Disaster: Day of Crisis

Title screen

A convoluted development and Reggie hating it was enough to turn most people away from Disaster: Day of Crisis. Hopefully in Valhalla, Moses will forgive these people and allow them the opportunity to enjoy this game in the afterlife.

You play as some guy. I can’t remember his name because he’s your generic all-American hero. You know the drill: high school football star, ex-Marine, closet homosexual. There’s one word that really describes him properly: dominator. This guy just dominates wherever he goes. Volcano exploding? He’ll just dominate that and run through fire. Special Forces holding hostages and a SWAT team getting shot to pieces? He’ll dominate that by running in in his tank top and hand gun. He gets involved in the story because his dead boyfriend’s sister was captured, she works as the secretary to a real man’s job – a seismologist – and as her only tenuous connection to the past the cops thought to bring him aboard in a giant scheme involving nuclear weapons and man-induced disasters.

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Don’t bother staying up for the Nintendo Press Conference

The year there are no speakers blaring Nintendo remixes or pop music, the scene is marked only by it’s deafening silence and the darkness is broken by only a solitary UV light, illuminating the journalist’s nametags alonge with white shirts, shoelaces, bleached hair and the teeth of both attendees who bothered to brush. … “ALLRIGHT LISTEN GEORGIE, I WANT YOU TO EXPLAIN TO ALL THE NAMELESS PEOPLE HERE WHY YOU’VE CHOSEN TO LEAVE NINTENDO” “Oh well see uh um that als-” He doesn’t finish as Reggie has kicked his arse , sending him flying clear of the stage in into Miyamoto’s moshpit of journalists.

I just got off the phone with Iwata and this is how it’ll go.

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Wii Want Our Money Back

As Wii tops sales charts worldwide, experts fear the current domination of Nintendo’s Wii system is a major threat to the stability of the gaming industry. A new study proves that if Wii continues to dominate, people will spend less money on gaming, which could force an alarming percentage of gaming developers out of business.

“I have Wii Sports, I don’t need any other games,” insisted a local resident we contacted, in a worrying statement. The general consensus from the gaming community is that Wii has downgraded videogaming from a serious hobby to merely a “fun” distraction.

Nintendo admits their main priority with Wii is making people have fun, but remain arrogant on its success. When questioned about the survival of other videogame makers, President of Nintendo of America Reggie Fils-Aime replied with “not my problem”.

Analysts previously felt that Wii was just having its moment and believed the fad would pass before doing too much serious damage, but uncertainty is starting to develop in even the most positive, and most industry analysts are now admitting things haven’t gone as planned and are closely monitoring the situation.

Observers are starting to discover loopholes in Nintendo’s strategy, as Wii owners currently endure a serious lack of new content. Experts warn that supply of Wii could be restricted for some time, and with consumers losing patience and PS3 getting more games released each year, things could very well get back to normal.

A former Nintendo employee agrees it’s only a matter of time before their “moment” is over. Keen industry observer MikeUS backed that up with his insight, “haha wii sounds like wee”.

Wii Breathes Life Into Gaming Industry

After suffering a steady decline over the last few years, sales of videogames are up over 55% over last year and there’s one key factor: the introduction of Nintendo’s new Wii system. Nearly six months after launch, keen consumers are still lining up for hours outside stores whenever a new shipment of Wii arrives. Such demand is unprecedented in the entire history of the gaming industry.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” commented local store owner John Fredward. “People are so excited when they can finally secure themselves a system, even when they have to trek here at 6am in the snow to get it.”

The key factor to its success is the introduction of a new way to play, which has given people who previously felt alienated from videogames a second chance. Nintendo’s Wii allows people to play games with unrestricted 3D movement simply by moving around the remote shaped controller. Son of a father of at least one, George Beating, proudly remarked, “my friends and family are actually excited about games again; Wii has a real friendly attractive vibe that just lets everyone let loose and have fun.”

Not only are consumers benefiting from Wii, but game developers are in heaven. “This system has given us a lot more to work with and given life to many ideas we’ve always wanted to realise.” Wii is much more developer-friendly than other systems and doesn’t require a huge money investment by the publisher, which is resulting in a huge barrage of games being released. The success of Wii is a win-win situation for the gaming industry and gamers, and it looks set to continue as Nintendo stocks rise to record highs.

OUTTA THE WAY DICKHEADS! Gran Turismo is here to save the next gen!

Oh man can you believe there are skeptics out there who doubt the revolutionary power of PS3’s Cell™ chip to change the way we think about games? I mean no game is a better showcase for Sony systems than Gran fucking Turismo, right? They haven’t even put gameplay into the previous four releases ensuring they totally focus on the graphics and hasn’t it shown?

