Category: Features

Irregular Columns

Splatfest – Gotta Splat ‘Em All! (Pokemon Blue vs Pokemon Red)

I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was
To splat them is my real test, to claim the turf wars
I will travel across the ink, letting off inkstrikes
Teach Pokemon to understand, the freshness that’s insiiiiiiiiiide

POKEMON, GOTTA SPLAT THEM ALL!!

Yeah!! The humans may have been useless, dumb and weak, but they had some pretty fresh entertainment in their day. Pokemon Blue and Red are popular videogames of their era that have recently gained popularity in the retro scene of Inkopolis. These games are not quite as impressive as Squid Jump or Squid Racer, but they have their own charm that has attracted large numbers of Inklings to the arcades. Even though the humans who made these games were wiped out, cartridges were found washed up on shores and we’ve managed to recreate the highly complex arcade cabinets that would have played these games. Inklings have been training Pokemon to stay fresh, with battling and trading becoming common place as Blue and Red trainers help each other complete their Pokedex. Today however, we are fighting for our favourite version and the only thing that will be traded is turf.

pokemontrainers

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Stuck in the Middle

There’s quite a lot of discussion on the internet in the past few days concerning the censorship of video games, pressure from so-called “Social Justice Warriors,” and pressure from so-called “GamerGaters.” The crux of this discussion appears to center around the latest installment of the Fire Emblem series, Fire Emblem: Fates, although there has been other recent controversies concerning games like Dead or Alive Extreme 3 and Fatal Frame: Maiden of Black Water.

Concerning Fire Emblem: Fates, a subquest involving a character named Soleil, who seems to be a female of a bisexual orientation (1 of 3 possible for humans, at least before Tumblr existed), could be romanced by an avatar character of the player’s design. The context of this romance appears to be that Soleil seems to get weak-kneed around cute girls of her type, which lessens her effectiveness in war and impedes her quest to become “smooth,” in her (fan translated at this point) words. The player character concocts a magic potion that makes the imbiber see people in opposite genders (1 of 2, at least before… oh, I already did that joke…) causing Soleil to see people in the opposite gender that they are. This medicine is supplied to Soleil in clandestine means, which to say, her drink was spiked. Hilarious hijinks ensue. This is obviously squarely in 90’s sitcom territory, or something out of the romantic comedy manga Ranma 1/2. The outcome is comical, and at the end the misadventure allows the player avatar to get closer to Soleil and say that she finds interacting with the player character “fun,” regardless of the unawareness of her medication. Who could possibly object?

Soleil
The face that launched a thousand tweets.

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Splatfest – Get Fresh Or Die Trying (EU/AUS)

A New Year is upon us and every Inkling is keen to make a fresh start to 2016. Today’s Splatfest is a war over riches and fitness as Team Money and Team Fitness battle it out. I have chosen Team Fitness because I am an honest fighter. The goal of “getting rich” has no personal meaning or existential benefit, and is simply the easy way out for Inklings with no self-worth. It is a temporary comfort that loses its freshness the second the ink dries out. I would rather die on the outside, than be dead inside. An Inkling’s respawn ability encourages growth and fitness, and as a member of Team Fitness I am not afraid to make a mess and put down those money grubbing squids no matter what the cost. Furthermore, Splatfests are about teamwork and Team Money quite simply are not trustworthy. In it for themselves, they are in for a rude awakening when their scattered team in-fighting is destroyed by the efficiency, strength and speed of Team Fitness. To aim for “richness” as a lifestyle is to drift away from freshness. Fitness however is freshness, and fighting for freshness is fighting for our very existence. If Team Money triumphs, the Inkopolis economy will collapse and prices in the plaza will quickly skyrocket due to greed. Eventually we’ll be buying gear off Spyke and the Sea Snail business will also crumble as a result. Without fresh gear and Sea Snails the Inklings can not stay fresh, and will go extinct. This is a battle for our existence as a species.

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Splatfest – Pineapple Liberation (EU/AUS)

It’s a debate that’s raged for centuries. Wars have been fought over it. Entire civilisations have fallen. Since the dawn of time, squids have fought over whether or not pineapple belongs on pizza. That’s right, the age old question. Does pineapple belong on pizza?  Ancient drawings from million year old squid civilisations depict a pizza with the pineapple being removed. Some say this proves it’s not an ingredient, others suggest the pineapple is being removed during the act of eating, and therefore part of the pizza. Pro-Pineapple Propaganda suggests it’s not even a true relic, but the work of Squid Satan. The true purpose of the pineapple remains a mystery, and this unanswered question has been responsible for untold bloodshed and inkloss throughout history. Today, it’s finally going to be answered in the most definitive way possible; a Splatfest.

