It’s hard to believe that here in 2011, the government still thinks that race and religion matter. In our brave new post-ironic economy, you too should claim to be of video game decent. At least until they ask us what our favourite bands are on the form.
Doctor Lautrec Collector’s Edition Announced
Charles, here.
It is with great ecstasy that I announce the Limited Collector’s Edition of Doctor Lautrec and the Forgotten Knights, arriving to the Nintendo Three D. S. (Discouraging Sales) in proper English. This rare package is decorated with a portrait of myself, as the official spokesmodel of the franchise, executing the role of the dangerously handsome Dr. Jean-Pierre Lautrec.
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Unlikely Partnerships – A Tale of Two Detectives
King of the Jungle
It’s 2 am.
We just held a party at this house. Pre-drinks included some sort of Wii Fit Plus championship. It was Ok. Obviously I didn’t take part because Wii Fit Plus is an uncool, casual, kiddy extravaganza, and any fun the party guests were having was just hollow, fake fun, compared to the hardcore gaming experiences they could be having. Their laughter, hollow, fake laughter. Obviously such shallow gameplay couldn’t hold them so we had to walk to the pub to continue the night. We arrived at the pub and they said they were closing, the bottleshop was still open so we bought a couple more cartons and walked home, knowing only the despair of Wuhu Island awaited us.
Upon returning, the unwashed masses returned to their Wii Sports Resort and Wii Fit Plus, gleaming whatever hollow enjoyment they could out of the household’s two Wii boxes; the second Wii, purchased by my casual gaming housemate, symbolising the kind of callous opulence Australians lived in during the naive days of Emperor Rudd and his economic stimulus packages. The other hardcore gamers and I discussed hardcore subjects like international communism, capitalist-anachronism, and the scourge of democracy in holding back this society from ideological purity. But as the beer and goon ran dry, so too did the crowd thin out, the short lived thrills of Wii Basketball running thin. Desperate for companionship, and the cheeseburgers retrieved from the mainstream, 24 hour Mcdonalds, the hardcore gamers and I went back to the living room.
“What silly game are the bongo drums for?” asked the most beautiful girl in attendance. I glanced over at the gimmicky, novelty plastic drums and fished out the game so desperately attached to them, so obviously strangled at the design stage and shoehorned with ridiculous sound based controls.
There are so many ways you could demean this game.
F***heads – Iwata on a Mission
Vanquish – Impressions
Vanquish! Finally, a game with guns, soldiers and robots. IN SPACE! This unique concept is the latest blockbuster from all star development team PlatinumGames, I’ve been playing the 360 version recently and here’s what I think so far.
3DS Wall Update
Hey, how have you guys been?
What?
Where have I been?
Mostly looking for work which is pretty hard to find where I am. I know I promised bimonthly updates to the Wall, but truth be told not a lot of movement in 3DS games happened initially after the first publication.
But enough about that, let’s get down to brass tacks. As usual, the only criteria is that a company has to have released a game or have finalized (or near such) boxart with a release date. Boxarts are followed by GameRankings Averages of each title and the company’s library as a whole.
Humble Bundle #3
Two updates in a row! But I feel it’s important to get on these things. Humble Bundle 3 is out now! And this time it features a game I loved a lot; VVVVVV!
Also featured are And Yet it Moves, Cogs, Crayon Physics and Hammerfight. I can’t comment on the latter two but And Yet it Moves is surreal platforming brilliance while Cogs is an ok puzzler. Apparently VVVVVV includes a level editor this time around – and in any case you’re supporting indie developers and charity! So get over to humblebundle.com and name your price.
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Two ways to do a content subscription service
Those of you who’ve been paying careful attention to Electronic Arts, and really you have no excuse not to, would know they’re pretty interested in this whole internet thing and how it could be leveraged to provide a constant revenue stream from increasingly dependent consumers. They’ve been pulling their games from Steam and relaunched Origin, the developer of Ultima they purchased a decade ago, as a digital distribution client, the only place to buy new multi million dollar MMO: Star Wars: The Old Republic. And then they ruined my birthday by announcing a subscription service to their sports games.
Now here’s what EA are planning to do.
- The privilege of downloading their sports games a few days before EB Games put it on display and slap pre-owned stickers on last year’s edition.
- Discounts on downloadable content, including on disc DLC.
- Permission to use that purchased content on future roster updates.
- Stats recorded on a webpage that you can browse with your internet communication gizmo.
- A little badge so everyone knows you’re an idiot paying for the above.
