Reggie and I had a coffee last week and we had a lot to catch up on. Turns out he’s been so busy kicking arse, taking names and running NOA that he hasn’t even had time to plan E3 in years, let alone get Fatal Frame 4 or Disaster: Day of Crisis localised. Who has been planning E3 then? You guessed it, Cammie Dunaway. Last E3 was a real kerfuffle if you recall my entry last year. Cammie told me they had already done the conference inside an L.A. McDonalds and it involved Reggie fighting everyone. You can just imagine my sense of betrayal when the actual conference took place and Reggie was restrained to talking about sales while Cammie embarrassed herself in front of the gaming community again. I was telling Reggie over coffee that it was these lies that forced me to sleep with Cammie’s daughter out of spite and cause the breakdown of our relationship.
It has to be said: Reggie is such an understanding and caring man. He looks me square in the eye and tells me that I did the right thing to cheat on Cammie with her daughter. He goes on though to explain that, despite my virtuous actions, Cammie had fallen into a state of despair. In her desperate state, the currently scheduled conference was to be her coming out on stage and performing interpretive dance of projected 2011 sales figures to the tune of a Super Mario Bros ringtone. Reggie explained that it was up to me to track Cammie down, cheer her up and deliver a solid E3 script. I asked if we needed a high concept one like my rejected Animal Crossing proposal or actually do the McDonald’s conference from last year. Reggie told me that we just had to keep it simple because planning time was short. Reggie payed for our coffee with a $100 note and left before they could give him change.
So firstly, tracking down Cammie. I was scheduled to fly to America around this time for a friend’s wedding but fortunately they broke up. It did mean though that all attempts to contact Cammie would have to be via the internet. She hadn’t been on my messenger client for months; I assume she blocked me and all attempts to phone her over either Skype or landline were ignored. She was clearly ignoring me. It was then that I heard a rumour she whittled away her time on ChatRoulette in a hopeless attempt to ward off the depression that is commonly associated with withdrawal from my cock. (That is withdrawal in the addiction sense, not contraception sense. I never use withdrawal as a contraceptive technique, that is reserved for Catholics and idiots.) So I bravely entered ChatRoulette in order to find her.
It took over 3 days of continuous rouletting but I found her. Well actually I found her twice previously but she quickly quit out each time so eventually I resorted to wearing my old Rose Lappin mask. This caught her attention and I somehow convinced her to talk with me. She took a little while to get settled but eventually she listened and when I laid out my plans she was ready to take me back. This is what I told her; and before I start I should stress I described the show in the past tense, as if it had already happened. I find when I do this there is less room for discussion and it sounds more authoritative if I tell her how it’s going to play out as if it already did.
Journalists arrive to find the theatre desolate and silent with only Reggie on stage and he looks furious. Once about half of all the invited people turn out, Reggie, now twitching from frustration, speaks: “WHAT IS WITH YOU SLIMEBALLS TAKING YOUR FUCKING TIME? I HAVE SHIT TO DO, PLACES TO BE AND ARSES TO KICK YET I FIND MYSELF WAITING FOR YOU CLOWNS SETTING UP YOUR WIRELESS DONGLE DO-HICKEYS SO YOU CAN TWEET MY EVERY MOVE TO THE CAPTIVE INTERNET AUDIENCE WHO I SHOULD POINT OUT ARE WAITING FOR YOU TOO!” As he carries on, Reggie continually motions towards his watch and displays other mannerisms of someone stressed due to time.
Cammie walks onto the stage. “Reggie would like you all to get seated quickly so you can place your finger in your own Wii Vitality Sensor found on the armrest. So could you be ever so kind and keep your left index finger inside the Vitality Sensor?” Behind Cammie a giant screen sparks into life with two pulsing red lines running seemingly erratically across it. “We’ll be tracking the collective, mean heart rate of the audience during the presentation so we have live feedback of just how excited everyone will be, and believe me we have some exciting things to share with you!”
“LET’S JUST GET ON WITH THIS!” Reggie booms. “CUE TRAILER!”