I’ve joined team Anti-Pineapple because I am Pro-Freedom. “Pro-Pineapple” is founded on a lie, that pineapple has no place other than pizza. Pineapple should not be restricted to pizza, but have the right to be placed where ever is most convenient or appropriate. I believe the Squid Elders would have it no other way, and today, I will fight for that belief with a Splattershot in my hand, and pineapple juice in my blood. I am fighting for freedom.

splatfruit

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Pokemon Symphonic Evolutions – Sydney Opera House

Saturday, November 21st. The day my heart was ripped out and thrown around a giant hall in a bloody mess. No, not from a pretty girl who broke my trust. It was because my entire life was presented to me in the purest, most innocent way I could understand; through my favourite videogame memories. Every generation of Pokemon was celebrated one after the other, with hundreds of people sharing music and memories together in a brilliant performance by the Sydney Symphony Orchestra. The last 2 months 18 16 years of my life were set free to swim around the concert hall, completely naked. I could see everything through the sound. My first Game Boy, my first ever Nintendo game in Pokemon Blue, the excitement for Pokemon Gold & Silver’s launch, the grinding I did in Pokemon Sapphire to train for a tournament, the lies that bitch told, my midnight download of Pokemon Y. All the different places in my life where I embarked on each Pokemon journey. Such a huge range of situations would normally create a disconnect, but I left with an enormous sense of clarity.

ssane

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Toad on Track – 2015 Mario Kart World Championship

My name is Toad. It’s a common name in the Mushroom Kingdom but that doesn’t make it any less special. At the end of a long year in the 2015 Mario Kart World Championship, we’ve arrived at the second last race of the season. I’m in a heated battle for the title with Mario and Villager. Mario leads the championship by 1 point over me, with Villager trailing by 10 points with an outside chance. This is my first championship and from the start my goal was to be champion. People laughed at me and said things like “You’re just an average Toad” and “It’s Mario Kart, not Toad Kart“, but here I am, well in the fight. Even the cutest, most average Toad in the world can chase their dreams and that is the point I’m here to prove. I remind myself every day that I am Toad, and I can do anything. So far I’ve won some races, lost some more, and picked up a lot of points with clever strategies and hard racing. I never give up. I’m firmly in the hunt for the championship and these final two races are going to be the biggest of my life. The pressure is mounting but I’m not scared. I feel a duty to represent all the Toads and Toadettes of the Mushroom Kingdom. I’m going to do it for them.

toadletter

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Splatfest – Dogs vs Cats (EU/AUS)

Every few weeks the Inklings gather for a festival like no other. Splatfest pits two teams against each other, providing contrasting topics to debate over and throw ink at. Smack talk is laid down, drawings flood the Miiverse, and splats come loaded with purpose. This week it’s Dogs vs Cats, and I’ve just put on my Splatfest Tee to represent Team Dog. First, let’s take a walk around Inkopolis and absorb the atmosphere!

splatfestlights

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Majora’s Mask 3D – The Legend of Clock Town

majoradawn1day

Good morning everyone. Looks like we’re in for another lovely day as the sun spreads it’s colourful rays over the hills and under the clouds. Everyone’s up bright and early to make the most of it. Workers are preparing for the Carnival, shops are set up to rake in the rupees, dogs are barking, kids are playing, and the Postman trots along in a sweat, already struggling to keep up with the day’s letters. I’d expect nothing less in Clock Town, the busiest place in the world. With a staggering population of 26 there is always something going on here. The Mayor is being indecisive as always, while the soldiers and council workers go about their usual debate routine. I’m excited for the big fireworks in 3 days, but there’s a hint of doubt in the air. The soldiers are saying it’s too dangerous and there’s talk of workers slacking off, even leaving. Some even say the moon will fall. Pessimists, I say. Great excuse to get out of work. All the doom and gloom is mostly coming from the soldiers, all they do is stand there all day. The councilmen are determined to put on a good show, or all their hard work will have gone to waste. Just the usual bickering. The moon does look big and nasty, but it’s so far away right? Even though it’s harmless I can’t help but stare at it.

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Let’s get HYPED for Metroid Prime: Federation Force!!

The build up to E3 this year saw the hype train going at full speed. With Nintendo’s show being a big secret, everybody had their own wild predictions. However we saw one name mentioned more than most: Metroid. It just felt like it was “time” with Retro Studios project being a secret, and no real Metroid being released in almost a decade. I was hyped for this too, because why else would Retro Studios open a Twitter account right before E3? The gaming media also helped set up the disappointment, with articles like “Why Metroid should be announced” and “Metroid Prime devs tease E3” right before E3. It wasn’t “Donkey Kong devs tease E3” despite that being their most popular, and most recent game. So when you deconstruct this hype, it didn’t follow much solid logic. Does it ever? Regardless, expectations were set to Metroid and hopes were high. Then we got this…

grantandcarolprime

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Game Journalists Are Not Covering Videogames

Videogame banter used to be simple. Whether it was opinions on a game or straight console war shitfights, people said what they were thinking. Xbox is a poorly made piece of shit. GameCube is a purple lunch box for babies. Playstation games are ugly like your Mum. Now days, you get banned for that kind of stuff on forums and that’s fair enough. It’s never nice to insult people or trash talk for the sake of it. However I’m beginning to feel the landscape of passive-aggressive assumptions we have now is even more toxic. There’s this illusion that things are more “civilised” in the gaming community, created by ever growing concern for social issues and a set of universal standards games are being judged on. As a result of this social narrative becoming popular and generating clicks, every game coming out is being judged by the same set of rules, regardless of whether or not it makes sense in the game’s own context as a playable videogame.

igntriforceofbullshit

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Part of the Nintendo Difference: E3 2001

As a follow-up to my previous E3 scan, here’s some subtle marketing Nintendo spread around E3 2001, again, on the back of the E3 Show Daily magazines. Checkout the “interesting” front covers, too, and maybe you’ll question how there could be any excitement for such an unappealing video game industry at the time (as presented by the magazine). “Doug Lowensteins’ State of the Industry 2000-2001 Report: IDSA findings indicate games are fully mainstream…” Yes!…? Wait, is that really a good thing or a bad thing?
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