Why GameInformer Makes Me Want To Punch A Kitten

Here we have a lovely piece about one of the greatest games of the last decade, Xenoblade Chronicles. It’s an “amazing game” says the author, Chris Warcraft of GameInformer. It features an “epic storyline” with “engaging characters” and “fresh combat”.

However.

Let’s instead talk about the one bad thing. WHY ISN’T IT IN HIGH DEFINITION? Why does a Nintendo-developed game have to be on a NINTENDO SYSTEM?

480p? What is this, the stoneage?

I’m a journalist on the internet, so I will now exaggerate a bit more in case people think my point is weak. WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS BRAINDEAD JOURNALIST TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY TO TALK ABOUT A WONDERFUL GAME THEN SHIT ALL OVER IT’S FOUNDERS? I can’t decide whether the technical limitations of this guys brain make me want to projectile vomit or take a 12-gauge to my monitor, and it makes me angry enough to write a whiny article and hold GameInformer accountable, because the game deserves much better. Xenoblade deserves more than a jagged-edged fuzzy rant. It deserves more than a gasping fish flopping up and down on a keyboard forming words. Notice the hyphen in jagged-edged, dickhead. It’s not a band.

Here’s what REALLY got me, the huge contradiction that INSPIRED me to give a shit and flop around in true journalistic fashion,

“I honestly believe that Xenoblade Chronicles could have been this generation’s Final Fantasy VII”

FINAL FANTASY VII – THIS

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? It’s a technical juggernaut, that’s what. Step the fuck aside N64, you’ve got nothing. This was the defining game of the generation because of its graphics.

<deep breath>

Even GREAT GAMES have become reasons to troll Nintendo now. Can you POSSIBLY IMAGINE why they’d be hesitant to release something like this to the western media? The SAME MEDIA who criticised Nintendo for holding back games like this?

I for one am sick and tired of it. I’m tired of paid game journalists shitting on their responsibility to objectively review content. I’m tired of seeing Mario games relegated to “casual” quick-snip comments, Im tired of The Legend of Zelda being swept aside in a shitstorm as an example of an UGLY MUDDY BROWN game. I’m tired of Xenoblade Chronicles, the game everyone asked for, being thrown under a bus and used as an example of WHAT’S WRONG. It was wrong when we WEREN’T GETTING IT.

Xenoblade on Wii looks better than most 360 games I own – resolution means jack shit. How did videogames ever make it through three decades if they were all ugly and underpowered? I can still be amazed by my N64; good design will always be evident no matter what the limitations are. Limitations are FOREVER EXPANDING – how can you ever appreciate anything with this mindset? Xenoblade on Wii U would look ugly in ten years in this journalist’s eyes. It’s a destructive way of thinking and this guy should be muted, not quoted.

But hey; hits, drama. CONFLICT! Not the best way to generate traffic, but certainly the easiest. Thanks for the free rant.

21 thoughts on “Why GameInformer Makes Me Want To Punch A Kitten”

  1. Don’t be so hard on Game Informer. The only way they survive is by pandering to anti-Nintendo sentiments…

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  2. I’m also trying to work out this kid. He’s not GameInformer staff, but he does have 50,000 twitter followers and GI did endorse his rambling blog post in their official features feed. Game Informer itself is also very obviously and provably bankrolled by gaming’s vested interests and exist soley to hype up blockbuster releases to secure EB/Gamestop pre-orders.

    The fundamental flaw is that his blog is really a criticism of the Wii hardware, a well trodden and agreed upon as correct argument but he’s roped Xenoblade Chonicles, gaming’s greatest achievement, into it somehow. If anything Monolith need to be commended and rewarded with unlimited sexual access to the world’s finest supermodels for the technical achievements they made on a machine that is basically a 2002 iMac.

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    1. Nintendo should be commended for allowing this game to exist and not turn out like the so-few other JRPGs out there that decided to pursue high-pixel artistic dreams at the cost of their dev/pub livelihoods and ultimately the genre’s current decimated population thanks to ass-exploding budgets and drawn-out development cycles leading to less releases, less “risk-taking” (expensive graphics? not a risk), and visually pretty but pretty “meh” experiences destined for the fabled “PS2 audience” that never quite came back to ensure the prosperity of a high-end-high-priced-andhighlydelusional industry. There’s a popular word these days that marks this reality: “decline.”

      Nintendo should also be commended for `buying` Monolithsoft and ensuring they won’t churn out RPG products for other systems, just as Nintendo secured Dragon Quest and (to an extent) Monster Hunter for this current generational transition, leaving “everyone else” to place their hopes in a 3rd generation of “FFVII remake” myths and a damaged “mainline FF” franchise.

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      1. It still boggles my mind Nintendo still supports Capcom after the Mega Man Legends 3 shitfest.

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      2. Matto: Nintendo’s been working very hard at securing key exclusives that would directly cripple Sony’s “potential” in Japan, despite the collateral damage caused to lesser/dead franchises. Notice how grey President Iwata’s hair has become – not only is it stress and age, but he’s slowly cultivating his corporate FIST to finalize his transformation as Yamauchi’s successor in time for the Wii U launch. No one will be prepared for it.

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  3. Hahahaha Gameinformer, like always your never fail to amuse me in how retarded you all are.

    Super Mario Galaxy 2 easily a ten? Oh nope it isn’t because said game reviewer found some levels TOO HARD and kept losing 1ups. Said game journalists complained about SMG1 being easy. The kicker? MARIO GALAXY 2 HAS THE SUPER GUIDE.

    Paper Mario 2 is the most hilarious and worth while follow-up to a Mario RPG (and I’m intently looking forward to the 3DS game). Gameinformer thinks its great, BUT NOPE! It gets a six out of ten because the story is stupid to them.

    Damn it Grubdog, I had such a good week and now I’m angry at gaming media again. I want it back. >:U

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  4. Wow this article from game Informer. I am not sure what to say about it.
    Where to start… That is clearly a hit piece from GI. It draws you in and then knocks you down.

    As for your piece Grubdog it is over the top for a reason to get your attention and to point out things and not just to get at your emotions like the other article does.

    For your point on the N64 and PS1 eras yeah that is pretty much true. Those were the points were 3D were just being started really and when next batch of systems comes out 10 years down the line those systems will look dated.

    Anyway I think I need to go listen to some music for a bit to try to calm myself down. I just woke up a little while ago. .

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  5. Uh… It’s an OPINION piece by a guest writer who kicks footballs in the NFL. Just gonna point that out…

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      1. Exactly.

        I didn’t really expect someone to actually try to defend that thing but MadSaum, Grubdog gave his reasons to why that review thing was fucking stupid.

        And how the fuck does a football player become a game journalist?

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    1. Tragically, he’s probably contributed more to society with this opinion piece than anytime he’s kicked the pigskin during the big game. But earnt less for it.

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  6. Grubdog, hopefully this will ease your broken heart, but Angelo (PixlAJ) gave a good review for Xenoblade and its our top visited feature on PixlBit right now.

    Every little bit counts, no?

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    1. ONLY 4 and a half stars out of 5? FLAMING BAGS OF POO COMING TO YOUR DOORSTEP!

      It’s a fantastic review, I could never find the words to do a proper one. Kudos.

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  7. “How did videogames ever make it through three decades if they were all ugly and underpowered? I can still be amazed by my N64; good design will always be evident no matter what the limitations are. Limitations are FOREVER EXPANDING – how can you ever appreciate anything with this mindset?”

    Omg, yes. Very well said. A lot of gamers seem spoiled rotten, anymore.

    Like

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