A wondrous trailer begins outlining Nintendo’s lineup for the next financial year. Metroid: Other M begins with extensive gameplay footage from the near-complete game. Excitement levels rise for Pikmin 3, The Last Story, and Xenoblade, but it is the Zelda footage that really gets the crowd pumping. Despite the large numbers of people suffering from high blood pressure in the crowd, they don’t quite reach the level of Reggie: Reggie’s level of agitation was palpable and his repeated glances at his wristwatch indicated much anxiety. The trailer ended on another piece of science fiction drama though. Appearing as split-screen gameplay, two Arwings are seen cutting through enemies in tandem and co-operatively take down a boss, eliciting many cheers from, uh, StarFox enthusiasts. Their joy suddenly turns to shock as during the end level cutscene, emerging from the Arwings are… humans, James McCloud sporting his trademark aviator sunglasses! StarFox: The Beginning flashes as the title card and the vast majority of the audience let out excited cheers for the bold new direction taken by this classic franchise.
Reggie calls for calm, “ALL RIGHT, SETTLE DOWN! I’M NOT REVEALING THE 3DS UNTIL YOU’RE ALL COMPLETELY SILENT!” A few suppressed whimpers are all that remain. Satisfied, Reggie pulls a Nintendo GAMECUBE from his wallet. “NOW YOU ALL KNOW WHAT THIS IS,” and the noticeable drop in the crowd’s heart rate shows they do. Reggie places an Animal Crossing disc in the machine, closes the lid and then, he folds it. People stand stunned at Reggie’s strength and dexterity, folding GAMECUBE components into one another. “CAMMIE! GIMMIE THAT WII!” Reggie politely asks pointing to the Wii used earlier for the StarFox demonstration. Cammie throws it towards Reggie. Reggie claps his hands together to catch the console, crushing the Wii between them in a puff of white dust. He inserts the card like Wii into his new creation. The Zelda ‘new item’ jingle plays and Reggie thrusts his small device to the sky. “THIS! IS THE 3DS! AND IT WORKS JUST AS WE’VE DESCRIBED, TRUST ME!”
A skeptical journalist tentatively asks out loud, “Can you show it working to us Mr. Fils-Aime?” Reggie’s eyes just widen. “SMUGLEAF! GO!” Reggie yells, pointing at the crowd. “IT IS THE SKEPTICAL ONE!” he instructs. From side of stage a man dressed in a Smugleaf costume runs in and tackles him into a pile of boxes that happened to be there. “FOR MORE EVIDENCE THAT IT WORKS HERE IS A TRAILER,” Reggie announces while Smugleaf begins to sodomise the skeptical journalist. Last Window, GoldenSun DS and Pokémon Black/White are the only games shown in the trailer that follows but they are announced to be both forward and cross compatible with the 3DS. During the trailer, Reggie recalls Smugleaf and quietly removes the journalist’s identifying lanyard. “You’re mine now,” he whispers.
A familiar siren sounds and ‘IWATA TIME’ splashes across the screen. And in comes Iwata, dressed like a Shakan king, both in tribute to the World Cup and cheekily poking fun at Microsoft abandoning the Natal name. He is carried by four muscular men, also in tribal costume, while a scantily clad woman feeds him exotic fruits. Iwata is placed in the centre of the stage and his escorts kneel by his side. He greets the audience and announces he is here to discuss product sales despite his entrance clearly indicating they are going very well. Iwata loves talking about sales and his words are almost hypnotic as he rambles on about portable units sold and whatnot. To make it all the more interesting, all the graphs presented are pictorial in nature and Wario, riding Yoshi, eats them onscreen before moving onto the next set.
Suddenly, a small explosion bursts forth from Reggie’s watch! Reggie first glares at his wrist for daring to interrupt Iwata’s speech but then his eyes widen when he sees the time. With a roar and beating his mighty chest, Reggie abruptly runs through the wall to his left. Out of the hole left by Reggie comes Miyamoto wearing nothing but a DK tie, exciting a large contingent of the press assembled, as proven by the Vitality Meter registering it’s highest marks yet. Before the excitement dies down, Miyamoto launches into his speech in broken English; at first little is heard but it could be “I ruv you too.” With the crowd more settled he continues, “Everey year, the story of Donkey Kong nevrer stops changing and this game iser no different.”