I know right, some sort of joke. The very fact that EA’s offering, if I can indulge you and call it that, can be summarised down to five bulletpoints shows you everything wrong with their approach. You can’t summarise Xbox Live or Steam in 5 dot points and you shouldn’t be able to summarise EA’s either. If EA want to charge a subscription then they have to at least be on that level, offer a service of their own on the scale of Xbox Live. They’re a big company and their sport games cater to a big market – they can do it. God knows they want to do it but they’re too cowardly to try. The next few paragraphs I’m going to envision how they should run a subscription service that fosters the kind of sycophantic devotees, who’ll maintain their subscriptions indefinitely.
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Majin and the Forsaken Kingdom
The Forsaken Kingdom is a land that’s been taken over by darkness for 100 years. Water is disappearing, trees are dying, and the great guardian Majin has been held captive by dark soldiers. As a thief, it’s your job to save the Majin, then travel the land searching for the great fruit needed to restore the giant Majin’s powers to what they once were. It’s the only hope against the darkness.
How I fell in love with Dragon Quest
Dragon Quest has gone from being a series I’d never played or cared for, to one of my favourite series in gaming in the space of a year. It all started with the release of Dragon Quest IX; I decided to give it a chance because I love most other RPGs on DS and I wanted to see what the series was all about. IX seemed like the most accessible one yet, and the canvass mode also intrigued me.
Digital Chocolate will not be served at Nintendo’s Cafe
In a shock opinion that’s shocked a few people somewhere, some guy who used to work on stuff has declared this the future of gaming,
Not only is this the future, but it’s good enough to kick Nintendo out of the videogame market. How does that work, you say? Free flash games, a threat to Nintendo’s business? Well Trip Hawkins, the man behind Digital Chocolate, makes some very good points. He’s come out and criticised Nintendo for not using the world wide web and creating companies with open platform game.. something.. or some shit. I don’t know what he’s f**king saying but it’s not good. This guy made the 3DO so he knows what he’s talking about. It all results in Nintendo going bankrupt and being forced into the dark age to build things out of scrap metal.
F**k it, no-one cares. I just wanted to use the headline.
From Chat: 9 minutes in Hyrule
Pro was sampling some Legend of Rehash 3D during a chat. Somehow, old gaming led to current events.
Pro Daisy: ok, Wind Waker’s most important innovation is the R-trigger block pull
Pro Daisy: none of this climb/grab bullshit
Pro Daisy: uh oh, link is in the garden, CALL HOMELAND SECURITY
Bill Aurion: haha, yeah, climb/grab is annoying, particularly when you are in a hurry (after hitting a timed switch)
Pro Daisy: castle courtyard
Pro Daisy: this is my big chance
Pro Daisy: to kill zelda
Pro Daisy: if i kill her now, none of this Celda, this Waggle, this Wii would’ve happened
Pro Daisy: change the course of history forever
Bill Aurion: can’t change DESTINY
Pro Daisy: how did i get past the guards? fake ID and shoe bombs
Pro Daisy: this scene in the courtyard with zelda… has huge significance in the industry
Pro Daisy: i bet this is where many future game designers began their “games are art” erections
Pro Daisy: “I am Zelda, Princess of Hyrule. What is your name?”
Pro Daisy: “…”
“MY NAME IS REGGIE”
Pro Daisy: “Strange… it sounds shomehow… familiar.”
“You saw our E3 presentation?”
Grubdog: the triforce of KICKIN ASS
Grubdog: the triforce of TAKIN NAMES
Grubdog: the triforce of MAKIN GAMES
Pro Daisy: 
!!
Bill Aurion: the triforce of NOT LOCALIZING GAMES
Grubdog: thats covered in #2
Bill Aurion: HRRRRN 
Retroactive Video Updates
For citizens that like their online video to look like mud, I embedded clips into some old articles to help (quickly) illustrate the points I was trying to make (some dining establishments have pictures in their menus for a reason, right?). Trying to make a habit out of this to be consistent with future poasts.
You’re playing it wrong – The Crystal Bearers
Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz FPS Videos
Whatever the hell YouTube’s 480p setting is… isn’t. >=[
Operation Rainfall’s biggest challenge
It’s not from Nintendo. It’s not language barriers or translation issues. It’s not some greedy CEO who gets a hard-on from punishing people. It’s the gaming media, and so called “fans” who are threatening boycotts and trolling Wii just like they’ve been doing since 2006.
Pietriots 