Cammie.
“Oh yeah, sometimes. We actually keep Donkey Kong around the office just so they can beat each other up when they need to unwind. Anyway I didn’t even get to talk about the DS sales figures. I had prepared an Apple pie as a substitute pie graph but some arsehole from Gamespot saw it and ate it before I could point out the record-breaking figures.”
“Aww that’s a shame,” I say, barely suppressing my amusement.
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“Well moving along,” an exasperated Cammie said while the greedy GameSpot’s staffer licked bits he’d spilt off the floor. “We can talk about new games now.”
“First up we’re excited to announce Star Tropics Melanesia!” This shock announcement was greeted with a stunned silence, punctuated only by the sound of RawMeatCowboy’s Big Mac landing on the ground.
“Oh! If that was Little Mac you’d just dropped you’d be the new boxing champion!” Cammie chortled, impressed with her own wit.
“I wanted to bring it in and show you how much fun it is but Reggie wouldn’t let me.”
With that, Reggie let out a roar from behind the counter, spluttering chips everywhere. “NONE OF YOU FUCKEN DOGS DESERVE TO PLAY IT. YOU SPINELESS PACK OF CRYBABIES! THERE WILL BE NO VIDEO OR SCREENSHOTS EITHER! IF YOU WANT A SCREENSHOT THEN POLITELY ASK ME AND I MAY DRAW WHAT THE GAME LOOKS LIKE ON YOUR SERVIETTE.”
“May I have an impression of Star Tropics Reggie?” IGN’s representative nervously asked. Reggie strode over to his table, drew a penis and punched him.
Cammie began addressing the now-petrified journalists again. “Now we heard much disappointment in the press that we were not localising Disaster: Day of Crisis for the American market,” Cammie continued. “As usual, your fears were pure unfounded speculation based on ignorance. We never stated that we didn’t like the game and are now pleased to announce that Disaster: Day of Crisis will be spearheading our new marketing initiative: Wii-nter.” Many in the assembled journalist mob were now looking down in shame and thinking of ways they could best apologise to Cammie.
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“Wii-nter?” I ask. “Wait so you were intentionally withholding games just for some massive promotion?”
“Y- yeah!”
Cammie caught her breath and continued. “We figured that, while bitching endlessly about us on the net, consumer whores were still buying so much of our product that we didn’t need to get everything out the door. Have you seen Mario Kart’s figures?”
“Yeah I guess you wouldn’t want to slow down that train… so what else can we expect over Wii-nter?”
“Oh you know, Disaster, Metroid Prime Trilogy, Wii Fit Plus, Mario Party, Another Code, New Play Control Doshin the Giant, Pokémon League… probably a few third party games to pad it out a bit. We were thinking of re-releasing ExciteTruck as ‘Big Damn Trucks‘ and seeing if anyone would notice.”
“Fair enough, please continue.”
“Continue what? The story or the headjob?”
“Either is cool.”
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“We’re also pleased to publicly demonstrate Wii Fit Plus today, which some of you more cunning journalists found our trademark for.” Cammie announced. “YOU!” Reggie screamed at a random customer in McDonald’s. “Now we all know that Wii Fit was a massive success for us here at Nintendo, but a quick glance reveals none of you journalists ever bothered to play it. So the new Wii Fit Plus is aimed at the core gamer demographic.” Cammie explained while Reggie carried a kicking and screaming customer over to the Balance Board and Wii setup Iwata had snuck in when nobody was looking. Placed on the Balance Board, the random volunteer was confused. “Are you guys with Wii?” he asked before yelling “HEY HONEY THESE GUYS ARE FROM WII!” to his loved ones on the other side of the restaurant. He then asked, “Am I gunna be on TV?” to which Reggie replied with “SHUT UP“.
“To appeal to the core demographic we’ve made a few small changes to the mechanics of Wii Fit. Instead of measuring your weight and giving you a Wii Fit Age, Wii Fit Plus measures you and awards you an achievement score, which may or may not be related to how well you stood still on the board. In the exercise games, you will earn exp points which you can use to level up your Mii. You beat the game when you collect all the arbitrary tokens hidden in the exercises or when your achievement score reaches 1000. Wii Fit Plus comes bundles with a pen and paper so you can write down and show all your friends and family your achievement score because I’m sure they care,” Cammie explained while the confused volunteer fell over from not balancing well on two feet.
Miyamoto then waltzed into the McDonald’s unannounced. “Hi everybody! Iwata told me not to come to E3 in case I catch swine flu, but I was just so excited about my new game. So I came here to show you all. It’s an old favourite…”
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I’m really sorry guys. Cammie was about up to this part of the story when I blew my load and passed out. Cannot for the life of me remember what game Miyamoto announced. Probably just StarFox or something like that.
I’m pretty excited for Americans getting to experience Wii-nter. It’s pretty clear that Nintendo have beaten their immediate competition in the gaming industry and are now setting their sights on religious holidays.
Pietriots 