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Uncategorized STUFF

Iwata Asks: Michael Pachter – The Lost Interview

A few months ago, expert internet hackers discovered a “lost” Iwata Asks interview between Nintendo president Satoru Iwata and gaming industry analyst Michael Pachter. After braving multiple contract loopholes, shark tanks and Jim Sterling’s rolls of fat, I’ve managed to get a hold of this insightful interview. Enjoy!

IWATA: Today I will be interviewing Michael Pachter, a professional gaming guesser.
PACHTER: Actually Iwata-san, the correct term is “analyst”.
IWATA: Oh, is that what they call people like you? I didn’t know that was actually a thing.
PACHTER: Right…
IWATA: Please tell me about your job, Pachter. I would really like to know how you come up with 2 + 2 = 7. Last I remember, it equals four. (laughs)
PACHTER: My job is to analyze and make predictions for companies who require my advice.
IWATA: That must be some high-end advice, did the cost of your guesses cause them to lay off employees and go out of business?
PACHTER: No.
IWATA: Are you sure? I think they deserve a refund since you seem to always be wrong about us.
PACHTER: That isn’t true.
IWATA: (laughs) Are you predicting you are right in that reply? (laughs)
PACHTER: You should make a system that I can grasp the concept of, it will sell well out of the gate.
IWATA: Our apologies you can’t understand a controller concept or basic math, Pachter-san. (laughs) By the by, how did those predictions of Vita taking away 3DS’ marketshare going?
PACHTER: [silence]
IWATA: Just recently, you said our fanbase sucks and they only buy Nintendo games?
PACHTER: Yes, that is correct.
IWATA: Can’t really blame them, we do actually beta test our games properly (laughs). So, how many internet hits did you get this time?
PACHTER: I don’t know what you mean…
IWATA: Did our Wii marketshare catch you off guard? Oh wait, yes it did. You ‘predicted’ the PS3 would take it easily.
PACHTER: [silence]
IWATA: Don’t worry Pachter-san, we still respect you as a one-man comedy routine.

Telegames presents Ultimate Delay Games

So, while browsing the barren wasteland that is the DS’ upcoming release schedule, I stumbled upon Puzzle Overload – a collection of 1001 various logic puzzles. Clearly enough to warrant a mental breakdown. “Wow,” I didn’t proclaim, quickly averting my eyes to the next game on th-waaait a second! Telegames! Telegames’ logo was on the box. The Telegames.

Telegames honestly fascinates me, and not just because they survived their eyebrow-raising attraction to both the Atari Jaguar and Lynx (responsible for bringing over a handful of big name titles such as Double Dragon and Worms along with all their original work). After framing their award for “only third party publisher who gave a shit,” Telegames would then go on to dominate the PlayStation and Game Boy Advance with games such as uh, Santa Claus Saves the Earth. They have managed to barely exist like this since the ColecoVision and 2600 days.

Oh, good.

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A Bad Game Won’t Kill You

In primitive times we had to be careful. Lions, Bears, Dinosaurs, and Rose Lappin all wanted to kill us with their fiery claws and talons, and they didn’t need a killing license to do it. If you slept in the wrong cave you would die from a spider or snake. Today, we can all walk around in relative peace, but it seems like the fear from those times still remains inside us. The lion is now the Wii, threatening your idle-handed living room comfort. The bear is a casual non-gamer, arrogantly having fun with inferior technology. Dinosaurs are fanboys of a game or system you don’t own, and they must all be killed. Rose Lappin is still alive.


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3DS XL – Get Over It

Despite the fact that the 3DS XL is fixing the flaws that plagued the original 3DS (screen size, battery life, ergonomic feel), Nintendo’s ‘fans’ are still upset because it’s not the revision they wanted, despite the fact they already have this revision, quite possibly since 2005/2006. So what is all this whiny shitfest all about?

Like a stripper taking her clothes off.
Nintendo giving you the middle finger you all deserve.

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Nintendo Direct – Better Than E3?

“Great stuff, Nintendo really did hold back at E3!”

“Only Nintendo could royally screw up the biggest trade show of the year but absolutely DESTROY a random Thursday at midnight.”

“Nintendo doesn’t really give a shit about E3 (and maybe any press events) anymore. They love Nintendo Direct. “

“That was approximately a billion times better than E3”

“Way better than E3!”

About A Billion Times Better

I’m pretty excited about Animal Crossing and the new 3DS redesign, but the internet is just too easy to make fun of right now. Nintendo Direct had a successful community reaction because it came out of the blue and completely bypassed all expectations and hype the media likes to sling around. Nintendo found the winning formula for releasing information: talking directly to the fans.

Sorry gaming press, you fucked up and now Nintendo doesn’t need you.

XSEED Localizing The Last Story – And So Much More

On the impulse to find a source copy of the latest The Last Story trailer (the yankee release is, oh shit – next month), I hit up the goog in an effort to find a backdoor to XSEED Games’ PR site. I found something else entirely.

SafeSearch is off

I knew XSEED has had reasonable success in bringing various titles to the West, but many never guessed they had the reputation or resources to take on The Last Story. This alternative revenue stream must’ve been the key to securing Nintendo’s trust. However, following that particular link doesn’t direct you to the pre-order bonus.

LOL VIAGRA
THIS LINK TRICKED ME
THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH VIAGRA
– Bill Aurion, tricked by a search link

Hopefully you can find the correct link on XSEED’s online store and successfully score the game-enhancing pre-order bonus (always 15% off for all reorders, free samples for all orders, 100% quality – oh my).

Prepare for an epic adventure with your Wii next month.

I was into the Humble Bundle before it was cool

As a leading trendsetter and self proclaimed hipster, I support independent artists in all fields before they sellout and become mainstream. The indie Humble Bundle is no different. Of course, a true connoisseur of gaming like myself bought the very first bundle which included the sublime World of Goo. I already owned World of Goo but it deserved more of my money. Now Humble Bundle V is out with a star studded lineup including Amnesia: The Dark Descent, the bigger budget version of Penumbra: Overture from the original bundle. In just ten hours they’ve already surpassed the money raised in the original bundle. This increasing popularity has a dark edge though, and I eluded to it the last time I promoted a Humble Bundle on this site.

Finally all the usual faggots are using it as an opportunity to promote their twitter accounts by donating obscene amounts. Must be nice to be Notch. Pietriots cannot afford such extravagance.
– Me, telling it like it is.

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The (open) world needs more Red Faction: Guerrilla

2009’s sledgehammer-swinging simulator Red Faction: Guerrilla ended up being one of those games for me. As in a ‘whoa, this is what I dreamed the future of video games would be like as a kid’ type revelation. Emerged from deep within the dustiest corners of my mind; created over countless weekends of rental regrets. While I may have technically been playing the likes of Virtual Bart or Brutal: Paws of Fury, I was actually elsewhere – looking forward to a distant time where a game would reward me for driving a truck into the side of a building to somehow complete a rescue mission which should have required a certain degree of care and planning.

Now you can do the whole ‘walking away from an explosion in the distance’ thing every three seconds

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