Pietriots Man of the Year – Nominees

The Pietriots Man of the Year is our annual award honouring individuals for their contribution to gaming drama during the calender year. Everyday gaming news tragics like me devour the latest corruption and sex scandals that engulf the gaming industry. It’s easy to get so caught up in the melodramatics that you lose the time to play games! Not that it matters though as many of this year’s nominees were more entertaining than the games they were invovled with. So without further ado, here are the nominees for the 2012 Pietriots Man of the Year.

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How To Review A Videogame – 5 Easy Steps

The past week has been an eye-opener. It seems Wii U has exposed a lot of people in the media who don’t play games, with a string of lazy reviews copied from a press release or previous version of the game. It’s a tough life playing games for a living, especially during a console launch when there’s just too many games to play! Just thinking about all those games makes me sick, so I’ve put together a quick guide to help struggling journalists get through this tough time.

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I’ve got $10, let’s go game shopping – November 2012

While they’re fun to work up an increased heart rate to over the internet, video games can cost a lot of money. This is not much of a secret; it wouldn’t be worthy of a TV special. Video games are typically much more expensive than a bag of ice, but less than three blocks of LEGO. With new release titles costing an average of $625,000 each, plus additional day-one paid DLC (to unlock access beyond their title screen) in the vicinity of three million dollars, just what can a mere $10 get you these days?

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Hey U – Give Me Real Controls

The Wii Remote & Nunchuk was last generation’s innovation in violence – still strong today, still better than the competition. This was the method of controlling the last true console Resident Evil experience the world would know: The Umbrella Chronicles.

For the previous console cycle, there’s a seldom-stated lesson Capcom briefly learned (see RE4:Wii) then immediately forgot (see their “HD” games): if you’re pretending to KILL in a video game, do it properly. It’s just a shame we don’t have to pretend anymore: modern games, such as Capcom’s premiere action series, have gotten so smart that they play themselves (step aside Super Guide). The games don’t hesitate to handle much of the excitement on their own, and work hard to convince us that quick-button-context-flashback-retrospection-cutscene was an artistic achievement (“Best QTE of 2012,” is there such a thing?). Opponents of violent gaming love to point out how video games “teach kids how to kill”, but I know that’s rubbish cuz most games suck at that, especially as more games suck at being games. It’s supposed to be like watching a movie, right? Why not an effing GAME? Thru these last couple generations of analog masturbation, popular shooters have more or less surpassed “REALISTIC EVERYTHING” – nevermind the gameplay. And in a (not really) fun twist, “more realism” cheerfully graduated to “more Hollywood”; new gameplay became movies that look like gameplay. “Wow, it’s like playing a game,” – thanks, my confidence in the new generation is at an all-time high.

Before proceeding, I want to be clear that the major ideas in the blocks of text below don’t necessarily apply to every genre or gameplay mechanic. Many of our favorites are derived from things like tennis, team sports, board games, gambling, mazes, vehicles, boxing puppets, and Donkey Kong – there’s no reason to mess with certain core elements. However, TANGIBLE VIRTUAL VIOLENCE has a raw, engrossing quality that the majority of the Industry has not been interested in embracing for some time; fluid human movements seek the spillage of human fluid, yet they insist gamers don’t like movement and just seek Mountain Dew. Trapped in the game industry’s electronic erection contest, the prestigious computing “arms race”, we continue enduring their fake war: fake gameplay and fake value. Cash and companies continue to perish in the high-priced struggle to show violence; rarely do we see genuine imagination towards playing violence. It doesn’t have to be this way; we can still search for decency. Aim off-screen and raise your real arms to rediscover what’s in front of you: the gameplay in your hands.

/wii joke

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FPS on Wii U, will Third Parties drop the ball again?

Anyone who played Conduit 2 knows how good the Wii controller feels for first-person shooters. Not because the game does anything amazing, but because High Voltage were one of the only developers to show up to the FPS party with a Wii game. Call of Duty players laughed at their primitive graphics, Halo players insulted their mothers, and Killzone players were too busy reconnecting to PSN. Not many developers were brave enough to try and sell a game on the absurd basis of “good controls”, so FPS were few and far between on Wii, with launch games Red Steel and Far Cry Vengeance still floating in the top tier of the genre after 6 years. Wii U is just around the corner and negates the graphics problem but brings a new problem: the tablet. The enticing features of the GamePad screen and it’s comfortable grip could doom us to another generation of analog stick shooting.

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Wreck-It Ralph Sequels and Games Announced

Hot off the successful debut of Disney’s Wreck-It Ralph in theaters and their groundbreaking purchase of Lucasfilm, Disney has entered a partnership with Pietriots to release additional movies and merchandise of the gaming-inspired universe on an annual basis. The new properties will demonstrate the momentum of this exciting franchise, as Disney aims to expand its video game operations and usurp Activision’s Skylanders.

The list of known films, to debut in theaters immediately following every E3 Expo, is presented below:

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One Hundred Mario Games In This Generation!

Which actually never happened…

After New Super Mario Bros. 2, gaming journalists complained Nintendo was releasing too many Mario games (and then they beg for more 3D ones afterwards), and is now a yearly franchise with hardly any difference and therefore sucks. This thought process further solidifies the fact gaming journalists are retarded, but why whine about something (because I r a game journalist too hur hur hur) when I can present hard evidence? Continue reading “One Hundred Mario Games In This Generation!”

Rumor: Chinese Kids Forced To Read Kotaku

Excited about the upcoming article from Kotaku? Don’t be. Unconfirmed reports confirm that China has the internet, and there are boys as young as 14-16 in China who either work or study, most likely in factories and buildings. These boys have allegedly been subjected to journalism of the lowest order. A supposed person with no name from an unidentified source has been monitoring the situation, and gave us a clear picture;

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EB Expo – Handheld Edition

Wii U may have been the big attraction, but 3DS was the real hero who kept us busy in the long lines. A dedicated gaming event like the EB Expo is perfect for StreetPass action, and I got tons. Popular games included “Health & Safety Information” and “System Settings” , which is “OK.. I guess”. Some guy went out of his way to show everyone he owned Etrian Odyssey III. Hardcore, dude. I rated you Fantastic! for your efforts.

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