The crowd is completely silent as he continues.
“We are now taking you to a woroud where Donkey Kong can talk, a woroud where Reggie iser hiser voice. In order for Donkey Kong to grow, he must not stand stiru and neither can Reggie! Thank you!”
Nervous laughter spreads through the crowd as a new trailer for ‘Donkey Kong,’ a reboot of the tired old Donkey Kong franchise. Donkey Kong appears wearing a coconut visor and looks at the camera, “Don’t fuck with me!” Cue gameplay footage showing off the squad based shooter gameplay with a revolutionary cover system. “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?” a voice of sanity cries out over the trailer but they’re swiftly ignored. Already, bloggers from 1up are composing essays about how Donkey Kong just wasn’t connecting with the kids anymore and that this was the fresh injection of life the IP needed, especially the new sexed up Dixie Kong, sure to inspire a new generation of furries betrayed by the StarFox makeover.
In the excitement for Donkey Kong, Miyamoto has left the stage and Cammie remains to end things up. “I’m sorry for Reggie’s sudden absence; he has other pressing commitments but aren’t we all excited for his upcoming acting role in Donkey Kong? That’s the full title by the way, after the successful recent reboots of Prince of Persia and Sonic the Hedgehog we felt simply titling it Donkey Kong would show our commitment to bring the franchise back to it’s glory days in the Country era. Thank you so much for attending, you may pickup 3D glasses for Sony’s conference at the door, thank you!”
The attendees remove their fingers and slowly exit the theatre. The screen continues to monitor Reggie’s heart rate against the declining audience one.
Some Sony executive struts the stage while two more are preparing for a rap battle in Songstar™ 3D: Move feat. T-Pain. The gormless exec announces with hilariously false enthusiasm,
“ALL RIGHT ARE WE READY FOR THIS BATTLE? I’LL ONLY CALL YOU BY YOUR RAP NAMES NOW! D-MEGA ARE YOU READY?”
“I-I’m ready… yes I’m ready,” D-Mega squeaks out, his trembling causing the obviously too large baseball cap to shake on his head.
“HOW ABOUT YOU MOVE4LYFE? ARE YOU READY?”
Move4Lyfe is frozen though, just pointing his wand off stage, “Nnnnee-nn.”
“I SAID, ARE YOU READY MOVE4LYFE?”
Move4Lyfe faints out of fear as Reggie comes sprinting in, Wiimote in hand, bounding across the stage. He leaps Move4Lyfe’s fallen frame and strikes D-Mega down with one blow. The pink light on D-Mega’s wand flickers then dulls and fades out. Reggie stands tall over the fallen execs-come-rappers, the stunned crowd watches on as he points his Wiimote at the remaining Sony announcer.
“YOU! THE GORMLESS ONE! TAKE OFF THOSE FUCKING GLASSES SO I CAN SEE YOUR FEAR!” Reggie booms. Members of the audience having to wear 3D glasses over their already dorky-looking spectacles needed no further excuse to remove theirs. The Sony executive hesitates, Reggie seizes the moment and pounces on him.
“WHERE IS YOUR PSP2 NOW?” he challenges.
“DO YOU YIELD?” Reggie goes on: “I FOUND THIS WHITE FLAG, DO YOU YIELD?” Reggie produces a white flag of surrender and thrusts it at the trembling, gormless, Sony executive.
“JUST… WAVE. IT.” He threatens menacingly.
With their show hijacked and the crowd in awe at the sheer brutality of Reggie Fils-Aime, a desperate Sony lackey kills the power from backstage. As the lights go out, Reggie is heard to utter; “my body… is ready.”
“Vitals dropping!”
Reggie’s line slides down to his resting heart rate of 33 bpm as the screen fades out.
Pietriots 