Iwata Asks: Michael Pachter – The Lost Interview

A few months ago, expert internet hackers discovered a “lost” Iwata Asks interview between Nintendo president Satoru Iwata and gaming industry analyst Michael Pachter. After braving multiple contract loopholes, shark tanks and Jim Sterling’s rolls of fat, I’ve managed to get a hold of this insightful interview. Enjoy!

IWATA: Today I will be interviewing Michael Pachter, a professional gaming guesser.
PACHTER: Actually Iwata-san, the correct term is “analyst”.
IWATA: Oh, is that what they call people like you? I didn’t know that was actually a thing.
PACHTER: Right…
IWATA: Please tell me about your job, Pachter. I would really like to know how you come up with 2 + 2 = 7. Last I remember, it equals four. (laughs)
PACHTER: My job is to analyze and make predictions for companies who require my advice.
IWATA: That must be some high-end advice, did the cost of your guesses cause them to lay off employees and go out of business?
PACHTER: No.
IWATA: Are you sure? I think they deserve a refund since you seem to always be wrong about us.
PACHTER: That isn’t true.
IWATA: (laughs) Are you predicting you are right in that reply? (laughs)
PACHTER: You should make a system that I can grasp the concept of, it will sell well out of the gate.
IWATA: Our apologies you can’t understand a controller concept or basic math, Pachter-san. (laughs) By the by, how did those predictions of Vita taking away 3DS’ marketshare going?
PACHTER: [silence]
IWATA: Just recently, you said our fanbase sucks and they only buy Nintendo games?
PACHTER: Yes, that is correct.
IWATA: Can’t really blame them, we do actually beta test our games properly (laughs). So, how many internet hits did you get this time?
PACHTER: I don’t know what you mean…
IWATA: Did our Wii marketshare catch you off guard? Oh wait, yes it did. You ‘predicted’ the PS3 would take it easily.
PACHTER: [silence]
IWATA: Don’t worry Pachter-san, we still respect you as a one-man comedy routine.

Reggie Play: Motion – Videos

The REGGIE SERIES is BACK, barely ahead of some JRPG that a handful of psychos cried for. NOA REGGIE ignored their grievances, spending his time more wisely by Wii-Playing with himself.

It’s been more than a year since Wii Play: Motion arrived, and like it or not, it offered a few glimpses of near-future gameplay elements Nintendo demonstrated in 2011 via 3DS and the upcoming Wii U. It explored additional curiosities beyond Wii Sports Resort, bringing another variety of “basic” motion concepts to life with effective results. Shamefully, the MotionPlus possibilities were hardly revisited in the context of more “complete” products by other game makers (aside from disastrous gimmicks on other systems) until the release of Skyward Sword. Wii Play: Motion is not robust – this 12-mini-game demo pack was never priced to be – but it is somewhat diverse, and some mini-games surprisingly have a lot more content than others (the very term “mini-game” is a bit misleading, making it sound like a one-shot deal worth only a minute before moving on to something new; each activity has a varying number of single and/or multiplayer modes, stages, and difficulty like its predecessor), but you can’t really count on journalists like GI-GN’s Gerstmasamassina to share useful information, can you. To top it off, these itty-bitty games actually work – no privacy-invading webcams and neon balls to calibrate.

Anyway, I have some inappropriate video and gameplay to observe. Reggie demonstrates.

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Decathlon 2012 – Running at three frames per 100 metres

“Sweet moves, Beef McGravy!”
“Thanks, coach! It was all thanks to your constant harassment and sharp-edged threats that I’m here today, competing for my country in the Olympics.”
“The what – the what did you say?! I’ll cut’cha with my axe! This is the Decathlon 2012, son! Go for bronze!”
Continue reading “Decathlon 2012 – Running at three frames per 100 metres”

Vacation Isle: Beach Party

This is how Vacation Isle began development. A bunch of guys sitting around a table, aspiring to rip off a 9 year old water ripple that some guy at Nintendo did in 2 weeks. Well they succeeded, the water looks pretty good. Unfortunately they were SO EXCITED, they forgot to make the rest of the game before shipping the disc. Who can blame them though? Mario Sunshine has great looking water! Continue reading “Vacation Isle: Beach Party”

Telegames presents Ultimate Delay Games

So, while browsing the barren wasteland that is the DS’ upcoming release schedule, I stumbled upon Puzzle Overload – a collection of 1001 various logic puzzles. Clearly enough to warrant a mental breakdown. “Wow,” I didn’t proclaim, quickly averting my eyes to the next game on th-waaait a second! Telegames! Telegames’ logo was on the box. The Telegames.

Telegames honestly fascinates me, and not just because they survived their eyebrow-raising attraction to both the Atari Jaguar and Lynx (responsible for bringing over a handful of big name titles such as Double Dragon and Worms along with all their original work). After framing their award for “only third party publisher who gave a shit,” Telegames would then go on to dominate the PlayStation and Game Boy Advance with games such as uh, Santa Claus Saves the Earth. They have managed to barely exist like this since the ColecoVision and 2600 days.

Oh, good.

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