Personally, I’m glad Polyphony Digital took the brave step of removing cars from the latest version of the game, which is also the first version of the game but now in HD! Genius. And don’t the latest screenshots just affirm this as the correct course of action? I’ve annotated all the new features of the game in case you’re an idiot who can’t see them from the crystal clear high definition screen capture. It’s fidelity is so high, in fact, that we can’t even contain it in our tiny column-based blog!

Gaming will be fun again!

I can’t wait.

Sonic Heroes

SONIC HEEEEROOOOOW BOATS

Sonic Team sat down and listened to the fans for this game. “Actually make Sonic the main focus, ditch the crap-rock, fix the camera!” they cried in absolute pain as Mr. Naka ran them over in his race car while listening to Crush 40.

“I DISLIKE YOUR COMMENTS AND WILL BECOME A SUCCESS IN THE UK, A HAW HAW HAW”

About an hour later, Sonic Heroes was finished and on retail shelves. What’s this? Sonic’s got team based sex antics going on now? Oh okay. This obviously requires several teams of freaks. Remember those idiots from Knuckles Chaotix? Of course you don’t, because the world was trying to forget them. BUT NO, Sega will jog your memory. “HERE’S ANGSTY PURPLE THING, HAPPY BEE AND BIG SLOW CROC” they yell as crumbs stick to your face.

In total, there’s four teams of three characters. Each fart around the very same levels, but with silly different bits of storyline that all eventually cross over. It’s a game about talking to dead people. Every team has a fast character, a flying character and a ANGRY BREAK DOWN WALLS character. ‘Cept Big the Cat’s angry in a ‘where’s my brain’ kind of way. You need to switch between these characters all the time. This manages to totally destroy the whole Sonic feel. You might be running really fast for a few seconds then UH OH it’s time to switch over to slow breaking down walls character to.. you know.. break down some walls that are there for no reason. I’m sure Robotnik (or Eggman as Sega like to call him now, another delightful decision) has nothing better to do than stroll down to the beach and put up some walls. “I enjoy long walks on the beach. So I can put some walls all over it”. The flying characters are typically there just so you can fly for a few seconds only to somehow glitch up and end up falling into an endless background JPEG. How can Cream even manage to lift Amy and Big? His name is Big for a reason (THIS IS NOT SEX RELATED). Cream’s arms should totally break off and blood would cover the entire level. Knuckles would be all “hooo-waaaah”.

Sonic Team attempted to give some of the levels a retro look. The checkerboard textures that were very present in Sonic 1 are back on the Seaside Something or Other level, there’s a new Casino level. And um. There’s a level that’s.. er.. has the word Metropolis in it. Sadly, the levels are very VERY poorly designed. Very. They drag on for far too long, typically have very little checkpoints and require more rail grinding or breaking stuff than running. In fact, you won’t be running much in this game at all. Doing so could result in death, thanks to the return of terrible camera man (Lakitu’s confused cousin) and some shocking clipping. There’s an entire level called Rail Canyon. Can you guess what this level requires you to do? Sell ice cream. The fun part is where bomb trains crash into you and you witness the Game Over screen for the 7th time in the last three minutes. Jumping from rail to rail should of been easy, it’s not. There are times when you press left or right + jump and UH OH YOU’RE NOW SPAZING IN THE AIR? Death. To top this all off, Tails feels the need to yell “I’m falling!” when you’re falling. They’ve changed his voice actor for this game, too. I think they’re going for that three year old feel now.

When you get to a switch, one of the characters will insist on blurting out “I wonder what this switch will do?” WELL JESUS, I DUNNO. MAYBE IT’LL MAKE ENEMIES APPEAR LIKE THE OTHER SEVEN HUNDRED HAVE? Music is another sore point. Once again, we have the pleasure of dreadful rock music and other depressing lack of melody lack of meaning music to fall down holes to. Though I did rather enjoy Casino Park’s music, it was catchy as hell. Too bad the level involved confusing pinball machines of doom.

The game will last you a long time, I spose. If you can be bothered to play the same levels as the other characters (which you’ll need to do in order to actually complete it). There’s a sad 2 player mode where you fall down holes together, also. I think the game also has an options menu. Some stuff just doesn’t work in 3D. Sonic’s that stuff. I can’t wait for the Shadow the Hedgehog game. WATCH OUT PRINCE OF PERSIA.

This game gets two breadrolls out of a bakers dozen.

Fuck the Nokia N-Gage

There is nothing engaging abut the N-Gage. Seriously, fuck this sideways taco phone. $600 bucks? Are you fucking shitting me, Nokia? I’m hating their ads the most though. Lucky they’re just way too easy to make fun of.

One of the shittier websites I sometimes visit incorporated the N-Gage into their entire layout.

And they’ve got their fucken social website for whatever where you have to post a picture of yourself with your N-Gage. God, if I ever see someone with an N-Gage in real life I will just outright laugh at them. Fucking morons.